this post was submitted on 22 Oct 2026

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539

Buddha orders a pizza: "Make me One with Everything" (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 week ago by Godric@lemmy.world to c/lemmyshitpost@lemmy.world

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[–] dual_sport_dork@lemmy.world 192 points 1 week ago (1 children)

In the Second Scroll of Wen the Eternally Surprised, a story is written concerning one day when the apprentice Clodpool, in a rebellious mood, approached Wen and spake thusly:

“Master, what is the difference between a humanistic, monastic system of belief in which wisdom in sought by means of an apparently nonsensical system of questions and answers, and a lot of mystic gibberish made up on the spur of the moment?”

Wen considered this for some time, and at last said: “A fish!”

And Clodpool went away, satisfied.

[–] Godric@lemmy.world 127 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I love how, even never having read this before, I know it's Terry Pratchett

[–] RaoulDook@lemmy.world 83 points 1 week ago (3 children)

Here's a legit Zen koan that fits the bill:

Mumonkan number 14: Nansen kills the cat

Once the monks of the Western and Eastern Halls were arguing about a cat. Nansen, holding up the cat, said, “You monks! If you can say a word of Zen, I will spare the cat. Otherwise I will kill it.” No one could answer, so Nansen cut the cat in two. That evening, when Joshu returned, Nansen told him of the incident. Joshu thereupon took off his sandal, put it on his head, and walked off. Nansen said, “If you had been there, the cat would have been saved!”

[–] Objection@lemmy.ml 67 points 1 week ago (2 children)

:::spoiler an interpretation

It might make more sense if you replace Joshu's actions with "doing a jerk-off motion." He's treating the discussion as unserious, as well as treating himself as unserious.

Nansen shows up looking to start an argument in bad faith, no doubt with all sorts of rhetorical talking points prepared designed to catch the other side in a gotcha. Attempting to engage just takes you into his prepared talking points and responses, while evading the question or refusing to answer makes him feel like he's "won," and leaves his words unchallenged.

The only thing you can really do is to take him off script and take the wind out of his sails. Nansen was prepared for the possibility that they'd answer, and prepared for the possibility that they'd refuse to engage, but he didn't have a plan for what to do if someone put a shoe on their head.

Also, by treating himself unseriously and humbling himself, Joshu removes Nansen's motivation to prove his superiority and the superiority of his house. Joshu essentially "shows his belly," and says through his actions, "Bro, I'm just a silly little guy, if you wanna kill that cat, that's all you." Nansen's internal justification for killing the cat could only be that he wanted to knock the other side down off their high horse, and so by abandoning any sense of dignity he would remove that motivation, and the cat's life would be saved.

By both having the wisdom to understand Nansen's thought process, and having the humility to put aside his dignity for the sake of saving the life of an innocent being, Joshu ironically displays a better grasp of Buddhist teachings than Nansen, regardless of whether Nansen could beat him in a debate through wordplay and rhetoric.

[–] Crankley@lemmy.world 12 points 1 week ago

Neat :) thanks for that

[–] ByteJunk@lemmy.world 11 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I am enlightened!

Rhetoric is like Excel, it can make anything look sensible.

[–] CrimeIsLegalNow@ani.social 5 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Rhetoric literally just means the means of persuasion so you just said anything is believable if you're a big enough sucker.

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[–] wonderingwanderer@sopuli.xyz 16 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Those koans were stories written by Mumon. They weren't all based entirely on real events. Maybe Nansen gave a dharma talk where he said he would kill the cat, but to actually kill it would go against the precepts. Highly doubtful that actually happened.

The point of the koan isn't surface level though, and if you expect to be able to extract a lesson from a koan by one simple reading, then you're approaching koans wrong to begin with.

Mumon's commentaries might help guide your understanding, and perhaps secondary scholarship like a translator's notes or whatever. But unless you're viewing it from inside the tradition, it's likely to seem obscure/perplexing.

But unless you already understand what he means by "say a word of Zen," and why Joshu placing a sandal on his head was taken as an acceptable answer, then this story will elude you no matter how you look at it.

[–] GregorGizeh@lemmy.zip 7 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

Ah yes, enlightenment

[–] wonderingwanderer@sopuli.xyz 5 points 1 week ago (1 children)

You wouldn't get it...

[–] BooBees@fedinsfw.app 7 points 1 week ago

It goes to school in a different country

[–] cattywampas@lemmy.world 92 points 1 week ago (3 children)

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."

[–] Davel23@fedia.io 142 points 1 week ago (1 children)

The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.

The Buddhist asks “Where’s my change?” and the vendor replies “change must come from within”.

[–] tetrachromacy@lemmy.world 37 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Then the Buddhist pulls out a pistol and sights it on the hot dog vendor. The vendor holds up his hands and says, "Whoa, whatever happened to inner peace?"

The Buddhist replies, "This is my inner piece."

[–] PapaStevesy@lemmy.world 14 points 1 week ago (1 children)

The hot dog vendor scoffed confidently, "You won't shoot, you don't have the nerve on ya'."

[–] WappleFF27@feddit.online 27 points 1 week ago

A piano falls on the buddhist and kills him. The hot dog vendor was enlightened.

[–] nanometer1625@thelemmy.club 6 points 1 week ago

A buddha walks into a sculpting studio and says "Make me."

[–] inbn@lemmy.zip 6 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Reminds me of this excellent video of a newscaster trying to tell a version of this joke to the actual Dalai Lama and absolutely flopping

https://youtu.be/xlIrI80og8c

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[–] Objection@lemmy.ml 89 points 1 week ago (5 children)

Koans are designed to be given by a teacher to a student when the teacher personally assesses that the student could benefit from considering it. They're also designed to not be comprehensible rationally or immediately, but rather to prompt introspection and to get someone to reflect on their own thought patterns. You can't just rip them out of that context while not understanding the belief system and treat them like a riddle from Reader's Digest and expect to get anything out of them.

[–] Akasazh@lemmy.world 21 points 1 week ago (5 children)

I admire your knowledge of Buddhist theory.

But this is a shit post community so it's as unserious as the most zen person in the world.

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[–] JackbyDev@programming.dev 8 points 1 week ago

...and the Lemming was enlightened

[–] Hossenfeffer@feddit.uk 7 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

I once came to understand the answer to the classic: "Show me the face you had before your parents were born." koan. One of the most amazing experiences of my life - the golden needle penetrated the veil of my mind.

I could tell you my answer but it would seem trivial and uninteresting. The answer has to be experienced to be grokked (fuck you, Elon). Plus also, perhaps the answer would be different for different people. Now, if only I could work out the sound of one hand fapping...

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[–] MutantTailThing@lemmy.world 52 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Buddha did say you could put whatever you want on your pizza, even if he himself didn’t like it, which is pretty fucking based as far as religions go.

[–] alcoholicorn@lemmy.ml 10 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Buddha never had someone order durian pizza for the group.

[–] hansolo@lemmy.today 7 points 1 week ago (3 children)

The most Zen thing would be to eat it all up, every bite, and say nothing since obviously durian pizza for the group would be intended to get a rise from them. You accept the adversity, and learn never to let that guy order pizza for the group ever again.

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[–] wonderingwanderer@sopuli.xyz 35 points 1 week ago

Why are all buddhist stories like this?

Anon has apparently never read a buddhist story

[–] pebbles@sh.itjust.works 30 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I know it is a shitpost but I think the goal is sometimes to force a student to move away from thought.

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[–] emptiness@lemmy.blahaj.zone 30 points 1 week ago (4 children)

That’s Zen Buddhism which is like that.

Theravada Buddhism is different, it’s actually comprehensible.

[–] db2@lemmy.world 24 points 1 week ago (2 children)

If you meet the Buddha on the road, tell him I said hi.

[–] Godric@lemmy.world 22 points 1 week ago (1 children)

If you meet Buddha on the road, fucking shank that bitch, he owes me $20

[–] NotASharkInAManSuit@lemmy.world 19 points 1 week ago

Are you the hot dog guy?

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[–] wonderingwanderer@sopuli.xyz 16 points 1 week ago

You haven't read much Abhidharma if "comprehensible" is how you would describe Theravada.

Not saying anything is wrong with Theravada. Entire cultures are built on its principles. But it takes a surface-level glance to think of it as something simple and easy to understand.

Zen though, most of the teachings are about pedagogical methods rather than doctrine. That's why it sounds weird to westerners who think of "religion" as dusty old books and priests who tell you what to do/think.

Zen teachings literally tell you "Don't cling to fixed ideas. Don't seek answers from some external authority figure." Everything they teach is about guiding you to internalize those things. It's about showing, not telling.

So expecting it to "make sense" in the lens of "just let me read a book that will tell me what to believe" is already starting from the wrong foot.

[–] A_Union_of_Kobolds@lemmy.world 11 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Rinzai Zen to be specific. Soto Zen doesnt emphasize koans.

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[–] zimy@lemmy.world 7 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Mahayana can be pretty out there too.

Siddhattha overhears these doubts being expressed so he takes of his clothes, spreads his legs and shows the ladies what is there - and what was there is his kosohitavatthaguyha glowing with a golden light. Then a lotus appeared and from its centre a baby boy’s penis emerges which gradually grows into an adult’s. More lotuses appear, each with a bodhisattva in it. The sutra doesn’t record what the ladies-in-waiting said about this extraordinary exhibition

https://sdhammika.blogspot.com/2010/08/strangest-sutra-of-them-all.html>

[–] Zarobi@aussie.zone 7 points 1 week ago

When I googled "kosohitavatthaguyha" I found this

According to the Tipiṭaka, one of the 32 Signs of a Great Man is that ‘the cloth-hidden is encased in a sheath’ (kosohitavatthaguyha, M.II,135). This was interpreted to mean that the Buddha’s penis could be drawn into the body and remain there as with some animals like horses, cattle and elephants.

the banyan tree was considered sacred, and the Buddha is supposed to have had the proportions of a banyan tree (nigrodhaparimaṇḍala), i.e. the length of his outstretched arms equalled his height. He is supposed to have had long curved eye lashes (gopakhuma) and a very long tongue (pahūtajivhā), both of which are features of the cow, an animal the Indians greatly revered.

According to the Ṛg Veda, an attractive penis would be big and thick like a club. The Atharva Veda has a prayer to make the penis long and hard like a taut bow and also contains spells to make it as long as that of the wild ass, the elephant or the stallion. The Rāmāyana on the other hand, describes the auspicious man as having a slender, short penis with a smooth glans and drooping testicles. The Buddha seems to have had an aesthetic appreciation for this part of the male anatomy too.

It seems probable that like the ancient Greeks, the Buddha’s contemporaries considered having a penis whose foreskin (kosa) remained over the glans (makula) when either flaccid or erect, to be a sign of beauty and nobility and that at a later period this physical characteristic was attributed to the Buddha.

I didn't know Buddhism had so much dick lore ~ I want that horse cock spell.

[–] Hoimo@ani.social 29 points 1 week ago (2 children)

If you have to ask... then you don't know

I was reading some Proverbs (Bible 1) in a simplified translation and every second verse is a straight tautology. Better translations use phrasing and rhyme to hide it, but people love platitudes and will meme them into a global religion.

[–] JackbyDev@programming.dev 6 points 1 week ago (1 children)

It is what it is!

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[–] Bluewing@lemmy.world 17 points 1 week ago (3 children)

I just have 2 verses in my personal book of Philosophy and Words to Live By.

Verse 1: If you think you understand what's going on, you haven't been paying attention.

Verse 2: There is no situation that is so bad that it can't get worse. And it's about to get worse.

[–] emeralddawn45@lemmy.dbzer0.com 8 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (4 children)

Reminds me of the kind of thing you'd read in a Douglas Adams book.

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[–] btsax@reddthat.com 16 points 1 week ago (2 children)

You (self) will never achieve nirvana (enlightenment) unless your Buddhist (eastern religion) stories have a bunch of untranslated Sanskrit (language) words in them that the translator (language expert) was too lazy (high on their own farts) to translate (explain). So every Buddhist buddhavacana (text) reads like this

[–] eepydeeby@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 1 week ago (1 children)

all according to keikaku

[–] sumsinj@lemmy.world 5 points 1 week ago (1 children)

*keikaku means plan

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[–] refreeze@lemmy.world 15 points 1 week ago (3 children)

Those who know do not speak; those who speak do not know

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[–] username_1@discuss.tchncs.de 10 points 1 week ago

Note to myself: Do not put pineapple on pizza in presence of Buddha.

[–] AdolfSchmitler@lemmy.world 10 points 1 week ago (2 children)

I was gifted a book called "Pointing at the Moon" that was filled with these things. Stuff like "A student was asked by a master, "what was you're face before you were born? The student walked to a river, saw his face reflected in the water, and was enlightened." Like wtf is that supposed to mean? Lol.

I didn't even understand the title of the book until I saw this meme.

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[–] Agent641@lemmy.world 10 points 1 week ago

If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago

[–] Pupschism@lemmy.world 7 points 1 week ago

Zen buddhism kōans are intentionally incomprehensible https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9p5Oi4wPVVo

[–] Sly2@lemmy.world 6 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Everyone here is wrong and the gum on your shoe is a rock on your Lake. If you look at it.

[–] Hupf@feddit.org 5 points 1 week ago (1 children)

If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, then the meal was cooked a long time ago.

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