Enigma

I recently made a vocabulary change that I'm quite pleased with.

I realized awhile ago that the Nexus is primarily catharigenic, spontaneous formation. So verbs like 'making' and 'creating' don't seem like accurate verbs to describe how my Nexus comes to be, yet a better verb eluded me until now.

Maybe it sounds a bit odd or clunky, but I've decided on the verb 'gaining'. I gain Nexus members through spontanous formation. One moment they don't exist, the next they're there. The most influence I can personally have is through honing in on a particular feature or aesthetic to trigger a formation.

One reason that made it hard for me to figure out the process is because sometimes the formation is not instantaneous, it'll take awhile, like a sort of limbo state. In this state I can sort of push and pull with the Nexus member about what they got going on. But ultimately at best I'm influencing them on their own decisions. I'm still not at any point directly capable of making clear cut decisions about them, they're autonomous. Even when I deliberality seek out a new member of a particular feature or aesthetic, at that point no one exists yet. I'm simply calling out to an essence which fits this description.

For awhile now I've been wondering if I may have Narcissism and/or possibly Psychopathy. But you wouldn't notice at all because.. possibly it's clashing somehow with my other brainweirds.

I often have thoughts like

• I deserve to be appreciated and thanked more
• People should look up to me
• I am the best (and the worst)
• I would be a great leader or mentor
• I deserve this more than you
• I am smart and cool and unique
• I know it all better
• I am one of a kind

I can get quite petty about it in my thoughts. Like, when I get rejected or ignored I think stuff like 'well I don't like you or want to be there anyway, you don't deserve me'. I never verbalize such things publically and neither do my actions reflect that I have such thoughts at all. But in private, it can really make me spiral.

I know there's more to NPD and ASPD than just that, but I really wonder where those thoughts are coming from, as they can't really be explained by any of my other brainweirds. Maybe my cPTSD, but it's a stretch. I do have a lot of trauma and my coping mechanism used to be people pleasing but it turned into spite after people pleasing gave me more trauma and didn't even stop me from being rejected.

Please don't suggest RSD, it's already on my radar and I'm struggling to accept whether or not I have it. It still wouldn't explain the grandiose self thoughts anyway. I feel quite self conscious and contradictory, because outwardly, I really want to appear friendly, welcoming, chill, interesting, knowledged, approacheable, trusted, caring, reliable, and charismatic. I think I am, but I am also distant, sassy, arrogant, unhinged, rude, aggressive, petty, moody, bold, emotionless, and cold.

Like a deceased person, and their soul or part of their soul is now your headmate? Is there even a term for that specifically? Idk

I've been really into Avatar for a long time, and have many ships. Some of them are Azula × Ty Lee, Sokka × Zuko × Suki and Huan × Ikki.

Some other random ships are Larry × Sal from Sally Face, Carl × Blake from As Told by Ginger, Hank × Conner from Detroit Become Human, and Kirk × Spock × McCoy from Star Trek.

I'm also really into 'Headcanoning', but I could talk about that endlessly, lol.

So I guess I'm just gonna infodump about my Plurality.

I've always been imaginative. At first, I called the people that popped up in my mind OCs because that was all I knew at the time, but my method of 'creation' doesn't mimic typical OC creation, in fact there isn't any deliberate creation present at all, I can't control anything about them, they just make and steer themselves. Later I found the Immersive Daydreaming community, and it felt closer to what I was experiencing. That's also where I found out about plurality, and pondered how it'd apply to me for a long time.

I came up with 'Reverse Gateway' to describe myself at first. Meaning, instead of having others arrive from a Gateway into Headspace, I was the one to use the Gateway to another place, Mindscape. Mindscape is approximately equivalent to Innerworld, Headspace, or Paracosm. Technically I do still have a pre-Mindscape Headspace, the Between Place. I didn't like any of the standard terms like System or Collective, so I came up with Nexus. The Nexus is made up of Nodes. The Nodes are all the perspectives of the Nexus and they are interconnected.

All of this stuff happens interally, beyond that Gateway. The main origin I use is Catharigenic, spontaneous creation, but I am also Neurogenic, plural due to neurodivergence. In specific Synesgenic and Schizogenic, which mean formed by Synesthesia and Schizospecness. Then in a weird loop-around, I am actually Traumagenic as well, because the reason I started to develop interally at all is due to how I coped with and was affected by my trauma.

It's strange to have such an unusual manifestation of plurality, that lacks many of the common aspects like switching and systemhood, that sysmeds would take one look at and claim I'm making it up, or that I just have an overactive imagination, or that I am psychotic, yet it all still boils down to being caused by the one thing they insist causes plurality, childhood trauma. It makes me want to not identify as traumagenic at all. I don't need that to be valid.

Do you think a Hybristophilia community would fly on here? Even on Freak.University I have seen blatant Hybristo hate before and it's really disheartening. Horniness towards True Crime in general isn't very appreciated amongst humanity it seems, but hey I can't tell myself what to get horny about ya know. It's also probably the only one of my paras that I do feel a single ounce of shame about, because it feels a bit disrespectful to the victims and their loved ones. What are your thoughts?

I recently discovered the term Barysadism which is for very extreme Sadism. I wonder why there isn't a Masochism counterpart for it?

I saw it on a carrd, https://rqemojis.carrd.co/#paraphilia

For when you don't know what exactly causes certain aspects, but they feel multifaceted and intersected none the less.