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Friend group blues (lemmygrad.ml)

submitted 2 weeks ago by KrupskayaPraxis@lemmygrad.ml to c/comradeship@lemmygrad.ml

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I'm going away for a weekend with my right wing friends, who I'm not sure I like anymore. But it's hard when they're your only friends. I've realised I probably can't change their opinions, all I can do is push back if they say something offensive. I really need to make new friends, but when I get into a new friend group eventually we drift apart. This happened to a queer friend group I had, which sucks because I could go clubbing with them, which I don't really do with these friends. Now I go alone although I think I could go clubbing with one or two of these friends if I asked.

This friend group is the only one that stayed. This friend group is very autistic as well, and it is still the only group where I don't feel judged for my autism. So that makes it difficult. I can have fun with them, but get bored with them as well. But tbh, it could also be because of one person in the group I don't like who is the one who makes all the plans, because he and I have different opinions on having fun. He is very controlling as well and if you don't say anything he will decide things for you, which is hard if you're non-confrontational like me. I once went on a two week holiday with him which was hell, in which I decided to never make plans with him where it's just me and him. I can only sort of tolerate him if we're together in a group.

I can vibe more with the other friends, but like I said they're very right wing and very vocal about it. They loudly complain about everything, like my friend who drives a car and is very car brained. He's from a small village and everytime he picks us up by car he complains about the bikes and pedestrians, and thinks his car deserves more right of way. Like my man, you're driving through the city center, what did you expect? Another friend votes for a transphobic party (FvD) even though he's friends with me, a trans woman. It felt like betrayal. I thought that me being trans would slowly make them more progressive, but that doesn't seem to happen. It could be the case that they use it as an excuse, like "it's okay to vote for a transphobic party, I have a trans friend".

Even if I decide to keep this friend group, I really need to get some other friends as well. Because I feel so lonely like I don't have friends, even though I have them. That made me realise I can't really consider them my friends, if they can't get rid of that feeling.

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[–] EstreyaZR@lemmygrad.ml 0 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Are you secretly me?

I used to have two such friend groups. One full of NDs like myself, the other became weirdly over years thanks to the manosphere and joe rogan types during lockdown. Both of em started at roughly the same spot, but the ND group started to affiliate themselves more and more with the irony pilled online-fascists, memeing the wehrmacht (they're not even remotely of german decent, mind you), and aren't able to be talked to about anything anymore. I'd say its real life brain rot, and even though they used to be nice ppl, I didn't feel safe keeping contacts at all. (I always asked questions to understand why they repeat after what those irony pilled fascistoids say, but it didn't bear any fruit)

The ones that became incels used to be chill, but one of them filled the group with incel-cope about not getting a date, and vented non-stop about other personal problems, increasingly blaming women and non-whites for his problems.

The moment I cut contact, it felt like I freed myself, and could finally start to know what respecting my boundaries and values is like. The loneliness I felt for the period after that wasn't all to nice, but I'd do it all the same.

Being bombarded with transphobic, misanthropic, misogynistic and racist shit all the time is disgusting me on the web, and yet I still let it into my personal spaces.

While I used to hang during their radicalisation (and me starting hormones n social transition), it seems to me, staying just enabled their bigotry.

I used to think that I can, after some time, understand why they act the way they do, but its not worth my mental if they don't even care to introspect themselves.

And yeah, I even went on vacation with em. It was weird and uncomfortable af tbh.

I wish you the best on your path, and hope you can enjoy the weekend trip non-the-less. ^^

[–] KrupskayaPraxis@lemmygrad.ml 0 points 2 weeks ago

I hope so too. I feel like it could be stressful due to the amount of activities planned and that we have to get up early. This was also the case in earlier trips. This wouldn't be a problem if I liked them more

[–] SlayGuevara@lemmygrad.ml 0 points 2 weeks ago

Difficult situation to be in. It's hard to be in friend groups that evolve into completely different views over time. Sometimes people stay in groups for too long just because they have a (long) shared history. It's absolutely okay to cut people out of your life of they don't level with you anymore. But that can be hard, especially if they are kinda the only group you socialize with.

Maybe you can find things you still have in common and enjoy together. Maybe you can't. Just think about how you see things for a while and hopefully you can get a clearer view of what you want out of this group and if they can give it to you. Hell, maybe you can bring it up with them to see if they are aware of how you feel. If they are ND themselves chances are they don't know lol.

[–] big_spoon@lemmygrad.ml 0 points 2 weeks ago

well...i don't have something like a dedicated group of friends, but i'd suggest that you give bits of doubt in their ideas: why are you supporting people who want to kill you? people that thinks that you're a "defective" person? for example, make them doubt of their "ideals", make them aware of they're rabbits voting by predators

[–] Maeve@lemmygrad.ml 0 points 2 weeks ago

I don't know op, I cut everyone loose and I'm just doing my own thing. It feels good, to be honest.

[–] Eos@lemmygrad.ml 0 points 2 weeks ago

I had a similiar situation with a very close friend of mine. Absolute abhorent views but he had a hard life so I always made excuses and thought I'd be a good influence on him. Thought that maybe I'd change him over time. That was a mistake. Eventually over time I realised that being around him was unpleasant, and it was actually affecting my enjoyment of activities I'd otherwise really be excited for and have fun in. And I noticed that each time he couldn't make it for something, I'd enjoy it 10x more than when he was there. It also came to a point where I realised that instead of my identity changing his views on the LGBTQIA+ community, it actually solidified and defended his own hateful rightwing beliefs. Because instead of thinking "I'm wrong and my friend has made me realise this" it made him believe "I'm right, and the fact that I am friends with a trans woman proves it." He could never be called transphobic because he always used his friendship with me as a defence of his beliefs.

It came to a point where I had to do the difficuilt thing of cutting him loose and my mental state has never been better. You never realise how draining it is until you step out of that kind of dynamic. Genuinely felt like a huge weight had been lifted and my only regret is not having done it sooner.

If the friend group is costing you piece of mind and genuinely draining you, you need to decide whether or not you can keep staying in this dynamic and think about the cost it has on you personally. It is hard to find friends these days and I do genuinely hope you can find people who make life more enjoyable. I've never been particularly good at it but for what it is worth, you're welcome to message me for a chat whenever you feel like it. You deserve people who make you feel happy and safe.