this post was submitted on 19 Apr 2026
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Heavy discussions last night.
Looking at intervention for ol' girl. I can't get that weight up if she keeps refusing ensure (she keeps tipping it down the sink when it's mixed up ready to go in). Was blamed by her. It's irrational.
Meltdown if you do, meltdown (and severe consequences) if you don't. "All you want to do is get rid of me".
Stuck.
Can't do anything right, just falls on its face.
We're well beyond gentle suggestion.
When she goes in it'll be stressful and miserable for her (bad for non-amnestic MCI), more nutrition and on a drip (good for NA MCI), no excercise (bad).
What do you do. What the correct thing to do (peg and drip) is also wrong.
How tf do you weigh this up w/o feeling guilt.
No guilt here mate. She's clearly not in a fit mental state to handle her health. Once she starts being managed properly you may find the whole thing becomes unnecessary because she's back on track. But right now they're drowning
I'm sorry if this comes across the wrong way bro, but it sounds like there's no scenario here where you don't feel bad.
The best you can do, is pick the option that is the best for your mums health.
I'm sorry you and your family are going through such a difficult time â¤ď¸
You will feel guilt. But for a good reason.
You're trying to do what's best for her, and it's being throw back in your face.
Guilt is normal in this situation.
In this scenario, you're not the problem. You're actively trying to find a solution, but it's getting harder and harder.
I hope you stay strong through the ordeal.
Iâm so sorry. Such a difficult situation. This sounds so horrid. Itâs impossible to know what her wishes are. Refusing food but also âyou are trying to get rid of meâ implies she doesnât want to die? Somehow her mental state is thinking food is poison? Ensure will harm her? Because she doesnât have the mental capacity to understand the consequences of not eating, or to communicate if she wishes to live or enter palliative stage, youâre in an impossible situation. Agree with Melba that checking what the legalities are for medical treatment for someone mentally incapacitated is important. Maybe also having a discussion with others who are close to her, and her doctors, what decisions would be the best quality of life for her?
Itâs ok. She would have gone downhill and potentially had a bad end if it wasnât for your persistence and care. Ignore her criticism, sheâs not thinking rationally right now. She canât tip the Ensure down the sink and then blame you for weight loss now can she? And she canât be distressed about the weight loss and still yell at you for pushing the food. Thatâs not reasonable or fair.
spoiler
I completely understand the stress. Youâre in a double bind where youâre damned if you do and damned if you donât. When I find myself in one of those I just try to pick the least worst option. Usually thatâs guided by legal guidelines or what I morally should do. In an imperfect system it doesnât always work out well but⌠itâs some kind of compass.I think conversations need to be had about olâ girls mental state in regards to making decisions and who is legally in charge of decisions around her.
It may be that if sheâs to be supported to maintain her weight she may be forced to do things she doesnât want to (hospital stay, medication, carers, interventions around nutrition) and you may have to work out if you or someone else have the legal authority to do that. Definitely have her assessed and take her during her worst day so that they can see whatâs happening. Also - people with dementia can do this thing called âshowtimingâ where theyâre able to get it together enough to hide it, so definitely document whatâs been going on.
Another side of it is that her body may be winding down and doesnât need nutrition. But thatâs a conversation for her doctor. If she isnât coming to the end of her life and food refusal is related to pain, dementia, or changes to behaviour resulting from TBI - there are things that can be done.
If you want to keep pushing with the nutrition and her receiving care? Work out where you stand legally first and get supports on side, then you and the medical team can decide how to go forward.
(Unfortunately by now she may not be deemed to have the mental capacity to be allowed to designate a person, so you may have to apply through VCAT, state trustees, or go to court. You can decide whether itâs you or appoint someone else, including a lawyer.)
https://www.publicadvocate.vic.gov.au/your-rights/enduring-power-of-attorney#5vcat.vic.gov.au/
https://www.publicadvocate.vic.gov.au/your-rights/planning-another-s-future-care/simplified-english-what-happens-if-someone-in-my-family-can-t-make-decisions-because-of-disability-illness-or-injury
https://www.statetrustees.com.au/resources/power-of-attorney-guide/
https://justiceconnect.org.au/resources/powers-of-attorney-in-victoria/
https://dailycaring.com/dementia-and-power-of-attorney-what-to-do-if-someone-cant-or-wont-sign-a-poa/
There are also different types which govern what decisions you or the person can make for her.
(This is a good explanation but itâs a business in NSW so be aware some things might change in VIC - it doesnât mention supportive power of attorney https://www.careforfamily.com.au/blog/getting-power-of-attorney-parent-spouse-with-dementia/)
https://www.legalaid.vic.gov.au/powers-attorney
And Iâm really sorry if discussing this sounds cold or brutal. It kind of does. But this isnât intended to strong-arm your mum into things she doesnât want to do. Itâs to ensure you or someone else is able to act in her best interests, make decisions about medical care, and also to protect her from exploitation.
I have my eye squarely on your brother when I say that last part. From what you say about comments heâs made, itâs very possible that he intends to take advantage of your mum around matters of the will, or may even sneakily take from her funds or manipulate âgiftsâ of money while sheâs alive. Having someone else in place may prevent that.
I am so sorry youâre dealing with this bro.
If it helps sometimes it gets less stressful when youâve made a decision or at least have a plan going forward.
Weigh this up w/o feeling guilt - I don't reckon there's a way that doesn't involve some sort of guilt feelings. Question of what sort and for what.
spoiler
At this point I reckon that you've done a damn sight more than is strictly required, so the coulda and shoulda sort of guilt is not operating. The woulda sort of guilt - well, she's your Mum and you love her. In spite of all the current difficulties.Imo, and this is strictly my own opinion, is that one of her current hungers is for agency. The question is, does that hunger hit harder than physical food hunger - and imo it currently does. And independent agency is contraindicated due to other factors.
You're battling a shit storm rn, and there are no good or right answers. All you can do is the best you can in the circumstances, and try to sleep at night. Feel for you.
Not much to add to the other advice except that if she can have full medical attention and at least some food into her some of the anxiety and other issues might reduce. I have seen that happen with my ex-gradma in law. Refused everything, couldn't manage meds, told her daughter the most awful things when she was moved to a home, but she thrived there. Might not help, but it's pretty awful now plus you are trying to just keep her alive. Get the professionals in so you can be there in other ways.
You feel guilt because you care. Not much you can do about that. You've done everything possible and more. It's a hard time right now. Much love to you and your family. â¤ď¸