Ask Lemmy

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"Pope Francis," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

"We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”

A month later, Dave again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained Dave. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”

“What did he say?”

“He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?"

From Futurama when they're getting dragged down to Atlantis and the professor is like "That's over 1000 atmospheres of pressure!" and Fry asks him how many atmospheres the ships hull can withstand. "Well, it's a spaceship, so anywhere between zero and one."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

What's the difference between an Indian restaurant and a Vietnamese restaurant?

A skeleton walks into a bar and says “gimme a beer and a mop!”

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A bear walks into a bar and the bartender asks what the bear wants. The bear replies, "I'll have a gin and...tonic." The bartender looks confused and asks, "what's with the big pause." The bear looks at the bartender and says, "well I'm a bear."

Two hunters walk in the woods when one of them just falls over, apparently dead. His friend calls the emergency services.

Hunter: Help! my friend just fell over and died in the middle of the forest, what do I do?

Emergency operator: Calm down sir. First you have to make sure that he is actually dead.

A gunshot is heard.

Hunter: Ok, now what?

A man walks into a rooftop bar of a hotel and takes a seat next to a man with several shot glasses and a bottle of tequila in front of him. He's understandably shocked when the man throws back a shot, walks over to the ledge, and jumps off.

What shocks him even more is that 5 minutes later the man gets off the elevator, sits back down, and pours another shot.

He exclaimed, "How did you survive? I just saw you jump off the ledge!"

The man looks over and says, "I'm going to let you in on a secret. This is magic tequila. After taking a shot and jumping off, you slow down and stop just before hitting the ground. Come see!"

He's guided to the ledge and watches as the man throws back another shot and jumps. Sure enough, right before hitting the ground, he slows down and stops.

"Well I have to try this," he exclaimed. He took a shot of the magic tequila, walked up to the edge, and jumped off. Right before he hit the ground... Nothing happened and he hit the ground.

A few minutes later the man gets off the elevator, sits back down, and pours another shot.

The bartender says, "You know, you're really an asshole when you drink, Superman."

A man visits the doctor: "Every morning at 6 o’clock sharp, I take a huge shit."
"Oh, well, that’s good - it means you have regular bowel movements."
"Sure... but I never wake up before 7."

Another one:
A man visits the doctor: "Can I take a bath with diarrhea?"
"Of course - if you can fill an entire tub..."

"-IGHT NOW!"

"WHAT DO WE WANT?"

"TIME TRAVEL!"

"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"

"R-"

I couldn't figure out why the basketball kept getting bigger, then it hit me.

i like to tell this at dinner parties, introduced as 'the holocaust joke'

jewish guy, gets thrown into a concentration camp. spends years in there.. somehow makes it through the entire war alive, saved by the americans at the very end. after the war he migrates to the united states, finds a bride and has a large family. he lives to a very ripe age of 99, and suddenly at his death, finds himself at the pearly gates of heaven.

the jewish man walks through the gates, down a long hall where he can just make out a looming figure at the end. he approaches god himself.

the jewish man says, "god, i'd like to tell you a holocaust joke"

god looks down at the man and in a booming voice says "sir, that is not funny."

the jewish man says "oh, i guess you had to be there"

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks. The first blonde says, "oh look, deer tracks." The second blonde says, "no, those are moose tracks." The third blonde says, "you're both wrong, those are bear tracks!" Then they were hit by a train.

I spent all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

How did the hipster burn his mouth? - He ate pizza before it was cool.

The jackhammer was a ground-breaking invention.

I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side. My legs, for always supporting me. And my fingers because I can always count on them.

Why do Swedes put barcodes on all their ships?

So when they arrive back they can scan da navy in

What's big, flat, and green and if it falls from a tree on you it will kill you?

This one has been my favorite since I was single digits years old.

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

I’ve got a knock knock joke for you. You go first.

“Knock knock”

Who’s there?

“ … ”

The past, present, and future walked into a bar.

It was a tense situation.

A snail goes into a pub, comes up to the bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says "You taking the piss mate? We don't serve molluscs here."

Snail, outraged, asks why not.

The bartender refuses to elaborate, and just tells the snail to piss off.

"Listen," says the snail, "I'm not leaving until I get my beer."

At this point the bartender has had enough of this. He picks up the snail in one hand and hurls him out the door.

Two years later, the bartender is there, getting ready for the evening rush, when the same snail appears in the doorway.

Bartender looks at him and says "You again?"

Snail looks back and says "Hey man, what the hell?"

Why did the near-sighted man fall in to the well?

--

Because he didn't see that well.

A man takes a vacation in spain. He asks around for recommendations and finds a small vintage restaurant close to the bull fight arena. It is very full, but he manages to get a seat. He does not speak the language he orders by pointing at a random dish. When it arrives, he digs in and is astonished. The flavor and texture of the meat, the rice, the sauce, just everything tastes breathtakingly good. He asks for a waiter who speaks English and wants to know what he ate. "It is the testicles of a bull, killed in the arena. " the waiter tells him. The man is taken aback at first, but he has to admit that it tasted brilliant. So he comes back the next day ordering the same dish. After the meal, he complains to the waiter: " The food was heavenly again, but why was it so much smaller then yesterday?" He asks. The waiter responds, "You see. Sone times, the bull does not lose"

A baby polar bear trundles up to its father and says, "hey dad, am I 100% pure polar bear?" His father replies, "I'm busy hunting seals. Go ask your mother." The baby bear then trundles over and asks his mom, "hey mom, am I 100% pure polar bear?" The mother answers "Wow that's an interesting question. So...your father and I are both 100% pure polar bear. My mother and father were 100% pure polar bear and your father's parents were 100% pure polar bear. So that means that you are 100% pure polar bear. Why do you ask?" And the baby polar bear answered "Because I'm fucking freezing!"

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?

The ultra sound guy.

But who's the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultra sound guy is off?

The hip replacement guy.

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Why do french people only have one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

Obligatory. https://natethesnake.com/

What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre.

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.

Rita was a smart, good looking young woman. Unfortunately, she was not blessed with money and to afford her university tutition, she had to start working at the local brothel.

One afternoon the police raided the brothel. While they were checking up the house and talking to the brothel mother, the policement made all the girls line up out side the brothel, so everybody in town could see who was working there.

Unfortunately for Rita, her grandma was on her afternoon walk, whe she was lining up. Her grandma did not know Rita, had been working as a sex worker.

To Rita's dismay her grandma come over to her and asked what she was doing and what she was lining up for. Not wanting her pour grandmother zo know what her job was, Rita decided to lie to her grandma as she was sure she'd die of shock if she knew the truth and told her she was lining up to get free oranges. The grandma was delighted and said she also loves oragens and thus would stay in line with Rita.

Soon the check up on the brothel was done and the officers moved to check on the girls. They walked past of them with not a single second glance. That is until they came to Rita's grandma. One officer could not hide his surprise and couriousness and had to ask her:

"Are you not a little bit too old to be standing here?"

Rita's grandma replied: "No, sir. I love em. I take off my theeth like this, and them suck em dry. I can't help but love their juice".

A horse goes up to the bar, and they look sad, so the barman goes "why the long face?"

"My wife just died, and I'm not handling it well, another drink"

[long and NSFW]

Drew Barrymore's grandfather was an actor named John Barrymore. He was a sex crazed degenerate who possessed an ungodly penis. It was both huge and insatiable.

One Friday he was in Tajuana and was attacked by a madam at a brothel. The woman was enraged because he'd worn out all her girls before the weekend rush.

The police chief arrived, calmed the woman down, and escorted John to another house, where the star performer, Matilde, was known for pleasuring five men at a time.

The next morning the owner of the second house reported that Matilde had left her job, citing 'combat fatigue.'

The chief decided he had a golden opportunity. He took John to his office and laid out his proposal. He would rent a theater and provide a dozen women. Then the two of them would split the tickets. John loved the idea! It was a chance to combine his two great loves; performing and performing!

Ticket sales were brisk, and soon they decided to move the venue from a small theater to a bullfighting ring. Express trains were chartered in New York and Chicago, air ships were scheduled in London, Paris and Tokyo.

Twelve of the most depraved and enthusiastic prostitutes in the world were hired. Olga, the body builder who could crush a baseball bat without using her hands. Hareemi, the snake woman, who could lick the back of her own neck. The Goldfarb twins from Long Island. Jungle women, swamp women, some trained by science, and some unknown to science...

The big night finally arrived. One man traded a brand new Rolls Royce for a standing room ticket. The town had never seen anything like it!

Good taste forbids a graphic recounting of what happened that night. Suffice it to say that the first five women were left exhausted, and John was hardly breathing hard.

The next five were also given pleasure so intense that men in the closest seats suffered permanent hearing loss.

But it looked like John was slowing down.

Woman 11 came out and it was obvious that John was losing a step. Sweat poured from him, he was gasping, his eyes bugged out of his head!

The final woman was Raunchy Rita, the Texas Tornado. She could kill a pony by crushing it with her thighs and had often pleasured herself with a red hot branding iron.

No two accounts of that epic confrontation exactly coincide. The only fact everyone agrees on is that both titans has to be taken to the hospital when it was over.

Six days later, John came out of his coma. The police chief was there.

"Amigo, what happened? I thought you could do it easily."

"I don't know what went wrong. Everything was fine when we rehearsed it in the afternoon!"

Two guys are at the bar when one announces that he has to leave. "Where do you have to be?" "I have to go home to take care of the bees." "The bees? You keep bees?" "Yes, I keep bees." "You live in a studio apartment! Where do you keep the bees?" "In a shoebox under the bed." "You keep bees in a shoebox under the bed?" "Yeah. They're bees. Fuck 'em."

Question : What's white and goes up? - Answer : A lazy snowflake 😁