Ask Men

“marital duties”

My male perspective, from that phrase alone, is that he's an asshole.

and asked how I would react if he just stopped paying the mortgage because he was “too tired.” (For context, I cover about 45% of it

And that just further supports my initial assessment.

But I didn’t think saying no when I’m sleep-deprived and emotionally drained was unreasonable.

It wasn't.

And the fact that you said no should be sufficient all by itself, and not even just as a sign of respect. From a selfish position it should still be sufficient, since nobody with any measure of concern for their partner should be able to enjoy sex they know to be unwilling.

do most guys feel this way?

That I don't know. I can say that not all do, but especially at this point in time, more than I'd think reasonably possible do.

That's sort of immaterial though, since they're wrong, and remain wrong no matter how many other assholes agree with them.

Even if a change in circumstances is temporary, does a wife have an obligation to always meet her husband’s needs?

Categorically no.

Now that said, a wife should feel some desire to at least try to accommodate her husband, since that's the nature of partnership, and depending on ones personality, one might treat that as an "obligation." I'm not sure that that's healthy, but i see no intrinsic problem with it. But an obligation in the externalized sense - something another might reasonably demand of you rather than something you might demand of yourself? Absolutely not, under any circumstances.

What’s actually a “good” reason to say no?

I want to say any reason, but I don't think that's quite true.

I'd say any reason that's internally valid is okay, which is to say, because you're tired/emotionally drained/physically ill/just not in the mood/etc - anything that's an honest expression of your emotional/physical/psychological state and the simple degree of desire you feel.

The bad reasons to say no are things that are other-directed - things like the desire to belittle/punish/torment/manipulate/etc. ones partner.

I've been a husband for almost 20 years now. "I don't feel like it" is plenty of fucking reason for not having sex. Full stop.

You are under no obligation to provide him with your body whenever he wants it. There are plenty of ways for couples to foster intimacy that aren't sex.

What would he do if you had cancer and just couldn't because of treatment?

What would he do if you were in a parasailing accident and in a full body cast?

This behavior is gross, I get having a drive etc. But that's his problem, not yours.

Remind him he's got a hand (or he can buy a fleshlight) and the internet if he's feeling that frustrated.

A good reason to say no is when you don’t feel up to it, period. I’ve had similar issues with my partner, so I understand his frustration. However, it stemmed from repeatedly having to initiate and being turned down. So our work around was if I get turned down a couple times in a row, the expectation is that she will then initiate as soon as she’s up for it. I have a high libido too but you still have to understand that your partner may be going through stuff and not take it personal when they say no. Why burn a long term relationship because your partner is having a rough time in the short term?

Also, phrasing it as “wifely duties” just feels sorta weird to ick for me.

He told me that “marital duties” aren’t something you can just neglect based on how you feel in the moment and asked how I would react if he just stopped paying the mortgage because he was “too tired.”

Yeah just, borderline inappropriate imo.

It is always okay to say no.

If that means you and your partner are sexually incompatible, you should talk it out and consider what that means for the future of your relationship.

You are completely valid for not wanting to have sex when exhausted, just as your partner’s desire is valid.

Based solely on your side of the story, your partner saying you aren’t fulfilling your marital duties is kind of a red flag. Conservatives tend to make poor partners in general.

Anyway, some couples therapy might help if you can afford it and are at an impasse. But I’d keep an eye out for other red flags you might be subconsciously ignoring/suppressing if I were you.

The short answer to the post title is: always.

Nobody's ever entitled to sex, married or otherwise. To me, any other position is a slippery slope into coercion or domestic abuse. A relationship is based on trust if nothing else, and there are some red lines that should never be crossed.

That said, I hate binary arguments as much as the next person, and the key element to navigate the grey area is communication. I've worked shifts in the past and gotten home to a partner with the horn, and as much as I love intimacy, it was a case of "sure crack on, but you're doing all the work". That said, there's been times when I've been like "absolutely not", I'm in no position to ride a bus let alone a partner.

Whatever answer you give is the answer that should be respected. Yes, it's frustrating sometimes but life gets in the way - kids, appointments, longer-than-expected shifts, bereavements, financial pressures (including the conscious decision to work extra), or even mental or physical health in general. It doesn't affect the answer of whether it's right to say "no" or not though.

"when is it reasonable to say no to sex?"

Whenever you don't feel like it.

If he compares sex to paying the mortgage as a "marital duty", then kindly remind him that the reason you're tired is because you're working more difficult shifts to financially contribute to the "marital duties". He's welcome to pick up more slack himself, sounds like he has plenty of energy.

Nevermind how goddamn icky that phrasing feels....that is highly manipulative language that does not come from a place where your best interests are at heart.

"Martial duties?" Dude. Ewwww. You are never obligated to have sex.

Even if a change in circumstances is temporary, does a wife have an obligation to always meet her husband’s needs? What’s actually a “good” reason to say no?

I'm so sorry to barge in here and answer, because I'm not a man. However, I wanted to chime in because I was once in your position for far too long.

Sex should be a mutual thing between partners. You are not EVER """obligated""" to give it, nor do you """owe it""" to your partner. Sex is NOT a transactional thing. And if you are being told that is it, you are being lied to. Currently, it seems that it is being weaponized to force you to ignore your needs, simply to fulfill the physical lust of someone else, robbing you of much-needed recovery.

He is not entitled to you. You do not owe him. You can say "no" for ANY reason and it is absolutely valid.