Mental Health

Totally normal between 28–33. Ask anyone.

I've had seven heart attacks, a below-knee amputation, and I'm on dialysis for kidney failure, and I'm 51. I also had a saddle pulmonary embolism in 2017 that kills most people that have them, so I'm already living on "borrowed time" as it were. I'll link you to my story if you're curious, but anyway… I'm likely to last less than another decade, I think. And that sucks, but c'est la vie.

Here's what I live for:

1. I take every day for that day. I try not to live in the past because I cannot change it. I try not to excessively dream about the future because I may not have one. I just try to live today for today. Now, I'm doing PT and exercises to try and increase health, so that is doing something for my future, but i'm not just wasting today dreaming about tomorrow. I'm trying to live today.
2. I try to find things I enjoy doing because I enjoy them - playing some games, browsing the internet, reading. And I try to take pleasure in those things.
3. I try to keep up with chores as I battle anemia and fatigue. I try to keep the household running as I'm able to help, trying to minimize what I depend on my partner for.
4. Most importantly: I try to make those I come in contact with smile a little. I've always been like this, but I figure if I can make someone's day a little brighter, that's always a Good Thing™.
5. I try not to worry too much about it.

We read about people who Made History™ and who were Important People™, but the extreme vast majority of people were born, grew up, worked and lived their lives, and died and were forgotten. And that's okay! Once you're gone, there won't be a you to worry about anything!

There is no goal to life other than to live it. But if you can, while taking care of yourself, do a little good in some way: That is worth doing.

So make sure you're doing things that are fulfilling, and try to worry less about comparing yourself to some sort of super-human you could never live up to - especially not some fictionalized superhero that doesn't even exist.

I'm completely atheist these days, but I still like the Wiccan Rede's version of what many more might know as the Golden Rule: "An' it harm none, do as ye will." This opens you up to being free to doing anything that doesn't cause harm. But an important thing to consider: Not only do not do harm to others, but do not do harm to yourself.

And one subtle self-harm is putting all your energy into worrying about some sort of legacy and trying to live up to artificial responsibilities at the expense of enjoying life. So don't do that.

Introspection is good. Thinking about these things is good. Just don't let thinking about it take over.

If you still feel like you should be doing "more", finding a place to put energy into volunteering is probably the answer. Find a cause you can believe in and think is valuable. You could mentor others - younger or old on whatever topics you're comfortable with. You could volunteer at an animal shelter. Or in the arts. Or any number of places that always need people helping out.

Don't limit yourself by thinking it has to be big to be helpful.

If you want something more out of life, but don't want to change careers or where you live then you need something to fill your free time. Spend less time on the internet and find something you enjoy or care about. This can be anything from learning a musical instrument or a foreign language to volunteering at a soup kitchen or animal shelter.

I went through a similar crisis not too long ago and while my solution was much more drastic than what your looking for, spending less time online was probably the best change I made. Spending less time online made room for passion and hobbies, and I've felt much more fulfilled in my life the past two years than I ever have

I hear you. My midlife crisis started in my early/mid 30s and lasted into my 40s. Yay… you need to identify the missing piece. This is a personal journey so I can’t tell you what to do or try. It’ll take a lot of trial and error on your part but eventually something will click.

My answer was looking into my childhood and fixing the life long problems it created, doing grief work on childhood, finding a support group and becoming an active member, soon I’ll be getting a counselor or mentor, identifying my values and goals and actualizing them.

But this was my journey and yours will look totally different. I tried a lot of conventional stuff that didn’t work for me - created a large friend group, tried a lot of new activities, started new hobbies, become a regular at several places, traveled all over, volunteered, tried therapy, did stuff that I missed out in my 20s (looking like a 25 year old but with a brain of a 30++ year old was awesome) - but none of these were my answer. I needed to go deeper, I needed to leave surface level stuff.

I feel like a lot of people too through the "rediscovery of ones self" in their 30s. Because I sure did. I absolutely understand the feeling you're trying to explain. Like you know there's something but you don't know what it is or how to begin the process to find it.

Honestly, keep discovering yourself. I saw your comment that you learned to ride a motorcycle. Keep trying things you wouldn't normally try. Some you'll hate, some you'll love.

Start making friends too. I'm sure you have some friends but reading what you wrote you're giving the "friend who's always invited but never shows up to events" vibe. Start going to things, talking to people you wouldn't normally talk to. It's possible that whatever you're looking for, is just waiting for you to actually look.

I was distracted and so busy when I was your age, no time to slow down. Kids, pets, so much work at my job, never time to think!

Do you exercise? That mental feeling of dissatisfaction can be complicated by physical idleness - I do have to exhaust my body to calm my mind.

Do you have people IRL? Even if you are introverted and asexual you still need a baseline level of community, of people to talk with and be with.

You don't need to achieve anything to be a whole person. I do think your instinct is correct that it's something that doesn't exist because there are so many successful unhappy people, you are outwardly successful already. So maybe you are missing physical activity or social activity.

Agreed this is 100% figuring out who you are outside of your work and family commitments. For me it was putting proper time into learning musical instruments, which I only started in my fourties when I finally accepted that I was never going be a master or famous for my playing, and that also that didn’t matter.

I did ketamine therapy and the experience helped me see existence from a new perspective that would not have otherwise been accessible. It doesn't work that way for everyone but it's worth trying once IMO.

Do something that scares you.

Scuba dive, or fly in an open cockpit airplane, or try public speaking, or go to a city you've never been to before.

I'm not suggesting you put yourself in actual danger, just jolt yourself.

maybe you are also seeking a date, companionship too? hows your dating situation?