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I realized my (F30) husband’s (M30) family doesn’t like me, and I think it’s pushing me toward divorce. Has anyone been through this? (old.reddit.com)
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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-11-11 05:02:07+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Environmental_Tap838

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

I realized my (F30) husband’s (M30) family doesn’t like me, and I think it’s pushing me toward divorce. Has anyone been through this?

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, possible controlling behavior, possible invasion of privacy, gaslighting, possible bigotry

Original Post: September 20, 2025

I (f, 30s) am married to a (m,30s) who unfortunately comes from a family that doesn’t like me, or at least doesn’t seem to want me around. And I’m starting to think this has been a huge factor in me considering divorce. I’d love to hear from others who’ve gone through something similar.

Here are some examples that really affected me:

\• Inappropriate boundaries: My MIL once asked my husband if we use protection. He shared parts of our sex life as she kept asking. He told me later since I wasn’t around then. I was mortified. When I told him I felt violated, he said it’s “normal” for him to talk about this with her. That I’m too closed on that with family and friends and that they’re like that.

\• Passive-aggressive jokes: She said foreigners like me always “take things,” and that an example was me because I stole her son. My husband laughed when he told me. Again she said it when I wasn’t around.

\• Dismissive comments about my interests: She mocked my love of books, (you guessed it, when I wasn’t there) calling it an “obsession,” even though my husband knows that’s a sensitive subject for me. Instead of backing me up, he accused me of being resentful.

\• Weird emotional competition: Before our wedding, she told me flat out she’ll always love him more than I ever could and said it seriously, not as a joke. No one at the table said anything. Not even my husband.

\• Constant emotional dumping: She regularly calls crying and venting, even when he’s overwhelmed with grief after his father’s death. She never seeks therapy, and expects him to be her emotional support system.

\• Unhealthy family dynamics: His extended family uses his car without asking, damages it, and laughs it off. One aunt even drove against traffic. He says nothing, even if she was very upset. Yet if I make a small mistake, he corrects me immediately and harshly.

\• They reject my cooking: Whenever I cook at my MIL’s house, suddenly more people show up (every time) but no one eats what I cook. He says they’re just “picky,” but even the her vegetarian aunt refused to try the salad I made for her.

\• The culture: very recently I’ve noticed no man in his family (MIL’s brothers and nephews) is still married. It’s a very matriarchal family where the women form a tight circle and I’m left out. I often sit alone during gatherings while they whisper in the kitchen. Some of them don’t even refer to me by name.

\• Resentment or subtle digs: I get the feeling his mom resents me, not just for taking her son, but for being different. They’ve started making xenophobic comments lately, and I’m an immigrant… so it’s hard not to take it personally. Lately all of the extended family are shifting towards radical right discourses against people like me.

And yet my husband defends them constantly. He says there’s “no bad intention,” that his mom is “just being herself,” and I’m “too sensitive.” He minimizes my feelings and seems more concerned about their well-being and not upsetting them than how I feel.

I’m starting to feel invisible. Like I walked into a family where I’ll never be truly welcomed. And even though I love my husband, I’m wondering if this is sustainable.

Christmas is coming and I honestly don’t want to spend another one there. I’m thinking about telling him about divorce before those dates.

Has anyone else felt pushed out by their partner’s family to this extent? Did it affect your marriage long-term? Would appreciate any honest insights.

 

Editor's note: OOP has made the same original post onto another subreddit, I am adding relevant comments from the sub for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I don’t even know how you get to the point of marrying someone like this.

OOP: We were long distance, during the pandemic we visited each other but wouldn’t see often the extended family. Then we got married to be together.

Before marriage, I thought his parents were very loving to me. The only incidents I had were with his dad, and my husband would defend me. Hence me thinking it would be like that with everyone else. The only incident with my MIL before marriage was her comment about loving him more than me. I found it very weird but thought it was not a big deal compared to how nice she was.

After my FIL’s death the situations I’ve mentioned dramatically increased. I’ve been vocal about how disrespected I feel but he keeps being on her side and all the women in the family.

Has OOP considered about counseling / therapy for both herself and her husband?

OOP: I’ve mentioned individual and couples therapy, especially since his dad’s passing. He refuses both. Individual, he says he already knows what he needs to work on. Couples he says if we go then it’s a sign the relationship is over.

Commenter 3: Wait, they go to the kitchen and you don't?

Like, you're left as the only woman sitting by yourself? Do they not invite you, or do they explicitly tell you to stay put?

Either way that's fucked up. I hope you don't have any kids with this guy.

Step one, never visit them again. Tell your husband you don't want them at your house. He can go and see his mom, but not with you, your relationship with them is over.

If he tries to gaslight you again, or try the "that's my mom, she will always be in my life".

Ok, it's divorce talk.

OOP: They never invite me to the kitchen, I’ve tried going by myself and I’m met with that awkward silence as if I interrupted something. I know sometimes people want to chat private stuff, but when it’s in all the family reunions and we just interact while eating, then I feel it’s a bit more than that.

In a reunion, my mother overhead one of the aunts seeing our wedding photos and calling me chubby. I told my husband and he got upset saying her aunt would never say that and my mom probably understood wrongly because we don’t speak their language. Our languages are very similar, so she definitely heard correctly. Since it’s the same word for chubby.

Commenter 4: Never mind divorce - I’m wondering why you married him at all. Did you really think that anything would change - that his family would suddenly start being nice to you after you got married, or he would magically start defending you when he hadn’t before?

OOP: The only incident with my MIL before marriage was the comment of her mom telling me she’ll always love him more. I thought it very weird but thought about the rest of her treatment to me which was very nice. After her husbands death, this has spiraled to this constant comments. I empathize with losing her husband butI live being treated like this.

Commenter 5: Here’s the thing. It’s not the family that’s causing the divorce. It’s your husband. He’s allowing this to go on and not standing up for you. Plenty of marriages work out when in-laws don’t like a spouse, but it’s up to your husband. He needs to grow up. The family you create has to be more important than your family of origin. If he doesn’t love you enough to prioritize you and your feelings then it’s best to cut bait and run. He’ll never be able to have a healthy relationship as long as he lets his family act this way without any consequences. There’s someone out there who will put you first, sounds like it’s not him. I’m so sorry.

OOP: I’ve spoken about how I feel about this. He says of course he’s on my side because he chose to come to the other side of the world for me. I recognize and value that, but whenever we visit his family, and we try to go for months (because we’re lucky to do remote work) this happens often. It saddens me to hear my MIL starts speaking about me like this, it didn’t happen before our marriage or I wouldn’t have married him. I feel very alone and he doesn’t see how it’s wrong. I feel I shouldn’t even say it, he should defend me whenever hearing these things.

Commenter 6: OP: Give yourself the GIFT of leaving this marriage behind!

Your in-laws are toxic people. Your husband is too emotionally immature to see it; he WON'T change. You've put up with enough of their toxic behavior.

Honestly, make an appointment THIS WEEK to see a divorce lawyer! The relief of splitting up from this situation will be wonderful. Block ALL of his friends/relatives on EVERY social media site, and on emails, and your phone.

When your husband receives his divorce papers, tell him he is ONLY allowed to contact you via your lawyer, you'll accept no phone calls or emails from him or his family. Then BLOCK HIM.

Move out and move on with your life NOW so you can start healing, avoid the holidays with these awful people, and begin your journey to a better healthier life. In the near future, find a therapist (hopefully, from YOUR culture) who can help you learn to establish/mai...

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ou0rle/i_realized_my_f30_husbands_m30_family_doesnt_like/

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[–] Spacehooks@reddthat.com 0 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Move out and move on with your life NOW so you can start healing, avoid the holidays with these awful people, and begin your journey to a better healthier life. In the near future, find a therapist (hopefully, from YOUR culture) who can help you learn to establish/maintain healthy boundaries for all future relationships.

HAPPY & PEACEFUL 2026 to you as a SINGLE woman!

OOP: His friends are also another situation. While there’s very lovely people around him, I’ve had issues with one of his female friends literally texting him “Now that I’m single you won’t make any advances towards me?” When she clearly has known me for years.

And a male friend of his makes sexual comments about him every now and then. One dinner he was over the top, even another of his friends told him to stop. Not my husband. I talked to him about it and he said “his mind works differently than ours, he doesn’t mean to hurt he just is bad at human interactions”. Now that I read myself I wonder what took me so long to think about leaving. Thank you for your wishes.

Has OOP's husband put a boundary with his mother?

OOP: The only time I ever saw him put a boundary to his mom was when she went to kiss his neck. There he did stop her and ask not to do it again because it was not a thing he’d associate with her and she got offended. I don’t know if he doesn’t want to place any boundaries ever since his dad passed. Still, I’ve spoken about it and I doubt it will change. There’s always justifications.

Commenter 7: Your MIL is disgusting, but your husband is worse. Divorce him because of his actions and inactions. MIL’s are almost always just like her. If their son’s don’t shut them down, they, sons, are the primary problem.

My MIL once asked the sex questions while talking to my DH on speaker phone. He told her to mind her business and don’t ask about his personal life in that manner. She kept pushing and then he told her if really wanted answers he would let me respond since I was listening to all of her questions on speaker phone! She embarrassingly hung up. She later accused him of setting her up for me to dislike her. He asked her if he was the one who planted those questions in her head???

OOP: I would’ve loved for that to happen here. But he insists it’s normal. I told him the issue is he’s not just speaking about him, it’s our sex life, both of us. And I was never asked if I wanted to share that. He knows I’m very private and still didn’t care for it. He said it was just because she wanted to help because they were discussing if we would have babies. Again he knows that’s a sensitive issue because it’s very likely we have fertility issues. And we had agreed the only answer to people asking would be “We are open to it, but if it doesn’t happen we are also fine”. I think that’s enough explanation yet she went further to ask wether we used protection or not or what were we doing. I felt violated.

OOP on if her husband had past childhood trauma that led to his behaviors in the family

OOP: I do believe his childhood was hard. He keeps mentioning how as a first born son, grandkid etc, people always expected excellence from him. Very high standards. Sometimes unachievable. His parents knew what they wanted for his life. And it did not end up looking like that. He wanted to study something but his parents “suggested” to study something else because that way they wouldn’t pay rent, he could live in his city and it would be better like that. He agreed. There’s so many things I connect now that I never did.

OOP on an incident with her husband from her side of the family

OOP: You know what’s sad? We had an incident where he really disliked my cousin’s boyfriend because he said he was secretly interested in me. Once at a party my cousin’s partner wanted us to join the dancing circle and grabbed me, causing my husband to run away fuming. We had to leave the wedding and I did speak with the guy asking to respect me, my body and my relationship. I did it immediately. And it hurts he doesn’t do the same. Yet he did say if I hadn’t done it, he would’ve divorced me.

OOP on her MIL's wants for her husband to be married to someone from his country

OOP: That’s how I feel. That my MIL wants someone from his own country, that he’s always reachable physically and time zone wise. Many times his mom’s worries transpire to him and he gets cranky and starts talking badly about my country, the people here, his job. Whenever he’s tried to look for better jobs in his country, he only finds jobs below what he earns here. Lately he is very money focused, not for us, to help his mom. That’s why he’s leaving there in a few weeks. It will give me space to think what to do.

[–] Spacehooks@reddthat.com 0 points 6 months ago

Update: November 4, 2025 (1.5 months later)

UPDATE I realized my (30F) husband’s (30M) family doesn’t like me, and I think it’s pushing us toward divorce.

When I last posted, my husband was about to leave for his country for six months (his mothers house specifically) “to heal.” I thought distance might help us both deal with this better, and that I would wait to see him in person to address our divorce, but what happened before and after his trip made everything painfully clear.

One afternoon, before he left, my parents asked if we wanted to go out for lunch. He had just taken a shower, and when I asked if he wanted us to join them, he got angry: “See? I knew this would happen.” He insisted that if he showered, then he wouldn’t get out of the house. He has many “rules” like that. He said it was very rude of me to ask because it meant I wanted to go, and then he had to go. It escalated into an argument about how I was “cold” and “selfish.” I tried not to fuel any argument and that was also a problem. He called me totally apathetic and that I didn’t care anymore.

Then he made a comment that scared me, something about not seeing the point of living anymore. It wasn’t direct, but it left me shaken. And upset because I’ve suggested therapy many times and he refused it. The next morning he ignored my texts and the door when I knocked in the bathroom. When I opened it, he laughed and said, “You probably thought something happened after what I said yesterday.” And he laughed.

That’s when something in me broke. My worry, my care, had become another tool for control. Did he love me? Or he was mistaking love with control?

We had another talk about his family before his flight. I told him I felt uncomfortable when they crossed lines and that I needed him to stand up for me. His answer was:

“Of course I’ll back you up! we’ll just discuss it privately after it happens.”

That’s when I confirmed one last time he wasn’t planning to defend me at all, just to avoid upsetting them.

When he left, he refused to let me drive him to the airport “because it would make things harder.” I stayed home, realizing the real goodbye had already happened days before.

After arriving, he said his mom saw him at the airport looking tired and joked, “From your wife?” He told me that story like it was funny. It wasn’t. But it summed up our marriage.

During his first week in his country, we barely spoke. Then, out of nowhere, his mother (who hadn’t texted me in years unless it was something about her son) messaged me. She wrote that she “hoped I was doing well,” that they were all “trying to move forward despite how bad things were,” and that she “enjoyed having me there with her son.”

It caught me off guard. I knew she meant it to sound kind, but it felt performative, like she was trying to keep me emotionally connected to him through her. Or like a message saying “we’re already going through a lot so you better not make it worse” I didn’t reply. It was the first time I realized how blurred the boundaries in that family really were.

That night he complained about me being cold and rude. I said I asked to speak to him that week but he said he was busy, so we could speak the next day since it was the weekend. He said no, it had to be now. I asked for him to respect me wanting to speak the next day. Then he flooded me with texts and calls. Saying I respect your boundaries, followed by “I need you now. Pick up. I’d never do this to you. I won’t sleep.”

The next day, when I asked for a divorce, it was a tough call. He was refusing, saying he’d change. I asked him to respect my decision and the call ended abruptly. Then he sent me a long, emotional letter full of guilt and self-pity saying I’d “treated him like trash,” that I’d “controlled everything,” and that I hadn’t given him a chance to change. That he went to his country to change and be better and I disposed of him.

The next day, he said he understood and respected my decision but that he wanted therapy, to change, to rebuild things. He said he’d set boundaries with his family, be positive, support me. I wanted to believe him. For two days, I did.

Then he told me his brother-in-law had said, “Oh, so now we don’t have to hate her anymore,” after hearing we might try again. And, of course, he justified it as “just a joke.” Despite me telling him that was not a funny thing to say and that again, he justified it. During our talks he also told me he was upset because I never replied to his mom’s message. I never told him about that message so I guess it was absolutely performative on her behalf.

The following day he started blaming my parents now. Saying that for our marriage to work, I should stop working seeing them that much, stop going to their city (we don’t really go that often unless I have to go to work), and that we should “balance” family events evenly between his and mine. His family lives on another continent. When I mentioned then we should start making friends in the city we live in, he said it wasn’t necessary because we had each other. That’s when I realized: he didn’t want balance, he wanted control. And with these rules I’d be even more isolated.

So I asked for space, not to play games, but to stop the cycle of “we divorce / we reconcile / we fight again.” We were supposed to text every morning just to let the other know we were well. One day he stopped texting even if I did, so I gave him space too.

Yesterday was our anniversary. He said nothing. No good morning, no message. I didn’t reach out either. I wanted to respect the silence we both seemed to need. And to be fair, I didn’t see anything to celebrate.

Then today, he sent a long message full of guilt, apologies, and emotional weight… and immediately after, he blocked me.

And somehow, that silence feels like closure already.

Because I finally understand that love isn’t enough when the relationship requires you to shrink just to keep the peace. It was not just his family. I’ve discovered through therapy, chats with friends and self reflecting that there were a lot of other things going on here.

Btw someone told me after I broke the news that they always felt something weird going on. A day before our wedding, this friend saw my MIL crying and she asked if all was good, my MIL said “Its just that my son is in love” and when this friend looked where MIL was looking, she was watching us kiss. I felt very disgusted about this. I also discovered it was his mom that picked my engagement ring!

Anyway I may not ever recover my books and things since he blocked me, but luckily I have a list of all of them and hopefully little by little I can recover them. It’s better than what would’ve happened if I went there.

On December I’ll go with one of my best friends on the trip I had planned! I’m very excited for that! It’s not the amicable ending I wanted but I for sure have peace and time to know myself again. Thanks for your kind advice and words everyone!