Neurodiversity Intersectionality

cross-posted from: https://rqd2.net/post/44052

I think part of the reason I may be trace (I'm still questioning and go back and forth) is because I'm autistic.

I'm part of a hereditary group with a distinct culture and status in society. Autistic people. We also get recognized quickly by others (usually not explicitly, but studies show we are recognized as different within minutes). I come from an autistic family. Basically, one side of my family is autistic and one isn't. These two sides are so different from little cultural differences to wealth disparity. The differences between autistic and allistic people feel like the differences between racial groups.

I suspect I have this desire to be recognized as a racial minority because I kinda am. But neuroraces aren't treated the same because they're harder to see explicitly.

I'm sick of autism being treated as an isolated thing, seeing autistic family members acknowledge neurodiversity in others but not themselves, and autistic people having overly individualistic ideas of what it means to be autistic in society. We are a people with a long history and direct blood ties to each other.

It makes me wish autistic people really did have a distinct look so it would be easier for us to recognize each other and ourselves, band together, and be recognized as large, interconnected cultures and subcultures.

This may not be the best place to post this but discord is my only other social so I'm going with here. Also this post is long and a little rambly and may not be well articulated.

So I due to a combonation of different things, I have a really bad memory. Like god awful memory to the point it genuinely inhibits my ability to function, communicate and form relationships and could proably be considered a disability entirely on its own.

I also have a bad sense of time but I'm unsure if this is it's own thing or something that happens as a consequence of my bad memory. Mostly bc I don't know what the norm is for memory and sense of time so I'm unable to work out how and why I differ from it.

From what I can gather other people seem to be able to "feel" how long ago something happened?? Like this sense doesn't seem to be perfect for most people, like most people don't have a perfect memory.

For me, memories fit into 2 categeories: things that happened recently and things that didn't happen recently. I don't work this out based on any sort of "feeling" of how long ago it happened but based on the content of the memory itself.

Like if a memory is about me going to school I know that didn't happen recently bc I haven't been to school in years but that memory wouldnt "feel" any different to a memory that happened last week or that happened earlier today or when I was a toddler.

Like if you give me 2 memories one that happened last week and one that happened 2 months ago, I would not be able to tell you which one happened first. Like I would have no fucking clue. If I remember a memory more vividly than usual I might be able to draw on context clues but that's unlikely as I rarely remember anything vividly.

The assumption I have been working off is that other people have better memories so they are able to remember these context clues and that's why other people seem to have a better sense of when memories happen in relation to each other but, while I still think that is part of it, some things people say seem to hint that there is another factor at play.

Like people will talk about a memory from last year and say it "feels like it happened yesterday". I've always thought of that as just an expression and a strange one at that bc something can't "feel like it happened yesterday". Like my memories of yesterday don't "feel" like they happened a certain amount of time ago.

Like can most people just "feel" how long ago something happened? Is that not an expression? Do people actually "feel" time and not just work out when things happen? Like that is what my observations tell me is the case but I'm struggling grasp it as that sounds like magic to me.

If yes I think might be entirely missing my "sense of time" bc from what I can gather people with a "bad" sense of time can still "feel" when things happened, its just that the feeling is usuallly wrong. I can't feel when things happened at all, I' ve felt like a certain amount of time passed or that something happened a certain amount of time ago, I just work all that out from context clues when possible and consult other when not.

So questions:

1. Can you "feel" when things happen?
2. Is that feeling usually accurate to when the thing actually happened?
3. Do you think it's normal to "feel" when things happened? (by normal I mean do you think the majority of people feel it not whether its "okay" or "healthy" to feel it)
4. Any theories on what I'm expriencing? (optional)

For awhile now I've been wondering if I may have Narcissism and/or possibly Psychopathy. But you wouldn't notice at all because.. possibly it's clashing somehow with my other brainweirds.

I often have thoughts like

• I deserve to be appreciated and thanked more
• People should look up to me
• I am the best (and the worst)
• I would be a great leader or mentor
• I deserve this more than you
• I am smart and cool and unique
• I know it all better
• I am one of a kind

I can get quite petty about it in my thoughts. Like, when I get rejected or ignored I think stuff like 'well I don't like you or want to be there anyway, you don't deserve me'. I never verbalize such things publically and neither do my actions reflect that I have such thoughts at all. But in private, it can really make me spiral.

I know there's more to NPD and ASPD than just that, but I really wonder where those thoughts are coming from, as they can't really be explained by any of my other brainweirds. Maybe my cPTSD, but it's a stretch. I do have a lot of trauma and my coping mechanism used to be people pleasing but it turned into spite after people pleasing gave me more trauma and didn't even stop me from being rejected.

Please don't suggest RSD, it's already on my radar and I'm struggling to accept whether or not I have it. It still wouldn't explain the grandiose self thoughts anyway. I feel quite self conscious and contradictory, because outwardly, I really want to appear friendly, welcoming, chill, interesting, knowledged, approacheable, trusted, caring, reliable, and charismatic. I think I am, but I am also distant, sassy, arrogant, unhinged, rude, aggressive, petty, moody, bold, emotionless, and cold.

For when you don't know what exactly causes certain aspects, but they feel multifaceted and intersected none the less.

Do you have some or all? How do you tell the difference between those aspects of you or does it all merge together? Does having multiple create unique aspects?

Do you have both? How do you tell the difference between the autistic and ADHD aspects of you or does it all merge together? Does having both create unique aspects?

Do you have both? How do you tell the difference between the autistic and schizospec aspects of you or does it all merge together? Does having both create unique aspects?