AyanaUchiha

For better understanding of the situation please read following posts:

1. https://rqd2.net/post/41083
2. https://rqd2.net/post/44043

please note: I will talk about self harm in this post.

And now let's get into the story. The talk which we wanted to have did not happened on the day it was planned because I got sick. I interpret that as a sign that this stuff did too much damage already. But a few days later I was able to go into my project again.

12.3.2025 was the "finale" talk where I should find out what is actually wrong. My two social workers where there, my mom and the guy who manages this stuff and mostly takes the lead. And well, it was a shit show. We talked about my pictures again and some poems I wrote which even were not hard core sexual. On time I wrote in a verse about naked skin against fur but that was it. While the talk and before my mother and I told them more than one time that someone has to tell me which topic is appropriate there and which not. Because I struggle with seeing it by myself very often. But they just did not want to understand. They know I am autistic, they know my diagnoses, they know that stuff but they ignored everything. again.

The leading guy also did not let me and my mother really talk. He always cutted our sentences with his own words.

Again we both told them that I had therapy and all my therapists would disagree with me being a danger. The leader guy disagreed. He also told me that when I would be abusive that others would ask why they(the project) did not do something. He and the two others also did not react when I said that I relapsed because of the way they where treating me. I did selfharm many days. Legs, harms, shoulder, breast. They did not care. Instead they kept putting me and my mother under pressure with "I need to look for help".

Me and my mother told them again that if I see that I could be a danger then I am the first one to look for help. The leader guy did not take that serious. Instead of trying to understand our points he said the same shit over and over. He even told me that it is already very late for me to look for "help" in my state. Wow. Under tears I just said,: "I am no ticking time bomb". The leader guy said that they never told me that. But they did. Just not exactly this sentence. And he began to talk the same stuff over and over again. In the end it was me who stopped the talk. The conclusion of this was then: I have to look for therapy places and stuff like that in a certain time span. Which time span was not sure, we wanted to talk about that next week.

My problem here is that:

-He did not really let me and my mother talk

-He put me under pressure(time span) again

-He did not take us serious

-The social workers just said "yes" and stuff to his ideas like they could not think for theirselves

-He indiractly told me and my mother many times I am a danger

-He did not take my mental struggles serious and ignored everything which I said about my relapsing

-The topic with art was already talked out before (https://rqd2.net/post/41083)

And for your your information: This project is actually for people with mental struggles.

What are your thoughts? Let me know if you want to. And if you think this is the last post...no it is not. It gets even worse. It has a reason why I call it "The Day Before Disaster".

I want to feel you and let you feel me,

Say "you will be finally free",

Talk to me while I sleep,

Let me in deep, deep.

Something I try to reach,

I say "always practice what you preach",

But at the end I am also just hopeless here,

Keep it inside because no one should hear.

If you could hold me, just one time,

Let me forget that everything is not fine,

Give hope to the hopeless, talk to my soul,

I am supposed to sleep but write this like an night owl.

Feeling your breath on the skin of mine,

And the pain does not make me whimper or whine,

You are just like a dream, because you are not there,

You exist only in art and letters, that is not fair.

I am talking to you while I dream,

You listen to me, I do not have to scream,

You whipe my tears away,

You care for the things I have to say.

I might be a freak and so are you,

But all I can say is mi gustas tu,

Wrap your hands around my skin,

Use your finger to lift up my chin.

Make me look you into your eyes,

And I am no longer as cold as ice,

I want to feel you and let you feel me,

I just want to be free.

Do you remember that post? https://rqd2.net/post/41083

Shortly expmlamed it's about the fact that the workers from the school I am talked to me, because I drew a sfw couple with the title "And they are both pedos".⁷

After that nothing happened anymore. I also do not draw any nsfw there or use those words. But last week it seemed not to be enough for them.

I do have two social workers for me and they had a talk with me again. Saying that I might should consinder talking with a therapist about my sexuality. I told them that I do not feel the need to talk about it and also asked for the reason why I should. All they told me that it would be an important topic in my age. I was like...wtf? Okay? I tried my best to explain calmly that I don't feel the need and also had therapy around that topic in the past. But they put pressure on me.

A few days later. Today to be exact. We had a conference where one of my social workers were there, my mother, the person who managed the school and the person who helps me in general with finding jobs and stuff like that. At the and me and my mother mentioned what happened and I explained how I felt.

What do you think happened? They told me they have to put this pressure on me because they have legal worries. I told again I already had therapy and they were even wondering why I don't have it anymore. And about the legal worries: Did they tell me which legal worries? No. They just tried to justifice the pressure they put on me. My mother also doesn't understand what's wrong.

The thing is:

• Like I said I do not draw nsfw there and also do not write paraphilias on my art anymore
• I never said things which could bring me in legal trouble(for example saying I want to commit a crime)
• I do not consume illigal media in school
• If I would do something illigal they should maybe...tell me directly what I did?

I feel misunderstood. Tomorrow will be another talk where I try to find out what the hell their problem is.

What do you think? Do you maybe have any advice on how to deal with that situation?

Hello dear community! This post is made to order the information about my own fictional place in which most of my own characters live. I am not sure if people are actually interested by this but if you are feel free to read!

General information_

In this world there exist planty of creatures and countries with different political systems and their own problems. I cannot list them all since I want to keep room for my own imagination.

Kingdoms_

Königreich Der Aufgehenden Sonne

-Residents: Giants

-Politics: They do have a king(Miru) and a queen(Tamara) with their own advisors. Both want to keep the residents safe and happy but it is still no democrasy.

History: They are one of the three known giant kingdoms which extist. They do have a lot allies and connections to other creatures because they were the one who wanted to protect them in the first place. Miru is also a part of an organisation named _The Little Beings Protection .

Mortios Mori Königreich

-Residents: Giants

Politics: There is one king(Ferdinant Mori), it is no democrasy. The king and the people who follow them are known as cruel people. They are not a fan of free thinking and do not cooperate with the so called "tinies". In their eyes they are nothing but objects, born to intertain them.

-History: The Mortios Mori Königreich was a home also to many "tinies" in the past. But power hungry leaders destroyed this way of living a long time ago.

Das Namenlose Königreich

-Residents: Giants

-Politics: Unknown but might not be a democrasy.

-History: This kingdom does not involve itsself in any political discussions. It is also hard to reach and some people do not even believe it exists.

_Non Kingdoms

There are planty of cities and villages which do not belong to a kingdom. There are also known communities of people who wander around for living.

Communities

-Mondschein Lupus: Wolf creatures who have a human and non human form. Lupus is also some sort of relegion which focusses on the soul of everything around. They often believe that their live depends on god like beings. Often they find theirselfes in abusive situations thinking it is right like the way it is.

-Nachtschatten Lupus: Wolf creatures who have a human and non human form. People who call themselves Nachtschatten Lupus do think that it is important to deal and live with the dark side of things. While they accept the power of other beings like giants they also see their own needs in live and try to fulfill them. They often get demonized by Mondschein Lupus.

-Tieger: Tiger creatures with a human and non human form. They often get descriped as aggressive people.

-Kitsune: Kitsune Communities are very rare and are often small family bonds.

-Vogelmenschen: Creatures who only have one form with bird and human like features. Much people from this community see themselves more worthy than they see other beings.

Well known organisations_

-The Little Beings Protection: An organisation made by giants to protect the so called "tinies". They give also advice to victems and their relatives. "Tinies" often face violents coused by giant beings. No matter if intented or not.

-The Anti Giants Movement An organisation based on discrimination towards giant beings. They demonize this group of creatures. Their goal is a huge genozide. But it seems like they do not have any success with doing so. They still build a hateful picture of giant people.

Hello! It is crazy that you are still here. I did not think that anyone would find this interesting in a way! I plan to list all my characters in another post later.

I want to make quadrobics and therian related videos since I love my new mask!

But I am a bit concerned about my online savety. Do you have any tips and ideas?

My ideas I have so far are:

• Not showing my location
• Always wearing the mask(it covers my whole face)
• No voice
• I don't wear anything that could lead others back to my identity(for example costumised pins or shirts)

I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas! <3

Some time ago I made a macrophilia flag by myself. :3

Here are the meanings of the colours:

Red:

Red stands for the power(of the giant person) and for the sexuality or/and romantic attraction to them.

White:

White stands for the pure and honest acceptance of the way you experience your attraction.

Pink:

Pink stands for being sensitive, soft and maybe too naiv with the giant person.

I think she does not like me anymore.

I have a very close friend which I know a very long time and a few years ago I trusted her with my paraphilias. While she dealed with that very well sometimes the thought crosses my mind that she might think I am disgusting in secret.

I asked her if she actually likes me even when she does not understand my sexual pleasures. She did not answer. Than I asked her if she hates me. She said ironically that she does.

While I know that she meant with that that she does not hate me it was not what I was hoping to hear. What I wanted to hear was something like "No, I do not hate you" After that little talk we got both very quiet and I had to hold back my tears.

And the fact that she did not tell me directly what her feelings are worries me.

What if she actulally hates me? What if she just could not say that into my face? What if she is only my friend because we know each other very long and she has nobody else?

I would like to ask her about that but I am not sure how. I dont want to sound akward or offensive.

Do you also had such experiences and do you have some advice? What do you think about my situation? I know I overthink too much but I cannot stop it.

It is not easy for me to write that dark part of my past down. But I think I need to it so I can finally move on and be a better person.

(TW: mental abuse, death threats, death)

When I was in the third grade a new student came to our class. She were from another school and had no friends. And in the few weeks she still had not got any. Mostly because of her unussual behaivior. She were loud and acted mostly like a little child. She also used to break down in class whitout(for the most of us) a good reason to do so.

After some time I and her talked a bit with each other. That was when I realized that she is actually very kind when you open up to her. But the more we spent time with each other, the more I saw more of her behavior. And because of that I felt I have the right to mistreat her and abuse my position. Between us two there were a clear balance of power. I were the only "friend" she really had and I knew she would always come back. The most time I also only spent with her because I wanted to keep a good bond with her father. Her father was a huge manga freak so he gave some of them to me so I can also read them.

I think everyone with a clear mind would have noticed that she really used to have mental problems but this still did not stop me. And the fact that she still trusted me makes everything worse. knew alsmost everything about her. I knew about her abusive mother, her dead brother, the reason why she changed schools and so on.

I was not a horrible person to her all the time but this does NOT change the fact that I abused her mentally. I knew she would come back, I knew no one would believe her no matter what she said. So she became my punching back for my bottled up emotions.

I think the peak of my abuse was when I actually threated her to kill her whenever I was mad. I used to take out my scissors so many times. And still she saw me as a friend and even tried to help me. She actually cared about me but I did not care. And my hard family situation at that time is not an exscuse for the things I have done to her.

Later our situation calmed down but I am sure that the things I did still left deep wounds inside her heart. When we all changed schools we both did not hang out with each other again. She found a bunch of new friends and I hope that they are real friends. Not people like me.

Now everything I feel when I look back is regret. She was a lovely girl who believed in the good of peoples hearts. I could always count on her. She was careful and respected everyones feelings. She was way too kind and a person I never deserved.

I wish I could go back and make everything different. But I cannot. I am not here to ask for your forgiveness or even sympathy.

When you see a "friendship" like this please do NOT stay silent. These people might need you more than you think.

(This post is posted in "Radqueer" since I do not know which community fits for this)

Zoo Community (zoocommunity.org) is a big pro - contact zoo forum which has many smaller sub forums. I was active there some time ago and would like to share my experiences with you. So here is a short review about Zoo Community!

"Game" features: With posting and commenting you can gain the so called "zoo points" which you can use to buy tokens for your profile. For example the otherkin star. You can also donate points to other users. Every token has their own price and all in all I think it's a fun way to keep users active on the forum.

The environment: The users there seem to be mostly friendly and supportive. The arguments which I saw were always polite and I feel like they actually have the goal to honestly understand each other. I never saw someone insulting others. All in all it felt like a safe community to be with. I also posted some stuff there and had never problems with any users.

Moderation: I think that they have such a safe community is not only of the people there in general but also of the moderation. Mods/Admins do have a polite way to talk to their users. In private messages and public.

But there is a thing which I have to give some criticism. And this topic kinda "destroyed" my good impression of ZC. The way how they deal with certain types of paraphilias is discriminating. For example, I got an direct message from the Admin who told me that my openly identification as a pedophile would have got me almost banned. Instead of banning me they just removed that information from my bio.

Still discrimination.

The reason behind that was that it's for the safety of the community members. And I ask myself, safety from what? And when you think that was weird, Well it gets worse.

You know the Saint Zoo review which I posted here? https://rqd2.net/post/40340

It was originaly from ZC. I just changed some phrases. I am very happy that I still had the full review in my notes because they removed a part of it. They removed the part where I gave criticism to a chapter which didn't told the difference between pedophilia and child sexual abuse. And the reason where: "Banned topic". The thing is that they didn't even contacted me. Not before they removed it and not after they did. So I wrote an E-mail with all my questions. And can you guess what happened? Nothing. I even sent the E-mail twice (I think?) in case it just didn't went through. I had to wait months for an answer. And I think if I didn't send the admin an dm I still would not have one. Yes, one of the mods told me that the admin has times where they aren't at this website at all but it's weird when it takes some months long.

Every other user who read that review didn't told me they have a problem with that part of the review. Even one of the mods told me they don't see a reason for removing it. Here is btw the ZC Post: https://zoocommunity.org/thread-1952.html

Here the E- mail which I wrote:

Dear ZC team,

Yesterday I looked at my review of the book Saint Zoo, only to find that it had been edited by a mod. This in itself is not a problem for me, however there are things I would like to point out.

1. I would have very much liked to have been informed of the change to my post in advance. Either by comment or by direct message.

2. the reason why the post was edited is not yet clear to me. I would very much appreciate a more detailed explanation, as I am not yet very familiar with "banned topic". What exactly was the mistake? Was it addressing paedophilia? The way I addressed it? I think it's important to find out in order to avoid future mistakes.

3. what exactly was edited or, in my case, deleted. Personally, I can understand not wanting the topic of paedophilia to take on a large scale in the forum, as zoophilia is often equated with paedophilia. However, my post was not a larger discussion about this topic but a brief comment on what could have been done differently to avoid stigmatisation. All the more reason why I would like a more detailed explanation (see point 2).

Here is the original post without editing:

(Insert ZC post whithout the removed chapter which was "There is also a chapter what is called "Tierliebe und Säuglingsliebe"(Love to animals and love to Babies). In this chapter Chihiro is talking about the difference between pedophilia and zoophilia which is very important I think. Since they are many people who see it as almost the same thing. But I didn't saw a short mention that pedophilia in itsself is not an action. I think it's important to do this because of the stigma about that topic.")

I would be very pleased to receive feedback and also a possible compromise, as the full contribution is really important to me.

Yours sincerely, Ayana

Btw, we did not find a compromise.

This whole experience made the other nice experience on there slowly fade away. It shows me that the bigger zoo community/zeta zoo community does have a discrimination problem.

My conclusion from the whole thing is that ZC can be a nice place but it's defenetly not pro para. Even when I get that the forum is meant to be a mainly zoo thing I don't think they should silence the existence of other paraphiles in the zoo community.

I would love to share this review also on zoocommunity.org as a link but I am sure it is not allowed there.

If you want to make your own picture about that site don't hesitate to register. I would love to hear your experiences if you had/will have any.

Thank you for reading!

I had to talk with the manager of my project today because of the art I do.

Luckily he wasn't angry, he just said that there are intimate things that are rather intimate and that it's important to learn where things belong and that you should ask questions if you're unsure. And all in all I think that's valid.

He then said things like, for example, that you shouldn't show these drawings to someone without their permission or something and that's the point where I personally only half understand the problem

Because,

1. I haven't shown anyone anything that was nsfw. They didn't ask and didn't even look at what I was doing. Teachers or pupils would have approached me safely, especially the pupils. They have the courage to do that.

2. I ALWAYS put my pictures in my folder, where no one else could get to them.

3. When I laminated them, I always put them in such a way that not everyone could see it and there were hardly any people present, just one or two teachers. And they could have approached me much earlier. I've been drawing nsfw ever since I've been there.

I have a theory. I think it's because of the picture with Hange and Erwin where it said "And they are both pedos". I also did NOT show the picture around. Nobody paid any attention to me. Except this one teacher who had to look straight up. The picture in its self was not even sensitive, (you can look up the picture here on my post). It just had the word "pedos" in one little sentence. The text wasn't even big. She WANTED to read it. She also could have asked me lol.

I am not mad but I think it's kinda confusing and a sign, that people are even afraid of the word "pedo". It's a sign that education is still important.

Any thoughts?

It gets worse: https://rqd2.net/post/44043

It was a warm day, very warm and I was with my sister and a friend of her on a blossom festival in my home city.

They offered many things, also a fursuit walk which I was a part of. It was my first one and all in all very great. The people there where friendly, also to newbies like me and helped me to keep with the group. And one personen was on my side especially. I didn't knew them before but they appeared to be very friendly and welcoming.

We walked together with the other furries while my sister was taking pictures of the whole event. But everything has to come to an end, so also the fursuit walk. After that, me and the person decided that we want to keep in touch so we exchanged our numbers.

We messaged each other and I felt very happy about meeting them. One day I got the message: "I found out you are a zoophile but that's okay because I think you are super kind"

That message made me very happy. After that we didn't talk about that topic anymore. They even invited me in deverse furry group chats. Also there I didn't have problems. The person also picked me up from school one time and we baked. They even drew my fursona one time.

Still everything seemed fine.

After some time we didn't message each other that often anymore. But that was fine since we bouth have still other people and our private life.

One day I got removed from a furry group chat. I was confused but I thought the reason might have been my inactivity so I didn't thought about it too long. On a other day I send a pic of a plushie which I just got in a other group chat.

And guess what happened?

They removed me. The person which invited me in the first place. Now I was really confused. If there were a problem they just could have told it. But they didn't.

I would say I am a very patient person so I waited for her to message me. And waited, and waited.

The next day a person of one of the group chats messaged me, asked me if I love animals. I didn't went into a discussion. After the stranger told me that I need help I just blocked them. I wanted to talk to the person from the fursuit walk but...

Guess what?

They blocked me everywhere. On Insta, On Tiktok, On WhatsApp. After all that I didn't got harresed again.

And I ask myself: Why didn't this person said they have a problem in the first place? Why did they pretent everything is fine? At the end I think they were just a coward.

I told other Friends of me about that and they also said how stupid it was to act like this.

At least I know who is really with me and who is not. And I am not going to change because of people who hate me for who I am.

Smash or pass? I would defenetly say she is a smash. My biastophile thoughts go wild when I see her. <3