For awhile now I've been wondering if I may have Narcissism and/or possibly Psychopathy. But you wouldn't notice at all because.. possibly it's clashing somehow with my other brainweirds.
I often have thoughts like
- I deserve to be appreciated and thanked more
- People should look up to me
- I am the best (and the worst)
- I would be a great leader or mentor
- I deserve this more than you
- I am smart and cool and unique
- I know it all better
- I am one of a kind
I can get quite petty about it in my thoughts. Like, when I get rejected or ignored I think stuff like 'well I don't like you or want to be there anyway, you don't deserve me'. I never verbalize such things publically and neither do my actions reflect that I have such thoughts at all. But in private, it can really make me spiral.
I know there's more to NPD and ASPD than just that, but I really wonder where those thoughts are coming from, as they can't really be explained by any of my other brainweirds. Maybe my cPTSD, but it's a stretch. I do have a lot of trauma and my coping mechanism used to be people pleasing but it turned into spite after people pleasing gave me more trauma and didn't even stop me from being rejected.
Please don't suggest RSD, it's already on my radar and I'm struggling to accept whether or not I have it. It still wouldn't explain the grandiose self thoughts anyway. I feel quite self conscious and contradictory, because outwardly, I really want to appear friendly, welcoming, chill, interesting, knowledged, approacheable, trusted, caring, reliable, and charismatic. I think I am, but I am also distant, sassy, arrogant, unhinged, rude, aggressive, petty, moody, bold, emotionless, and cold.