politics
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Bill Nothing here, just excited to get you started for orientation. Here is a pair of Happy Knees, your regulation genital cuff, there's a shortage of ball gags but Linda in the kitchen has an assortment of citrus fruit that we're using for the moment. Your gimp suit is probably a size too small but you'll just have to make it work, we're at war after all. Let's see... Oh your badge and standard issue firearm, a full contingent of body armor, three hundred extra small condoms, a utility belt of pump bottles for lube, lotion, petroleum jelly, hand sanitizer and barbecue sauce... I think that covers it.
Day one orientation will include a full body cavity search of Stephen Miller himself, and you will be graded on thoroughness, depth and aggression.
Oh, one last thing, when Stephen yells at you, you have to make it seem like you're afraid, or stressed out. Afterwards he will insist that you stroke his head and sing lullabies to him while he cries into the ceremonial tear bowl. President Trump often enjoys watching that part, so don't be surprised. Also please list any dependents on your HR intake form and asterisk any that are under twelve. That's it, welcome to ICE, Secretary Twilitsky.
I like The Onion article: Miller assures Susie Wiles he has a fridge full of healthy breasts she can use.