Alternatively, he can use insider information to manipulate his purchasing and selling before Trump says the next stupid thing.
this post was submitted on 09 Apr 2026
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We’re invading…(throws dart) TANZANIA.
Against all odds, the dart landed on The Vatican.
Si vis pacem para bellum.
I know this with the text "mess with the pope, get the no-scope"
God moves in mysterious ways.
Pope: In the name of the father, the son, and the (sky blackens with missiles) HOLY CRAP!!!
Markets are down for people meanwhile I literally just got a text from a friend: oh man I don't know what to do, looks like I just became a millionaire overnight. Should I sell?
...my guy. Sure I'm happy for you, but you're literally stressing out to a guy who lives in a fucking garage and whos retirement plan is a shotgun in the mouth.
whos retirement plan is a shotgun in the mouth.
Look at money bags over here! Able to afford shotgun shells when they retire.
The rest of us will have to just take a nap under the neighbor's F150
An F150? You must live on the nice side of town. I just need to stomp around on my neighbor's porch for a bit before it all comes crashing down
Well now, who’s so fancy they have a neighbor with a porch?
My retirement plan is a tank of helium and clear bag. Gonna watch the ocean, and make myself laugh with funny Mickey mouse voice and drift off
There are two ways to interpret this and the funnier one is that you're going fill a bag with helium and fly off into the sunset like in the movie UP.
That's not far off to what my actual plan is, but for the sake of "humor" I wanted to keep it concise lol
I actually have an idea based on the assisted suicide pods that I'll probably do. Just need to get an airtight head covering and a pressure relief valve to keep the internal pressure low enough that it doesn't hurt and hook up a tank of nitrogen to the head covering.
Supposedly it's the buildup of CO2 that makes your body freak out, so if you can keep expelling it from your body and the relief valve lets it out of the head covering while keeping the nitrogen coming in it shouldn't be too unpleasant... Hopefully... Lol I still have like 20 years to figure it out though, not doing anything while my parents are still alive.
Sell what?
Their body, obviously.
Assuming they are an American getting drafted
The stocks that grew in value overnight making him a "millionaire"
It's not a bad question, though. There are strategies to protect your portfolio from economic downturns.
It's something the financial advisor should already be doing, though. Which might be where the frustration comes from.
It’s not a bad question, though. There are strategies to protect your portfolio from economic downturns.
It could be a bad question (from the client). If they are invested for higher growth, that comes with risk. If they're looking at the their portfolio, seeing a 3% drop in value, and then asking for change it tells me they don't have the right risk tolerance for the investments they have. This may mean either the broker didn't listen to the client when the client told them their risk tolerance, or the client lied with how much risk tolerance they had.
Or the client is reassessing their risk tolerance.
Of course he hates his clients, that's why he charges them to do worse than an index fund lmao
You could have jailed Trump when there was still the time. Just saying.
Yeah but then someone would have made less money on insider trading that quarter, can't have that here in the US.
Any investor that knows their stuff knows that this is the time to buy the dip. And they wouldn't be worried about a single dip for the month, they should have a much longer-term viewpoint.
So I guess that just means this guy's a fool with money and is just looking for the dopamine hit from each month's gains.
Nah, any investor knows they should never try to time the market and should instead invest a set and steady amount every month to smooth out the highs and lows.
Its fully possible this is not the "dip" at all and that is still coming. Dollar cost averging frees you entirely from gambling on time lines.
Hedge fund managers aren't human, they don't get to complain.