this post was submitted on 30 Apr 2025
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To this day, she remembers the racing thoughts, the instant nausea, the hairs prickling up on her legs, the sweaty palms. She had shared a photograph of herself in her underwear with a boy she trusted and, very soon, it had been sent around the school and across her small home town, Aberystwyth, Wales. She became a local celebrity for all the wrong reasons. Younger kids would approach her laughing and ask for a hug. Members of the men’s football team saw it – and one showed someone who knew Davies’s nan, so that’s how her family found out.

Her book, No One Wants to See Your D*ck, takes a deep dive into the negatives. It covers Davies’s experiences in the digital world – that includes cyberflashing such as all those unsolicited dick pics – as well as the widespread use of her images on pornography sites, escort services, dating apps, sex chats (“Ready for Rape? Role play now!” with her picture alongside it). However, the book also shines a light on the dark online men’s spaces, what they’re saying, the “games” they’re playing. “I wanted to show the reality of what men are doing,” says Davies. “People will say: ‘It’s not all men’ and no, it isn’t, but it also isn’t a small number of weirdos on the dark web in their mum’s basements. These are forums with millions of members on mainstream sites such as Reddit, Discord and 4chan. These are men writing about their wives, their mums, their mate’s daughter, exchanging images, sharing women’s names, socials and contact details, and no one – not one man – is calling them out. They’re patting each other on the back.”

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[–] FireRetardant@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago (41 children)

I think part of why she didn't seen men fighting some of the shitty stuff online is due to the echochamber effect of those communities. Any resistance is downvoted, dogpiled with hateful comments, and maybe even removed by a biased mod. A lot of the good men who would defend in those comments don't even browse those specific forums because of how toxic and shitty they can be.

[–] sudneo@lemm.ee 2 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Also why would I ever recognize a space like that and not run away. "Calling out" is still participation, and why would I want to participate (incl. from the legal perspective). I have the moral obligation to do that because...I am man? As if being a man was being part of a club.

[–] Glide@lemmy.ca 2 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I believe we (as in, people) all have a responsibility to hold each other accountable. But we can also only do so much, and inserting yourself into a toxic community founded for the sole goal of normalizing that toxicity in some misguided attempt to reform such people is beyond what any one person can be expected to engage with.

[–] Spzi@lemm.ee 2 points 1 year ago

I believe we (as in, people) all have a responsibility to hold each other accountable. But we can also only do so much, and inserting yourself into a toxic community ...

Me too, both. That we have responsibility for others and that we are not obliged to put ourselves at harms risk.

But this is a particularly shitty, maybe wicked problem. There are three groups: A bullies B, and C could stop A, but isn't bothered by anyone. Now, is C obliged to pick a fight with A, or is B just in bad luck to be born as a B?

I think here, it is very easy to have strong opinions, while very hard to formulate a concise moral argument. Things get muddier/harder the more we factor reality in.

[–] sudneo@lemm.ee 2 points 1 year ago

Precisely. It's completely different from doing that in your group of friends, where confrontation is a way to establish common values, and in an internet cesspool where anyway I am going to be moderated out.

Just yesterday I was reading a great article about how social medias compare to TV when it comes to feeling part of a group. "Calling out" people in such places wouldn't be anything else that virtue signaling (to yourself) to reaffirm your own identity (I stand up to sexism), and at the same time allow those people to reaffirm themselves (I get confronted because I am speaking truth).

Basically it would be at most a performance.

[–] gamermanh@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I have the moral obligation to do that because...I am man? As if being a man was being part of a club.

They explicitly don't want us non-shitty men there to harsh their vibe and will refuse to listen, so yeah, what the fuck are we supposed to do?

If I see it happening IRL I shut it down and use my 6'4" powers to look down at whoever's doing it and give them a good scare, but I'm not gonna go to the fucking incel forums and make my day worse for no goddamn reason

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[–] blarghly@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago (3 children)

Right. As a guy, I've never received a nude pic of a girl from a friend. I've never had a friend tell me that he sends girls dick pics. I've never been in an online community where photos of women are traded like what is described above - I wouldn't even know where to start looking for this. I've never heard about anyone I know having their pictures shared, or anyone I know sharing pictures of someone else in an unethical way. This is quite simply a social sphere that I am completely excluded from. The idea that I have any responsibility or capacity to police this kind of behavior is ludicrous - what am I supposed to do? Talk to my friends and say "So, look at any unethical porn lately, bro?" Or spend my time seeking out toxic communities so I can debate them/report them, instead of going outside and having a life?

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[–] Thedogdrinkscoffee@lemmy.ca 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The good men aren't there and don't even know what's going on. I've used Reddit and Lemmy but have blocked the NSFW/NSFL stuff. There is no opportunity to denounce or report because I remain deliberately blissfully ignorant.

[–] Cryophilia@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago

If you happened to go in there and speak against them, you'd just be banned and have your post removed.

[–] pimento64@sopuli.xyz 1 points 1 year ago

What's the point of wrestling with a pig? You both get muddy, and the pig likes it.
Maybe it's because I grew up with the old, "mean" internet, but my response to communities full of trash is to leave them alone and let the blind lead the blind. Seriously, what the hell is arguing with them going to do? They expect to be challenged, they will not see reason, they will not suffer to be helped, and you are not going to be the person who changes that.

[–] Mouselemming@sh.itjust.works 0 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (5 children)

Guys seem to like going into a game together and fighting against overwhelming odds, working together to shoot down the enemy. Even if they "die" several times.

Maybe it would be interesting to get together and make a raid/foray into one of these manosphere forums, supporting each other's arguments and shooting down sexist crap.

[–] metaldream@sopuli.xyz 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

We should weaponize bots to do this. With AI it doesn't even need to be real people anymore.

They're using them against us and it's long past time we responded in kind.

[–] Echofox@lemmy.ca 1 points 1 year ago

Then good news! There are people doing this. I'm in a discord where some people work on a bot that basically calls out that stuff on reddit. Making the bot is straightforward, the problem is it keeps getting banned for arguing. The hardest part is keeping the reddit account alive.

[–] vogo13@sh.itjust.works 1 points 1 year ago

r/conservative has already disproven that experiment, no matter how much opposition, they will spin a million excuses and point out how their echo chamber is being "brigaded" by bots or whatever

[–] Cryophilia@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago

You'd be banned faster than trying to say "Tiananmen" on grad

[–] sudneo@lemm.ee 1 points 1 year ago (3 children)

Several studies also describe the backfire effect, I.e., people getting more entrenched in their position when confronted with opposing arguments. I doubt I can ever succeed where a decade+ of education system failed.

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[–] Corkyskog@sh.itjust.works 2 points 1 year ago (30 children)

Any decent man who has spent enough time in locker rooms understands that ~30% of men are shitty people and of those, somewhere around half are probably violent.

Once you have a daughter or put youraself in womens shoes, you realize how terrifying those odds are for women trying to navigate this world.

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[–] w3dd1e@lemm.ee 1 points 1 year ago (17 children)

I know a lot of guys in the comments are saying they don’t see it so they don’t have the opportunity to call it out. And some of those guys are making good points! These communities probably don’t interact much with men that treat women with respect.

But I also wonder how much of that stuff happens and they don’t realize it’s harmful to women. Obviously sharing photos isn’t okay so that’s an easy one to call out.

It’s not a man’s fault that he doesn’t see it, necessarily. You don’t have the same experiences as women and it just doesn’t occur to you as often. Women are on alert 24/7.

Kinda like that thing about the number of guys who feel safe walking to their car at night vs the number of women. (I know some men are anxious in that scenario too, but nearly ALL women are.)

When I was an elementary school aged kid, I was afraid to play outside at my grandmas house because a man drove by yelling cat calls. This actually happened a couple times growing up.

At 14, a random man followed me home from school.

In my college there was a flyer in the restroom about how something like 1 in 6 women will experience sexual assault or rape. But really that’s just the number reported.

Every single woman I know has experienced sexual assault or rape of some kind. (I didn’t ask my coworkers to be fair).

That’s bonkers.

But I do appreciate those of you that are trying to be better! The comments here are reassuring and give hope for the future!

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[–] pulido@lemmings.world 0 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (15 children)

I dunno, huge leopards ate my face vibes from people like this.

They keep putting their faith in shitty males then act all surprised when the males turn out to be shit.

I'd wager all the good males in her life were too "dorky" or "unpopular" for her to give them the time of day.

[–] AmidFuror@fedia.io 0 points 1 year ago (1 children)

That last paragraph in particular reads like a parody of incel thought.

You may be a "nice guy" if...

[–] pulido@lemmings.world 0 points 1 year ago (2 children)

It's sad how much you people have been conditioned to ignore the truth whenever it's something someone else doesn't like.

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[–] ahornsirup@feddit.org 0 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Nice victim-blaming, creep.

[–] pulido@lemmings.world 0 points 1 year ago (5 children)

At some point, people have to take responsibility for their actions. Otherwise they're just being treated like children.

You don't think this woman should be treated like a child, do you?

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