Or maybe that's not the question.
I've seen it when people are engrossed in something. When they take whatever time they have to engage with it. So maybe the question is how do I find a hobby? Though logically you'd need to love something for it to be your hobby?
Say; I watch a ton of anime and I really like to watch anime. At what point is it a love for it then? When I pick up the brush myself? So sure, I'll do and try. And shortly after I stop and give up.
I kind of assume I love my family. But thinking of whether I'd cry if they were gone I draw blank. If they ask something of me I should be glad to do it? I get to spend time with them? That should have me engaged in that time if I love them? But then I'm not.
So is the question then how do I stop being lazy and put in effort? That's probably the better question. So if I don't want to do that, I don't want to love something then? How do I push through then? Or would that be forcing myself into it and I end up hating what I wanted to love? Or is it just hate toward me for failing again and not following though because it's hard?
So is the question then how to do hard things? I want to move out, I've worked up enough savings to attend uni overseas away from the oppressive dread that the US has become. I want to maybe take up a comp sci degree. I want to make a game that's been kicking around in my head forever now. But that's all I do. Want things. I come home tired, just cook, eat, watch or play something and go back to work in the morning. Dodged the question the second time. Nothing done again.
I can't leave or that's another excuse. My family relies on me being around. Helping with everything modern day related including online accounts, navigation and English. I'm the only one with a job. The bills are on me. An excuse? Or do I care about them? Their hopes and dreams are on me. Continue the bloodline or whatever.
No I clearly don't care, going so far to legally change my name completely. Futile rebellion? No, laziness again. Avoid conversation to explain why your name is the way it is. Fit in. Conform. Then what of my dreams? Where do excuses end? When will the self pity end? Shouldn't I just live? What is it to live? Better post it online for an ego surf later. Surely that will fix everything. Just make it someone else's problem like always. Some people can be nice like that, why don't I use that kindness.
Makes me sick. What twisted creature does that. Was the question all along 'What am I?'. Delusional, obviously. Talk to your friends that you obviously have and didn't squander playing videogames instead of making connections with people in college that your family broke their backs for to make you money for. That you didn't cut ties with after moving countries. They may be dead in the war for all you know. You should have never left. Maybe even made your sorry existence worth something in fighting for a cause. But you don't care. All you ever do is nothing. It's just so easy to do nothing, isn't it.
Was the question how do I embrace a hollow selfish shell of a person standing atop a castle built of arrogance, desolate lands as far as the eye wanders. Or how to destroy it; let it fall and shatter its hate into pieces, nature to take its course and reclaim the barren lands. What was it? The question I seek the answer to?
Drama queen that guy. Don't mind him. Just go out and make friends. Right! Oh wait it's America and you have to get into a car to get anywhere. Screw it, bike then. Where I'll just be sweaty and tired by the time I get anywhere. Oh woe is you. Fine, you got friendly with your co-workers at least. Great I get to play video games with them if our schedules match. And so we're comfortable right!? After making all of those excuses right!?
But still empty. A good job, a house, money. None of it is yours. Your family worked hard to get here where you stand. A lazy ball of anger and hate. You've no right to complain. You'd toss it all away wouldn't you? Then do it. How do I stop this pain? How do I end it?
It doesn't.
All of me knows that at least.
Then you can't live. So then to live is to experience pain.
Pain of failure.
Pain of goodbyes.
Pain of endless empty monologues.
Pain of explaining what you feel.
Pain of empty platitudes.
Pain of contradiction.
Pain of seeking comfort in self loathing.
Pain of guilt from pity.
Without the pain, pleasure loses meaning. With only pain, pleasure is mute. That's all I ever attained by doing nothing as the pain never leaves. Meaninglessness and pointlessness. A hollow muted nothingness.
Was the question then how do I accept pain and move beyond it to attain pleasure? Was there ever a question? Where did it all begin?
Why yes. With a question I now ask again;
How do I learn to love something?
The answer was ever present.
The question never mattered.
You now know as much.
But it's too late.
The deed done: the prose over;
The due paid; With time we both lost to the kaleidoscope of self indulgent me's.
I'm sorry. You are not sorry. Keep the change. You are welcome. Goodbye.
Our work started giving Claude access. Plugging sonnet 4.6 in with opencode I had it do some terragrunt code. It was mostly correct. Highly documented languages seem to be its best. The modules I had it write cost 4 bucks of tokens total.
It just gave insane ick using it though. I might just resign to using it though because of our backlog and burn out.