JayEchoRay

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Hi, i have not been diagnosed, but have been compelled to try embrace what I have been told is my neural diversity in c/autism@lemmy.world
[–] JayEchoRay@lemmy.world 1 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

The Instagram is private and me sharing is for group of people that have shown concern when I do not contact.

It is proof I am getting outside and doing something

Because my normal pattern of behaviour is to close myself off and isolate as I feel "insert negative emotion"

I want social connection because I am starved of it, so I am sharing it in a "safe" environment provides a means to get a social need met- which I have not been doing, hold myself accountable to my actions while having social pressure to keep doing it and doing something that improves my overall health

On the oversharing thing, yes I am very guilty of that, but just posting pictures of where I walked and milestones is, I feel, a healthier alternative to how I usually react which is either too much or nothing at all.

Hi, i have not been diagnosed, but have been compelled to try embrace what I have been told is my neural diversity in c/autism@lemmy.world
[–] JayEchoRay@lemmy.world 1 points 1 month ago (2 children)

Thank you for the offer

I am currently trying something for myself seeing as my options are limited.

Basically I am walking - target, for now, is 5 KM a day with a goal of 25 KM a week and then post on a weekly schedule to act as a cataloguing tool in conjunction with social media to reaffirm a feeling of social connection.

It isn't perfect but I am trying something to try and work on the the deep self-hatred, self-shame, loneliness, etc.

I feel by doing something that works the energy out and acts as proof to validate that I am not alone, especially when a few people I have on the social media acknowledge it - small victories.

I am also hoping that social pressure will help to motivate me to not stop and can hit a few birds with a stone throw - so to speak.

Hi, i have not been diagnosed, but have been compelled to try embrace what I have been told is my neural diversity in c/autism@lemmy.world
[–] JayEchoRay@lemmy.world 1 points 1 month ago

Your daugther is very lucky to have you, to show care and support and try and build her up to be able to handle the harsh world.

I want to change, I really do and it feels so hopeless to keep trying and being knocked down time and again, it feels like it would be easier to just end it and then everything would stop.

This is like a thing in general that I am tired of struggling alone and not being able to find "instrumental characters" to show me a different path. Every path I have tried to take leads me to failure and those failures somehow get bigger and more painful as I struggle to move forward which ends up just making things worse because of my poor emotional upbringing cascading with the results of having that compound with trying, but then realising it was not enough and thinking it will never be enough.

I am carrying all this with me, all these things with me and it is ruining my life and robbing me of being a better person.

It is decades of unresolved and untreated misalignments sparking off and making things worse. The myriad intertangled and almost "cancer-like" buildup of things that is a overwhelming burden of carrying something no one knows what it is and feeling "like what is wrong with me, why can't I just do this thing" and I must just carry this burden on my own, I am expected to be this "pillar of strength" when it feels like my strength is spent and I am tired of trying and consistently failing.

Hi, i have not been diagnosed, but have been compelled to try embrace what I have been told is my neural diversity in c/autism@lemmy.world
[–] JayEchoRay@lemmy.world 1 points 1 month ago (4 children)

Thank you for your reply

I wish to say that my reply is not to demean or invalidate what works for you and has led to you finding results that have been met with success and just a realisation that I just need to accept the situation for what it is.

Additionally, not this group but another I tried to seek assistance with in a different environment, but it is something of a sore spot for me to mention because I have mentioned my financial difficulties and how it is hamstringing my healing process. I wish to say that I am not asking for financial support. It felt demoralising to want to air the frustration of how difficult it is to get the help I need and not be able to afford the means to get it.

I understand that people have their own difficulties in life and it is hard and answers cannot be always be found, but the feeling that it gets treated like I am begging for financial gain, for someone to "save me" with a swipe of a transaction really felt insulting and I wish to iterate that I am not asking for financial assistance.

I tried to plan trying again to go the hospital and endure what I would after breaking away from feeling how my treatment was not taken seriously.

Currently with my finances, I cannot afford it, I worked it out and at most I can afford 3 trips

  • So making an appointment to get clearance for an appointment with the mental health services (getting a proof of requiring attention)
  • Then an appointment for assessment
  • Then an appointment with a psychologist to then run the tests for assessment
  • Then come back to go to get answers for assessment and being assigned an diagnosis

That is not taking into account if they drag their feet again and waste my time and what I assume above is the best case scenario, which is usually not the case - even if it might be easier or harder than what I imagine.

Then if I want to apply for a grant - which should be able to at the very least help alleviate some pressure and be able to pay for transport costs

This will require and hinge on the hospital actually giving me my diagnosis paperwork and not decide that meds is all I need like the last time I tried to get help. I can be able to get the necessary documents sorted with it all hinging on whether the hospital wastes my time again or not within the 3 trips I can afford.

Currently it is not feasible to get the support that I want - I will need to wait for family to gift me money over my birthday or Christmas time to afford this process. The house is somewhat existing on the charity of family to keep it above the point of uncomfortable struggle.

I have to just accept the fact that I just cannot afford it, right now.

The only thing I can do is try to "self-medicate" and unfortunately that is met with mixed results, because I do not have the luxury of much choice. Best I was able do recently is go for an hour long walk and adding music to it the routine. This is to stave off the unbearable inner voice that accompanies me while walking, only thing I need to do now is try and build some consistency with it.

There are other things I wish to try more forward with but there is a lack of self-confidence and I guess planning to be able to where I want to be.

I have tried to cut back on sugars - have coffee with 1 sugar at most twice a day, with a rare exception of 3 times, only drink water with the occasional sugary drink that the family shares once week.

Evening meals are alternating between chicken and meat with variation with potatoes, vegetables or some form of refined product , but I do admit there is a lot gluten (bread, processed foods because cheap), milk, refined sugars in bread and most likely seed oils (used for cooking, in food additive products ) in the way the food is prepared and served.

Thank you for the suggestion though

Hi, i have not been diagnosed, but have been compelled to try embrace what I have been told is my neural diversity in c/autism@lemmy.world
[–] JayEchoRay@lemmy.world 1 points 1 month ago (2 children)

I mean only one side of the family is the benefactor, but they are too far away to offer more support than trying to keep the things above water.

But I do get the point, even if they are far apart they still put some effort to help and I should see that as a positive that they are offering said support, regardless of how small it is.

That doesn't discredit your experiences, it just I think a part of me has given up as it feels like the more progress i make the more pain and trauma i seem to attract.

Being silent in my mind is torturous as there is a lot of these many small and deeply intertwined emotions and traumas and I am surrounded by and living in. The "voices" are so persistent that even if I calm them that unless I get to understanding and healing them, it is just too much to process. I can force it for a time, but that is like tying a knot in a hose with running water.

It is bad because the moments I feel better about myself, I end up doing something that destroys all the progress. It feels like I am sabotaging myself everyime I think I am ready but reality finds a way to drag me back down.

It is hard to get away when I cannot, to do so requires that which I feel incapable of grasping as it keeps falling through my fingers from my skills that feel inadequate.

I try and fail and it is on repeat and this really drains me because I wish I had someone around to just get through to me when I falter to keep me going forward. Like someone to help me break through that wall I keep getting stuck at because every time I hit it I can't break through clearly and I start at square 1 again.

It feels too hard for me to maintain on my own as I cannot trust myself to make the right choice, especially when I process and see where the wrong choices were taken.

Hi, i have not been diagnosed, but have been compelled to try embrace what I have been told is my neural diversity in c/autism@lemmy.world
[–] JayEchoRay@lemmy.world 1 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

There is a part of me that feels a need to explain my thinking in regards to feeling do negative about work prospects, so I will spoiler it for those that are interested to look at their own discretion.

spoilerI know I speak about unemployment but the focus is in on getting the youth employed and am no longer within that bracket

Then this is the population break down with jobs being given to the majority

Then you have then take into consideration that women and younger adults are again taken into consideration as a priority.

That a lot of the male-based “white” jobs are taken

Which then leads into the how small of a percentage I feel I have to get a job without some form of knowing someone who knows someone.

And then consider how if I can get a job, that it will be fill a quota on the lower end of the spectrum as all the “quality” white-assigned jobs are already taken by people that are entrenched or had connections to be in the position after proving their value.

So that is where my conclusion comes from where I say I need to be either extremely competent or rely on nepotism.

Or alternatively, be self-employed (which is another monster that must be slain)

If the images do not come through, then

There is an:

  • employment rate of 40.70 %
  • Labour force participation rate of 59.70%
  • Unemployment rate of 31.90 %
  • Youth Unemployment rate of 58.50 %

The population demographic is

African : 81.4% Caucasian: 7.3% for relevancy on topic

Hi, i have not been diagnosed, but have been compelled to try embrace what I have been told is my neural diversity in c/autism@lemmy.world
[–] JayEchoRay@lemmy.world 1 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Thank you for the reply

Yeah the strong sense of justice thing i get because I have been in the situations where I feel angry at it and is almost character defining

I don't know if that is a result of childhood trauma mixing with later life trauma and from that just becoming a state of existence

I like that aspect of being able to talk, but unfortunately the person who I could talk to for hours was an ex, and that is messy because there are still feelings there and because of that I cannot communicate with them when they are hopping between relationships

Otherwise, people just shut down, make assumptions or move away.

So I have just been very avoidant and keep everything in because when I share a lot of the time it is met with silence or disinterest.

I don't know if I mentioned it before but in the country where I live there is about 33% unemployment which enforce quotas require race and gender based distribution. Unfortunately by legal definitions, I am in the least desirable demographic.

Without a form of nepotism, one has to be, jn my case, generally exceptional to make it past such filters and even then expect to be stuck at lower end of the ladder because the upper end has its quotas already filled.

It is just a fact of life here that connections equal job mobility or one must start one's own income stream.

If not, then sucks to suck.

The thing that worked the longest, but collapsed was a regime of

-exercise -read a book -Journaling -meditation -affirmations -mindfulness -self-care

But without support to help me keep going when times are tough I just backslide

From that, I disliked the reading as it felt forced and the Journaling ended up being something I would be stuck ruminating on and that felt unhealthy

Affirmations and mindfulness, I guess helped but felt fake and forced

Meditation was alright when in the right headspace but generally became annoying

Exercise was probably the most positive,but my room is too small now to really do the regiment I was doing and my headspace is really messed up that I keep myself locked in a room because I rationalize no reason to leave it - which I is wrong but struggle to cognitively understand why my being refuses to just go out - probably some deep seeded traumas I have not got around to.

Self care is inconsistent

Hi, i have not been diagnosed, but have been compelled to try embrace what I have been told is my neural diversity in c/autism@lemmy.world
[–] JayEchoRay@lemmy.world 1 points 1 month ago (4 children)

Hi

I get that and thank you for the advice

I am just so tired of suffering and doing so alone

It is something that I have had to deal with since childhood and I am not asking for pity or sympathy, It is just I am so done with life and not knowing what to do.

I am tired of being strong on my own and not having the strength to be better for myself. I wish I had it, but I don't.

The proper path is always out of reach because I have no support, no one to give me a hand, not even my own parents and thus I can rely on no one for help and I get that I need to find my own way, but I have been trying to do so for so long and I think a part of me has given up and is tired of trying and getting nowhere.

I am so tired of reaching out, really trying and then getting subpar results because I cannot afford the type of stuff that I need to do. I am living off of someone else's charity and this illusion is going to break eventually and what is going to happen, scares me so much. It feels too much for me.

I know nothing is easy, but damn, it so hard to continue living when near everything thing I try to do continuously results in some form of failure or I get left behind with something that leaves me bitter.

It is not easy, and I don't expect answers but I wish I was a better person to be able to find a way out of this constant suffering.

Hi, i have not been diagnosed, but have been compelled to try embrace what I have been told is my neural diversity in c/autism@lemmy.world
[–] JayEchoRay@lemmy.world 1 points 1 month ago (6 children)

Thank you for your advice

Although I find it difficult to work on most of the suggestions put forward I can at least work on some of them at least - take small steps

I have tried some of the things you have mentioned before in the past, but I usually backslide because I have difficulty keeping it consistent, for at my best about 3 months, but that is because I did not have support to keep me going or something happened that disrupted it enough that threw me off my rhythm and then I fall into bad habits again

I know in another group mention that a friend recommended me a church counselor for mental health counseling and although it is not perfect I do have an appointment in about 2 weeks.

Hi, i have not been diagnosed, but have been compelled to try embrace what I have been told is my neural diversity in c/autism@lemmy.world
[–] JayEchoRay@lemmy.world 2 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) (3 children)

It is just a lot of going through rejection, isolation and feeling like what I say doesn't get taken seriously (in regards to when I went to the hospital - they stopped trying to diagnose and just started giving meds and I got very frustrated after 6 months of that and how they were stopped looking for the cause and decided that treating the brain chemicals was more important)

I only recently got told I most likely have neural divergent patterns because usually people do not really bother to get to know me or I am manipulated by people thinking I am too soft.

So basically I have like decades of built up issues because I don't have a means to get it out of my system, so yeah it is like a stewing pot that is always too full and bubbles over when I try to "serve" up information - it can get messy. If anything I have gotten more coherent compared to how I used to be, was told I don't need therapy, I need an exorcist before - from a normal person.

Thank you for the advice.

I do have a thing with video games and I can be very invested in shows that can make me emotional from tying a moment to a scene. I do try to get involved in groups, but unless it is small I get socially exhausted and then I have difficulty getting the motivation to get back into it.

I tried to get a something in software dev (but after getting my diploma) realised that that kind of work environment is not a good fit because I am not a great at coding and felt stronger on the information systems side but lacked confidence and the ability to "stretch the truth" to even know that I am capable because of bad interviews (my part largely ) giving me the impression that I am not qualified for the role - I have been more open to the idea of the embellishment concept, but I haven't had much luck to test it. I kind of abadoned that career path and try my hand and looking at TEFL but that is also an over-saturated market that I do not have experience in.

I sort of like books, but it is something I really need to enjoy from the start and then I can "lock in", chess I feel out of my depth in as I know it is a game that rewards large scale pattern knowledge and it is a bit too involved for me.

13
Hi, i have not been diagnosed, but have been compelled to try embrace what I have been told is my neural diversity (lemmy.world)
submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by JayEchoRay@lemmy.world to c/autism@lemmy.world
20 comments fedilink
 

So long story short

I am writing to say hi and hopefully I can find answers lurking in the shadows by everyone here.

Long story:

I guess I believed that I didn't have this and have struggled a lot over time with the thought of always thinking what I might have and why I felt so different from neural typical people

I haven't had a formal diagnosis, but I have been unofficial diagnosed with ADHD,anxiety and depression and a nurse off had mentioned that I might have Asperger's but again no formal diagnosis.

I think I might also display signs CPTSD symptoms and I tend to have a proverbial forest of these lists of traumas albeit it small but are so...persistent that it is quite extensive in the sense that I could write a short story trying to explain myself with how I am feeling with this.

I think because my younger brother is mentally challenged to the point where he cannot look after himself, I think I have been hesitant to claim being neural divergent in fears that I might be thinking I am "broken"

But I have been, I guess, exploring, trying to understand what I might have because I have been forced to really try and make progress in my life after being "paralysed" by not feeling I am making any progress in my life.

I have always been something of a black sheep, generally have been of strong opinion and I am observant enough that I am decent at reading people to the point where I can call out other people's bs to a reasonable degree.

I believe I am strong willed in the sense that I am not too easily swayed, but tend to fold with a "second inner self" that is on watch once I have experienced something bad. I also feel like I can be caught up in a collective "energy" too

My life is one of wearing masks and figuring out the right "persona" to put on for the right "performance"

I also struggle with interpersonal relationships as I have a tendency to overshare and be verbose in both my words and actions.

I have a bad tendency to trust and that has led to me being taken advantage of a lot, which has a knock on effect of making me be very cautious of people and their intent, which leaves me feeling very lonely and unloved as I struggle to make connections

I have difficulties making connections because I generally scare everyone away with how "heavily burdened" my soul feels and that leads to struggling to regulate and being force to have to mask up and live with the tiring burden of wanting to "fit in"

I am unemployed, I have been looking for employment and struggle to find many jobs to apply to because of a lack of confidence in my skills and feeling very self-conscious because I am in student debt that I cannot pay and I am forced to stay with my parents which also makes and leaves me with guilt as it is a household that is hanging on by the generosity of family.

might come across as graphics ( ie suicidal

It makes me feel very stuck in life as I struggle to move forward and I am not so young anymore so the aging feels like noose with time being the hangman. The thought does come to my mind of suicide, but life has given me reason enough to fear death as I have lived through experiences ( dodging a knife swung at me, not acting out rage and it scarying me that i was euphorically angry, survive almost drowning, had a near miss of a metal rugby tog hitting my eye) that have made me realise I don't really want to die

I do have a suicide prevention buddy, that I try and keep in contact with and only really ask for help when it gets really bad as they rightfully don't engage with my ramblings unless it is very serious. They are very busy, but still find time ti try and be someone to offer assistance and try pass on job opportunities if they find something they they think is applicable

Just overall life sucks and I do not know what to do with myself as all roads feel like a dead end

How can I describe my inability for my brain to be on autopilot? "Hyper-mindfulness?" More importantly...how can I get support for it? in c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world
[–] JayEchoRay@lemmy.world 1 points 2 months ago

I assume you are getting help and some form of therapy if you received a diagnosis and taking tests.

I don't know if this will help and I am sure someone more qualified can correct me, but maybe you can make improvements with framing things in a different way.

Like you say you have an over-active imagination, perhaps try and frame an element of work towards a goal or make a checklist of what you need to do and reward yourself when you complete say 50% of the goals in the day and try work yourself up to 75% and then 100% of goals. Make it into something you can interact with and look at it like a game and a form of motivation.

I don't know, for me I can do things in short bursts when I try and force myself to try move forward and I think the longest streak was when I was able to "hold myself accountable" for doing a certain amount of tasks in a day.

For me, a common thing that seems to help is to do something and "reward" myself if I make progress which seems to be a generally positive reinforcement to me.

So I guess try and frame it into a reward system to make yourself feel like you achieved something instead of a burden. I do not know if that is wrong or more harmful but maybe it can help?

I mean I am coming to terms that I have a little bit of everything while I learn about myself and the closest I got to a diagnosis was an unofficial one of ADHD, Depression and Anxiety

How to stop work anxiety impacting the rest of my life? in c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world
[–] JayEchoRay@lemmy.world 3 points 2 months ago

I don't know if some of it is similar, but I can sort understand some of your experiences.

It is like the energy is focused on what is perceived as "important" and when you have time alone then there is a just a feeling of being drained and the body shuts down because of all that energy to maintain appearances.

I don't know if there is an insecurity with maintaining appearances and without thinking putting in more energy into people than they deserve, but I can understand the feeling of giving work ( when I had work) more than it deserved.

That is a me thing and maybe it is relatable.

I can't really offer any advice because I have been forced to just keep going without much quality involved working on improving and I have a lot of maladaption developed from that.

I do think the advice offered by others has merits though and hopefully you can find something that can lessen or at least help spread out the intensity of your concentration

10
Frustration and Anguish (lemmy.world)
 

wall of text ahead

I need to get this out as it is burning in my chest and crawling at my mind and if I don't I fell like my body will give out even quicker than it will.

So mentioned before finding "peace" with an acknowledgement and how it feels like time has started to move forward.

But as time moves marches on, I am getting more and more agitated at the thought of the person I believe I found peace with.

I don't know if this is just a hidden feedback that now getting a chance to feel, like really feel that suppressed emotion to how I was feeling and not walking away from the red flags.

I appreciate the person for loving me and giving me good memories, but all that fades away in a wash of reddish grey when it gets judged against their repeated actions that (emotionally) hurt me and how I was not strong enough to just walk away.

How even up to the point where they said they realised what they did they were still having signs that put doubt in my mind that they probably really can't change as they have lived this life of speaking of personal improvement and have created this grand illusion to get them through life (which, to be fair, is more positive than what I have been doing).

But their actions during this time over the period of knowing them speak louder than the improvements they claim to have made - which I will give them credit to, they have made.

There is a saying "don't listen to the words, look at the actions" and those actions were consistent along the period of their "transformation"

It was wrong of me to hold them to a promise they said they will still be a friend, to still pursue a friendship because my ego wanted them to be a better person and that backfired in my face spectacularly, as they willfully chose wrong paths repeatedly and I was not strong enough to guide them.

These further mistakes feedback looped into the problems with what happened during the relationship where I experienced things outside of it that, emotionally, I hope no one experiences.

Like this is the reality, most people are selfish and I want those that were close to me to be better people, but maybe my ideals are too idealistic as I only end up getting hurt.

This isn't the first person that has did this to me, just the first person to acknowledge it and I was so stubborn to try and get this resolution. I think because I was tired of being hurt without the other person understanding why.

So I know I am doing stuff wrong, I own that. It is part of this mess of grey matter between my ears. It is just how unequal the cause and effect tend to swing.

I will use one example that is not too defamatory:

I know I need to be strong, but I am so tired of trying to be strong that I asked, as a friend, for strength and what I received was mechanical. almost detached advice and I tried it and what I wanted but probably didn't word it right was someone to help keep me going - purely as a friend to you know be a shoulder to lean on and gather strength again to push on.

But the moment I didn't follow exactly what they set, they pushed away and left me alone to deal with what they said I should do.

And their words felt so shallow and hypocritical, when they told me how I must be strong on my own when they always seem to have someone there for them.

Maybe they just got tired of trying, of listening and I know I was too autistic to explain why I felt so much mixed emotions that just got worse every time we would talk as they would somehow add another notch on that wound with their actions.

Now feel so bitter because I know that I will mostly likely not find someone and I might just cave and settle for someone that will just hurt me again in the future - either this person or someone else.

Because at my age, there is usually (I understand that not everyone is) just broken people and they (including) myself, just bring more misery either in the actions, words or mindsets.

To find someone that somehow is patient enough to even deal with me would be an undertaking I feel no one is capable of handling.

And I know, I cannot even consider even that before I have some stability in my life - because no one wants a loser that has nothing going for them in their lives.

It is like I want to scream at the world

Even if, by some miracle, I try get my life around - I still feel by all intents and purposes a failure.

I am in debt for an education that is worthless to me as I soon realised that I don't have the real world working aptitude for it, I am unemployed (I did recently apply for something that will probably be minimum wage but doubt I will get it) in a country where there is already high unemployment and my demographic is of a lower desirability - like it is enshrined in law to maintain quotas - so it is what it is.

This country it is either you know someone and they get you into a position or you get screwed raw because the employer knows your options are limited and push the boundaries to the point that they see how much value they can extract before you pop from the pressure.

I am in such a mental mess that even when I live with my parents I still have to live with a mask on to try keep the illusion of stability and I keep it on because they are incapable of understanding anything (and this goes right back to childhood) as I have tried in the past and it just flies over their heads- they are congruently ignorant (like when I discussed with them about my depression, many years ago - it was seen as this thing I was incapable of being able to handle)

I feel so much shame in my parent's home that I cannot even leave it without some reason.

The only reason we, the family, are not on the streets and I am able to write this is because of their pensions, my brother's disability grant and how family help to allow us to survive and I am getting so scared because as my parents are getting older I am getting more worried for my brother, who is mentally disabled to the point he cannot survive on his own.

I am an absolute mess from decades of suppressed and more visible (small) traumas that have built into this monstrosity of regret, anger, sadness and despondence that I never got around to heal because I was trying to "be strong"

Who knows what other emotions are bubbling waiting for the triggers and I am trying to heal, then the get thrown the narrative tells me "toughen up, bitch - no ones going to help you, you brought this all on yourself", but there is just too much for me to wade through.

I did reach out to a contact a friend suggested I try - it was church counseling and despite my "best efforts" they did organise a session where someone can talk to me 2 weeks from now.

And as I write this, I recall someone still telling me in my past -even more years back - that when I when on a emotional tirade (which I know isn't fair to people), I don't need a therapist, I need a priest to perform an exorcism so I guess that "prophesy came true" as I agreed to a phone session with a Father.

I am spent - I don't even know if this will help me, but I needed it out of my system as I feel like I am metaphorically coughing up the poison I have let sit in my body for who knows how long.

5
It is like 1 step forward and 3 steps back (lemmy.world)
 
                                    **WARNING**

                         **Large wall of text ahead**

I hate always writing about negative things, but this is something that I did not expect to happen and I acknowledge that I am at fault as well for this situation.

I haven't been in a relationship since I broke up with my ex and the last thing I asked from them was to "do better".

Needless to say, they might only start to do that from yesterday, maybe not because in my twisted selfish desire to gain closure I have been on and off again friends with them and I got through to them how much pain they were and had put me through my life.

They actually stopped trying to be someone who was hiding being all the bullshit they were using over they years, their interpretation of neutral science, etc, reframing things and on and on.

And like I think I am coming to terms that I have a collection of neurodivergent conditions.... maybe not conditions possibly traits that probably made the whole thing an absolute nightmare to experience on both sides when I try and explain the pain I am feeling from their actions and how they try to rationalise it and sort of sweep it under the rug of "self-improvement".

They apologised sincerely for the right reason (and not a half-heart apology that didn't really have any real deep meaning behind) for the what they put me through all this time and in the moment it was euphoric because it was the first time I got through to someone who hurt me to actually understand what they did to me.

That is in itself is selfish, I can own that, and I can acknowledge that my pain is self-inflicted that I was so attached to care and look for that validation from them.

I even encouraged them to not break up their relationship after they came to the realisation of their actions,

And in the interest of that, they had to cut me off again because my influence was too much for them and could be a point of friction as they would want to come back to me.

I insisted I do not want to be a point of friction in a relationship she is finding to be in a good place. That I will not be as bad as the people I have been telling them to not be and who have hurt me

And in the last message, I told them to "do better"

And now that I found peace with that specific pain and getting recognition for it - which was I believe a decade too late (with added issues added along the way),

I am stuck with even more conflicting emotions it is like a decades worth of build up is sort of moving forward. Like that whole thing was something stuck for a decade and only now is time moving forward again and I am feeling all this other emotions that I never gave myself time to feel before as I never had the chance to actually try find closure with any relationship.

I am ping-ponging between all these confusing emotions as I think I attached to them as an emotional pillar.

Because I am struggling with all this other traumas, it is like fighting new monsters with the existing monsters and it is this like a Jurrasic Park of dinosaurs in a replicating battle royale.

There is elements where I hate the fact that I loved them and was stubborn enough to stick with them to have them try and "get it", that I was stuck for someone that was probably not worth it, there is the part I want the best for them and want them happy, there is a selfish part that feels like I want them and I can wait to sweep them off there feet, there is the part that knows that is stupid and I will just find pain again, but then there is a part where maybe I did change them for the better, but then again maybe not.

There is parts like why I am caring, they didn't care when they were doing all those things that hurt you, things that you know they will never tell you that would probably hurt you even more - why the hell are you so concerned for them.

Like I invested in them and my selfish ego wants to claim the dividends - that is metaphor and not like claim they are mine more I helped them be a better person and possibly a better partner and I will not be able to see any of that or be a part of that.

Selfishly, It feels why did I waste my efforts for someone that never really appreciated what I tried to do.

Then there that evil voice that schemes that I could probably win them over, but then again would I be any better than the people they were trying to find meaning in.

Would I be any better?

And this can go on and on for who knows how many other permutations and variations of thought around this and it could just keep going.

It is all so conflicting and I don't know if my ego is so fragile from all the trauma that I have constructive a narrative that this person will be a good fit for me or it is this delusional belief that I am so scared of being alone that I am gravitated towards someone that can feel love me in a life that I felt very devoid of that feeling and I needed peace to let them acknowledge that I did love them, I made mistakes and that I wanted them to acknowledge and actually understand the mistakes they are making as they keep making them.

And this against a backdrop where my prospects seem so bleak and when I try move forward I get gut punched - like I wanted to apply for a job, I did all the paperwork and just before applying I decided to look into the place I was applying to without the blinkers, I am guarded by from scammers and it gave the same vibes.

And now when I look at the the job boards I just see nothing I can do as I am not qualified(experience or qualification), not the target demographic, especially as I am getting on the older side of thing (not over the hill just yet, but in a bracket I know is close to undesirable)

I tried contacting a church based therapy place a friend provided before and that was also embarrassing as they seem more confused more than anything when I contacted them and I don't even know what is happening there, I provided my number but not sure if they have to schedule something before something will happen there.

In regards to the suggestions that were given to me I am still in a very chaotic place physically (less appetite, sleep needs to still settle as is also chaotic and some other issues)

I did look at a few places, they are a bit far out of the way:

The regards to charity locations, they are quite a distance from me to walk. Similarly, clubs are even further away

The strongest contender that I can see having potential is a martial art that I do know someone from high school who I could ask about, but I would need some saving aside to afford that, even though they do have the first lesson free.

I lost a lot of passion for the blog I was doing for myself as I feel like I write there and all that is happening is A.I. is scrapping it and making money off my work that I was giving for free (indirectly). It feels like I writing into a whirlpool that just sucks everything up and there is nothing to really show for it.

I did have a chat with a friend and is someone that doesn't engage when I lean into my mental state and I find that useful for me as it is like I am forced to re-calibrate from my current mindset to chat with them.

At least today with a chat I did thank them for letting me at least feel "normal" with what we were talking about (discussing their job and what they are doing) and that helped calm and distract me from the chaos for awhile

And I did contact another friend that has a very busy lifestyle, but thought to try reach out there as well.

It is frustrating I am trying to move forward, trying to be stronger for myself but there is like I have let myself get wrapped up in a tarpit and I can make some forward movement but it get kicked back with all this self talk that I also want something more with my life and it is always out of reach.

17
I am starting to become concerned with my mental state (lemmy.world)
 

It happened today, I was in daze and just wanted one person to just talk to and in that daze I was blinded by that desire.

I ended up giving my WhatsApp number and age to a scammer, but my incessant babbling was helpful as they kept trying to be insistent and even got aggressive on the point of payment and it was like the haze was lifted.

I told them I was going to block them as instinctive retort in indignation, , reported the number on WhatsApp for fraud, reported the number to the ftc ( which i know can be spoofed), locked my Sim, added fingerprint and facial recognition.

Blocked the person on the app I used, deleted the account and uninstalled.

I alsoI didn't have a profile picture on WhatsApp although I do still fear they might have extracted enough data from me in my stupidity as I left a review, and I am in paranoia mode that I gave them a too much information already.

I don't know if it is mental decline or I have been mentally fighting for so long that my brain was working on autopilot

Just please don't be like me, this environment is a safe enough place and I was in the desire for human contact and even when I could see it was scam before, it did not register as scam in the moment.

8
Second opinions on just trying to make sense of things (lemmy.world)
 

So I usually go long winded and "intense" when I do these things.

So please note this is another long post.

But recently, I was on a involuntary "dopamine depravation", basically had no electrical power for 5 days and I was stuck in the home and by the 3 day I was I guess going crazy - I guess "lost in the sauce" as it were as my brain went into overload just going over a whole lot of negative stuff. I did sit outside during this period a couple times a day but by night time did the brain go into overdrive.

I had to physically and mentally(mostly) exhaust myself to sleep or try and find someone sort of temporary self-acceptance to focus on to remain calm.

It was like I have been ignoring my demons and it came out to play.

It was like replaying thoughts and trying to find connections to things, looking at why things make me felt the way it did and I was forced to at least try to be honest with myself with things.

When the electricity came back, it was a dopamine rush and tried to take steps to at least deal with at least one of the more pressing problems that was screaming at me.

Doing this and while confronting it, I sort of realise that most of my dominant memories which stretch back all the way to primary school (grade 1 and I am almost 40 now) are usually negative with the strongest almost having a strong resonance to reliving those experiences.

I can close my eyes and start popping off a lot of those moments down to roughly the year with hazy recollection of how it looked like but I can remember how I felt. Most of them are bad memories, especially linked to strong emotion (which I know results in a panic attack if it gets too much and go into "reset mode")

For example, the time I actually received some proper attention was years ago from a bad break up which led to going into a very dangerous place when I perceived the other person had escalated the problem.

Long story short - when I close my eyes and think of the moment I almost lost it my muscles tighten up almost immediately and I have a slightly accelerated breathing. When I tried explaining it while writing, my chest was getting hot, my breathing got heavier and I felt the adrenaline heat and excitement like activating fighter or flight as I was thinking back to that moment.

That moment was the angriest I had ever been and I was the pins edge of snapping and the student therapists helped me a lot with that anger, even had me sign a "suicide prevention pact". They did a lot to get me to calm down. I still use that anger as a litmus test for my anger and try to make sure I never get that angry again.

When I wrote the above, that my mind starts "recompute" to that event and my brain "locks in" and prepares interlocked points and it is sorted and "presented" to me with most relevant point.

Making personal correlations about living in the emotion when I recall things, I sort of stumble upon all these terrible emotions tied to memories is maybe the result of decades of built up traumas that have developed PTSD-like effects. When I "live" through that memory I can have vivid flashback, how my framing is like that is in the moment living that emotion and writing it in a way of how I felt in that moment.

I have carried all these small traumas over the years that have never been resolved like mental fly sticky papers and it makes me start to wonder why I have so much trouble connecting with people and how I feel like I am stuck in a tarpit.

If I had to imagine my inner self in a series of colours, It is like a raging black maelstrom with orbs or spheres of differing colours, representing an idea or person, swimming in it. So the story I just told is like a raging fire that has cracks but it is sealed and the core is stable. If I had to take a take something unresolved then it would be a sphere slowly being consumed as the maelstrom seeps in the cracks until all that is left is a a small sphere engulfed in darkness.

I am probably poor in my social skills from unresolved early development bullying and isolation - but I sort of forced myself to be able to be social when I need to be by, I think, observation and imitation.

My love life is atrocious and fraught with a lot of emotions that I feel became traumas and as a result I feel has also left me bitter with myself and lost hope.

I cannot even have the will to go outside unless I have an valid and tangible objective then I can walk for potentially a few hours if need be.

I mean I don't know much about these things so I did some googling and stumbled across complex PTSD, and made me think a part of why I am so miserable is I must be living in a state of some form of chronic PTSD.

I feel like have evolved my "addiction" to mental stimulation (currently writing is on rotation) because if I cannot distract my brain with something. I fall into this deep self talk which is generally a negative headspace where I think I guess I feed the unresolved traumas.

What makes it worst is the last time I tried getting mental health help through the free services here, it was not a pleasant experience. A friend of mine had to contact them and I don't know how, convinced them to call me back as they didn't want to contact me at the time after I told them I had issues answering the phone quickly (phone's speakers where broken so I had to plug in a earpieces to answer the phone). It was generally 3 rings and then hang up.

Anyway to paraphrase in less tactful way their response in summary was: get a job, touch grass and go back to the clinic, they have other people to talk to (number specified) which felt like "we have limited time and don't have time to waste on you."

And this really angers me because if I am not acting in a way that is considered high risk it feels like I am not being taken seriously. I mean stopped going to the free clinic when they stopped bothering to even discuss my mental state and it became a case of collect pills and leave.

Again apologies for the long post, I couldn't sleep and decided to try and express something that I feel could help get me closer to an idea what I might be suffering from as I never really got a formal diagnosis the last time I was at the clinic.

1
Xcom 2: War of the Chosen - an Avenger Defense story (lemmy.world)
 

Tldr

Warlock and the Lost meet up on Avenger defense mission, and my brain froze like my PC when a Gatekeeper enacted a mass resurrection of a large collection of fallen Lost and for my sanity required me to redirect every available resource to the Gatekeeper to not lose the campaign by virtue of locking myself out of the game if the enemy Gatekeeper survived.

Ended the mission with, if I recall correctly, 355 kills of which most of them where caused by the Gatekeeper who effectively doubled the body count

More detailed account:

spoilerOn a Ironman Commander difficulty chill run, decided to take my time with the Chosen and deal with them as a pre-final mission victory lap.

So leave them to their devices and deal with the Avenger defenses as they come.

This ideal changed very quickly once I was accosted by the Warlock with "The Lost" Dark Event.

So I take it slow as every 2 turns I have to deal with the 4 exploding ghosts the Warlock likes to pop into battle. This forced me into a defensive position and had my Reaper scout and move towards the cannon while snipers pick off what I could in between down time.

Of course, I could not always get the ghosts so they explode and draw in Lost.

So I end up digging in around the Avenger with the rest of the team setting up a "Kill Zone" in a nice convenient pass.

By the time I gain control of the situation and start working towards finishing up the mission, I am sitting with the pass with a graveyard of probably about 100 Lost corpses lying about.

I move the rest of the team forward, taking enemy forces as I advance and on enemy turn, a Gatekeeper, spotted earlier but not finished as I had assigned it a "lesser threat" moved into range towards the Lost graveyard. Needless to say, I could not finish it with what little overwatch I had in place and it did its psionic wizardry.

Game hangs for quite a while and eventually comes to as it is now in control of an army of Lost. My turn has a new objective now that forces me to ignore everything else to kill that Gatekeeper as I cannot handle the thought of having 100+ enemies take their turn if I fail.

Fortunately I was able to kill it with every explosive and ability I had on hand and experienced an equally cathartic release of emotion as my PC was catching up to the sound of the hordes dying out in the ensuing psionic backlash.

Needless to say, I was able to complete the mission with 355 kills to the mission - which the game counts revived enemy zombies as a "kill" if they go down

1
Cleocatra Rule (lemmy.world)
 

Curse you, Bark Anthony! https://lemmy.world/post/20225360

Compelled me to contribute

Image source: https://kr.pinterest.com/pin/464363411556861530/

Image author: https://kr.pinterest.com/kelseybbb/

1
When the will of Armok manifests (lemmy.world)
 

A story I love sharing from an older version of the game and unfortunately the only one that I kept track of as I was left stunned at the result.

A forgotten beast Cyclops decided to pay my dwarven city a visit, so I sound the call to seal the city as I let the hunters act as a vanguard to get my dwarves inside. Unfortunately, the cyclops makes quick work of them and I only just started getting my military in order after getting my iron production started.

So here I quickly assign one of the early recruits to the role of Captain of the Guard, in the role of delaying the foul beast while I scramble to get a militia going to drive it off.

Little did I expect for this single dwarf to not only stand up to the cyclops in single combat but brutally kill it too.

I know cylcops are fairly low on the danger scale, but still to watch and read the logs as this greenbeard dwarf digs into a forgotten beast like I am reading a God of War fanfic was glorious.

1
XCOM Franchise Reviews (gamingmentalblog.blogspot.com)
submitted 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) by JayEchoRay@lemmy.world to c/blogging@programming.dev
0 comments fedilink
 

Just finished uploading the last of my reviews on Firaxis' take on XCOM. In the link, is the page of the 5 games reviewed.

Hope whoever reads it - enjoys

1
Game Blog Review: Dwarf Fortress (gamingmentalblog.blogspot.com)
 

Last review for the month. Seeing as Adventure Mode for the KitFox Version is coming out next month, decided to do a write up for it

1
The Internet be like: (lemmy.world)
 

Cooked this up after seeing a picture of a certain Yahg and could not resist

1
Gratitude and Appreciation (lemmy.world)
 

I just wanted to express gratitude to those that helped give that little push to just blog what I feel and go with it. I have gotten to the point where I have published my 20th post today.

Although I do feel my blog site needs work, It has at least made me more confident to try and push my work into social networks by uploading posts of it on Mastodon and using my old Facebook as well. It is giving me more confidence to try "market" it I guess.

Still trying to figure out my schedule and most likely going to look at my least viewed posts and bring them up to the standard of the ones that got more views but overall I do feel better about myself while doing this expression of self

So with that I give a Thank You to the community 🫡

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