Ask Men

I, personally, am not most men (Citation needed?). However, I have a couple of anecdotal points of reference to go by:

• Two of my cousins are adopted, and I've never gotten the impression that my uncle was uncomfortable or anything else negative
• I know this family with one biological child, and one adopted. Same goes for them.
• Personally I haven't thought much about it, tbh. I have four biological kids of my own, so it's not something I seriously needed to evaluate. I guess in an alternate reality, adoption would be a theoretical possibility, but it's hard for me to say for sure.

I don’t want to pass my faulty ass genes along, so adoption is about my only option

Just by my gut-feeling it feels generally weird to actively go out and adopt a child. It doesn't really make sense, but it feels like a thing that one should randomly stumble into.

I don't see any issue with it. What I see is that many men just don't think about having children at all until girlfriend/wife asks about it. Maybe that's where you get the impression?

I don't want children at all, but if I did I'd be open adopt a child. I have no need to propagate my own genes because I'm not that great that the world needs more of me in particular.

I would be willing to adopt if I ever wanted children (unlikely). I am not technically infertile per se, but I would not consider standard bio.

I think men generally prefer biological children if they are fertile, we are wired that way.

And I agree that it's normal for men to fear/worry that they won't love their adopted child.

But when a couple agrees on adoption and finally get the child, the parenting switch is triggered and the responsibility dawns, then men will love their adopted children. I have seen that with my aunt and uncle.

I can see why you are having a hard time finding a guy that prefers to adopt, but I am sure he is out there.

My father wasn't infertile, but he believed having natural children was illogical, because there were so many unwanted children out there. He wanted to adopt. My mother won that argument and I suppose I should be thankful, but I also don't disagree with him.

I never had good luck with dating (or any luck, really) in school/after, so my dream was to make enough money to support a kid and then just adopt one while I was young and worry about finding a partner later.

I actually almost got "reverse adopted" (I'm not sure there's an actual term for it) when I was in my late teens. Long story short, this kid's mother got pregnant young, and the guy took off to live with family in another state. The family said he was trash anyway. So she has this kid and raises her alone. She has boyfriends, but they're young and they don't want kids. No one said abuse happened, but it probably might have? I don't know. For my part, my cousins had this friend I thought had a crush on me, until she went to confess and said she was looking for a father instead. She figured her mom was shit at picking boyfriends, so she'd pick her one who was good with kids. And apparently, she went back to her mother, told her she found her a boyfriend who would marry her (the mom) and adopt her (the kid) and she (the mom) told her (the kid) she couldn't hang out with those friends (my cousins) anymore. They reconnected after high school, I think.

It was kind of a weird situation, but if I'd hit it off with the mom, I would have adopted that kid and I'd have grandkids now.

OP, I think the problem is, a lot of men aren't paternal in the sense that women (and young women, and girls) are maternal. However, some of us are. Another problem is, there are a lot of perverts out there doing wrong by women (and kids) that make the rest of us cautious about every interaction. It's not a bad thing that men are more aware of what women and girls go through, but it is changing gender dynamics. And then, as others have pointed out, there are a lot of men who don't like kids unless it's their kids. And then, there are a lot of guys who only want sons and nephews, they don't care about girls until they're old enough to be attractive — they definitely don't want to help raise them. That sounds barbaric and over simplified, but I've met men like that. My oldest niece called me dad a few times, because hers wasn't in the picture, and her mother's loser boyfriend actually told me he is not changing a diaper if the baby is a girl "because he doesn't want to get accused of messing with her." So I did all the stuff he wouldn't. Anyway, there are a few guys out there who are good with any kid who don't want to hurt kids (or women). I don't know how rare we are. I suspect a lot of women (particularly, those who have been hurt before) think we're like unicorns, one in a million or less, or lying. And I really don't have anything to say to that other than that I know myself and this is who I am... and I'm also not single. Coming up on 20 years of marriage in a few months.

I wanted to adopt when I was dating my wife, but that had more to do with upbringing. I was raised in a house full of women, saw multiple births growing up and just didn't like the prospect of putting her through it. But ultimately it was just preference. She had other plans and I didn't mind if she didn't

There were fears when my girlfriend and her daughter moved in. About how I'd be as a dad, whether she'd be happy here, what life was going to look like.

But it was the best decision, I love them more than anything. They make me happier than I have ever been before. Raising this girl is so rewarding, hearing her say "I love you", reading her bedtime stories, teaching her about different games, seeing her learn every day, play in sports. It makes me wish I could quit my job and spend all my time as a stay at home dad.

We're planning to get married soon. And I am so excited.

As a man, i postponed having children with my wife for a long time. I wouldn't even have considered having children if I wasn't already in a long term relationship. I don't think adoption or homebrew would have mattered in the choice.

Some people only like the idea of kids, not actual kids. Most Americans at least are pretty much never exposed to taking care of children before they have their own. Generally it's only the parents that assist with child care and less and less Americans are willing to get teens as baby sitters.

So when they say they don't want to adopt is probably because they don't like children in general, but expect miraculously that they will like kids of their own.

I always wanted children, but I never felt it was a wise decision because I struggled to balance my career aspirations, education, and personal life. My ex wife flip-floped between wanting a child and wanting to kill herself. Our lives were so out or balance, and we were terribly uncomfortable how we were living. We worked so hard to build a life together, and we wanted a child, but we both knew it would sacrifice what little stability and free time for recouperatuon we enjoyed.

I brought up adopting many times, but my wife was always the one opposed to it. I thought it could be a good compromise to adopt a child who was slightly older, 8+. The older the kid, the less likely they are to be adopted. I felt we could help a child in need, and it would allow us to skip some of the most sleep depriving and challenging years of raising a kid.

Ultimately, she was opposed because she felt she had "good genes" that deserved to be passed on, and she didn't feel confident she'd be able to love a child that wasn't hers biologically. That perspective was fundamentally incompatible with my own, and the conflict it caused was never resolved. It poisoned the relationship and we separated.

So, there's at least one man who was more than willing to adopt. Me.

Yea it is one of those inherent desires programmed by evolution it is apparent in the animal kingdom. Species like Lions will generally kill the cubs of rivals when they become the alpha. Thing is you could probably easily find a guy that would be happy to adopt, but as you see in this thread those people are generally resentful of their genes. Are any of these people attractive to you? Someone that considers their own genes unworthy??? Who are you attracted to is it a healthy man with a healthy desire to propagate life?

My father wasn't infertile, but he believed having natural children was illogical, because there were so many unwanted children out there. He wanted to adopt. My mother won that argument and I suppose I should be thankful, but I also don't disagree with him.

I never had good luck with dating (or any luck, really) in school/after, so my dream was to make enough money to support a kid and then just adopt one while I was young and worry about finding a partner later.

I actually almost got "reverse adopted" (I'm not sure there's an actual term for it) when I was in my late teens. Long story short, this kid's mother got pregnant young, and the guy took off to live with family in another state. The family said he was trash anyway. So she has this kid and raises her alone. She has boyfriends, but they're young and they don't want kids. No one said abuse happened, but it probably might have? I don't know. For my part, my cousins had this friend I thought had a crush on me, until she went to confess and said she was looking for a father instead. She figured her mom was shit at picking boyfriends, so she'd pick her one who was good with kids. And apparently, she went back to her mother, told her she found her a boyfriend who would marry her (the mom) and adopt her (the kid) and she (the mom) told her (the kid) she couldn't hang out with those friends (my cousins) anymore. They reconnected after high school, I think.

It was kind of a weird situation, but if I'd hit it off with the mom, I would have adopted that kid and I'd have grandkids now.

OP, I think the problem is, a lot of men aren't paternal in the sense that women (and young women, and girls) are maternal. However, some of us are. Another problem is, there are a lot of perverts out there doing wrong by women (and kids) that make the rest of us cautious about every interaction. It's not a bad thing that men are more aware of what women and girls go through, but it is changing gender dynamics. And then, as others have pointed out, there are a lot of men who don't like kids unless it's their kids. And then, there are a lot of guys who only want sons and nephews, they don't care about girls until they're old enough to be attractive — they definitely don't want to help raise them. That sounds barbaric and over simplified, but I've met men like that. My oldest niece called me dad a few times, because hers wasn't in the picture, and her mother's loser boyfriend actually told me he is not changing a diaper if the baby is a girl "because he doesn't want to get accused of messing with her." So I did all the stuff he wouldn't. Anyway, there are a few guys out there who are good with any kid who don't want to hurt kids (or women). I don't know how rare we are. I suspect a lot of women (particularly, those who have been hurt before) think we're like unicorns, one in a million or less, or lying. And I really don't have anything to say to that other than that I know myself and this is who I am... and I'm also not single. Coming up on 20 years of marriage in a few months.

It may be true that most guys want biological children... but it shouldn't be overlooked that most guys just Don't Want Children (or rather, "parenting").

I don't want kids period but I'd do my best to be a good father if I got someone pregnant and they decided to keep it. I sure as fuck don't want to be responsible for someone else's kid I had no part in creating.

Because I'd never be approved for adoption and I'd constantly be accused of being a pedophile even if I was.

There is a huge cultural bias against men taking care of children.

I've even been on dates, and been told my interest in having/adopting children makes me creepy. I've always wanted marriage/children, but most of my female partners over the years this makes me defective and undesirable, and most of them 100% hated children.

Further, I knew quite a few adopted kids growing up. And they all were very problematic and hated their parents.