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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Throwawaytriangle01

Me [21 F] with my ex [23M] 4 years ago broke up, he feels I cheated on him with my current boyfriend

TRIGGER WARNING: sexual assault, Abusive behavior, controlling behavior, stalking, alcoholism, threats of kidnapping, murder and torture

MOOD SPOILER: Terrifying

Original Post Nov 8, 2015

Background: Okay so when I was in high school I was friends with this guy named... Alex. We met through mutual group of friends. At first I thought he hated me my freshman year (when we first met we were hanging out with everyone, he said something mean to me but he meant it as a joke, I took him serious), but turned out he didn't. Became very close friends after that.

While I dated a bit in high school, I was his first (and only) girlfriend during his high school career. Things were great when we were in that "dating but not together" phase because he actually hung out with me and we went on dates. Once we were ACTUALLY together, he would bail on our plans. I mean like we made plans all week to a movie we were both excited for, I bought early tickets for us because it was one of those "it's gonna sell out" ones, he cancelled last minute because his friends called him and asked if he wanted to go bowling with him. I took my best friend instead (since she loved that series too). That kept happening. Then there were little comments about my body, and explosions of anger (not physical) that were just really not healthy for me to experience from him.

I was brutally attacked in many senses of the word when I was walking home from school. He knew about that, and understood originally that I was uncomfortable with sex - also being underage (thereby unable to handle a pregnancy should it happen) I was uncomfortable with it because of that too. I could hold hands with him, and kiss him. But sometimes he got too handsy and it gave me flashbacks. I would often talk to friends seeking advice because he kept wanting to have sex and I was unable to do that at all especially after my attack. They kept telling me he understands and he would be okay never having sex, because he loves me (ah high school and the "we'll get married and grow old together" phase). Didn't believe them. Felt broken like I was damaged.

Never felt like he understood because he KEPT asking for it, even after I was crying and telling him I can't and please just drop it and I will let him know if/when I am ready. He eventually does, but then never hangs out with me / goes on dates with me for the rest of our relationship. It's just midnight 1am phone calls of "Just got done hanging out with people. I could come over now" (ON A SCHOOL NIGHT? My christian parents would fucking kill me....and that is not a joke. I mean that in all seriousness)

The breakup: SO CHRISTMAS. Parents are starting to not like him, because they've been seeing basically how he treats me, and my sister told them about the late night phone attempts of him trying to get me to come over / let him come over. Also, a concerned friend told him about him pressuring me and that concerned my mother, fearing I'm being abused (probably was). But hey, they invite him to Christmas anyways because I was still dating him. Our parties tend to go long. It starts after church so around 8pm Christmas Eve and ends usually sometime after midnight and one am. He shows up at midnight. Most of the party has wound down, all the gifts are opened. some people left. But there was an attempt made.

To put it short: he made fun of my gift to him until I was in tears, hit on my sister in front of her husband while telling him he "hopes me and him are just like them one day". Its a giant disaster. I'm crying, my sister is comforting me, my mom is fucking stunned he had the audacity to do this, my dad practically throws him out while my brother restrains my brother-in-law from attacking him. Family basically tells him its over between us and to never contact me again because like WOW WHAT THE FUCK? He doesn't listen because I didn't say it to him so he won't believe till I do. I do. He accepts it.

Given we have the same group of friends, we run into each other now and then. I don't really talk to him but eh we cross paths. And from those times, and the times friends brought him up, he has dated solely women who have the same name as me. Which is a tad creepy in my mind (also my name isn't that common so it's not really much of a coincidence in my mind, but maybe it is). One of which looked like me because i met her before they dated and we joked that we were clones.

Eight months after our breakup, I meet this guy, Jacob, who is pretty fucking sweet at the college I started to go to. I mean like there was blizzard and I having a panic attack, and he still drove over to talk to me and help me (although bro WTF? its a BLIZZARD that was DANGEROUS) He buys flowers at random, we go out all the time - but usually its to go for a run through the forest, a walk through a local park, swimming, or bowling. Listens to me. I explained fairly early on about my attack and how I have issues about it so he was going to pressure me for sex, he might as well leave now. He told me I could call the shots in the relationship, decide how slow or fast we go, and I can put a stop to anything when I feel its too much. True to his word too. There have been times when it is too much and I tell him that, no matter how heated it had gotten, he just nods, and gets up and makes me a cup of tea and helps me calm down. He is CONSTANTLY there for me and respects me and I don't know, I just in general feel loved by him that I did not feel from Alex for a long time.

Now: I feel 100% safe with him. I trust him. I love him. He is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. We've been together since. I felt comfortable enough that I eventually felt I was ready to have sex, so we did this past month. It was amazing, nothing like before. It was just... perfect and even if we were to break up in the future, I will always cherish and love him for being so sweet and helping me replace terrible memories with good ones.

So then a friend tells me that Alex HATES me now. I'm puzzled because what? What have I done to make him hate me? Especially since therapy and Jacob have both taught that Alex was pretty fucking shitty and if anyone were to hate anyone, it should be the reverse. I asked them and they have no idea why just that he was telling everyone on his facebook what a bitch i was (i blocked him a long time ago so i can't see that).

Another friends tells me, its because, he says I cheated on him, with my current boyfriend. I'm puzzled because how? I didn't meet Jacob till 8 months after Alex and I broke up? I find out that he knows Jacob and I had sex, and he feels betrayed because I refused to sleep with him and that I clearly cheated on him (we've been broke up for 3 years???).

Now i'm confused as to how the fuck he knows I slept with Jacob, because I told VERY few (I mean like 2) people about it and that just because they're my best friends and I was so damned surprised that it could be this great - as opposed to the horrific experience I had before- that I was like "IS THIS HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO BE?" "IS THIS HOW YOU FEEL?" and they just laughed it off. I ask both of them if they told him and why. Both mention he actually approached them - and others - asking if I told them anything about me sleeping with Jacob and that he wanted truth or he'd never talk to them again. And they responded truthfully that it was none of his damn business, and while they might be friends, he has no right to issue them that kind of ultimatum.

Eventually, I find out that how he knows... I have PTSD blog where I talk about my experience and whatnot. Honestly, my name is not attached to it all, no images either. Not sure how he knew it was me but he apparently has been stalking that blog reading everything I wrote and found out from there because I mentioned my two experiences with sex and how vastly different they are and like damn there is hope out there after all that I am not damaged and broken.

I don't know if I'm necessarily looking for advice. I mean I don't know what to do about the ex, do I just ignore him, do I delete my PTSD blog, do I confront him or anything? Do the police need to be involved since he's stalking me on the internet? But I mostly wrote this because I think its absurd that I broke up with someone 3 years ago and they think that I cheated because I am with someone else. So I was just having a "WTF?" moment and decided perhaps you might share in this absurd moment.

tl;dr: Ex was a high school friend. Started dating, he turned into a dick, made me cry on Christmas. Broke up 4 years ago. Met someone else. Life is bliss. Finally slept with boyfriend. Ex found out via stalking me online, thinks I'm a cheater for it.

Update 1 Nov 20, 2015

So quite a bit has happened actually.

• I've had two sessions with my therapist, we talked a lot about this problem, my feelings about it, why I care, etc. Made lots of headway. Been doing a lot of positive affirmations to counter the internalizing what people say.
• And then we addressed the privacy issue, a...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-11-12 05:04:22+00:00.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MajorPerception3519

Originally posted to r/AITAH

WIBTA if I ask my employee if she’s pregnant?

Trigger Warnings: mentions miscarriage

Mood Spoilers: ultimately happy

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Original Post: May 3, 2025

I own a small cafe, and only have one employee. She was recommended by a frequent customer (her husband) when I posted the listing. I interviewed multiple people, and she was not only the nicest one but genuinely the best candidate.

She'd been a stay at home mom for 11 years for three kids and said that she felt it was more important for her to be there with them than working, and I cant and don't fault her for that at all.

She shows up, she works, she does everything and more that I need her to do. I have zero complaints about her as an employee.

However over the last four months I've noticed some changes. Number 1, she is TINY. And when I say tiny, I mean that. This girl probably weighs 100 lbs soaking wet. And she's never worn tight fitting shirts. But her shirts are starting to fit tighter ONLY in the stomach area. And it doesn't take staring to notice.

Number two, she used to only take her food to go at the end of the day. Now she'll ask me to cook it earlier (not an issue, she can ask whenever she wants) but she eats at least half of it immediately. She's never done that before, even if she got it before she left.

Number three, her husband has come in a few times and also her father and asked her things along the lines of how she's feeling, and I've overheard her talking about a doctors appointment multiple times.

Now we live in a right to fire state, so after talking to my wife I get why she might be worried to tell me in the case I might do so. But I don't want to, and I won't. But I'll admit I'd be a liar if I said I wasn’t a bit worried she'll have the baby and not come back to work when she's the only one there to help me out.

So, would I be an asshole/ way out of line for asking her if she's having a baby?

Editor's note: OOP has made the same original post onto another subreddit, I am adding relevant comments from the sub for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: what part of "never ask a woman if she's pregnant" didn't click for you

OOP: Well, I understand that. But if she is and is eventually going to need time off after the baby is born that’s something I need to know ahead of time rather than after the fact when she’s the only other one there besides me. I do need to make arrangements for her absence for however long she needs.

Commenter 2: YWBTA. She’ll explain what’s going on when she needs to. If she’s still doing everything in her job, it isn’t your business as her employer. There’s a lot that could go wrong if you ask her, and not much that can go wrong if you just wait until it become unavoidably obvious.

She may be pregnant but prone to miscarriage, which depending on where you live is ranges from a horrendously awful health experience to all of that plus legal troubles.

OOP: I didn’t think of this aspect of it, because if you see her and know how she looks it’s already obvious. I have no idea if she is prone to miscarriages or not. I just know she’s got three kids she talks about all the time, but we do live in one of those states. Thanks for that perspective I hadn’t thought of.

Commenter 3: lol what is this “right to fire someone for being pregnant” state? Assuming this is in the US by the use of the word “state,” have you not heard of the federal Pregnancy Discrimination Act? Yes there are certain requirements and it can’t cause undue hardship etc, but generally speaking in the US you can’t fire women for being pregnant or having pregnancy-related disability.

So yes, YWBITA and possibly violating federal law in the US, if you live/work there. See the EEOC website

OOP: It means I can just tell her not to show back up and not give her a reason. Or make one up. If I tell her I’m firing her because she’s pregnant, she can sue. If I just tell her she’s fired period, she can’t. Because I didn’t give her a reason. I have no desire to do that, though.

Edited: it’s not right to fire for being pregnant. It’s right to fire for anything. Anytime.

Commenter 4: I hope she or someone she knows has Reddit as well because you gave all the proof needed that it was because you "worried she wouldn't return anyway" and guess what, you can delete the post but if people have links, they can return to them and it saves the ORIGINAL copy in the comments. You better pray you either wise up and wait or if you end up doing the morally wrong thing, that she nor anyone close to her doesn't follow the aita subreddit, or if they do they can never figure out its about the cafe she works at. You better not fire her simply because you don't know if she'll return, because if you do, I'm hoping and praying someone she knows has reddit follows this subreddit and they get proof you fired because of her being pregnant. Here's an idea, hire other people as well, but again DON'T fire her!

OOP: I said I didn’t want to and wouldn’t fire her. Because I don’t want to. If she is, I want her back when she’s had the baby. Because she goes above and beyond 24/7 when she’s there. Me stating the laws of our state are just what they are and my wife saying that might be why she’s worried and me being worried she might change her mind about working when I’ve come to rely on her and it’s ONLY the two of us there every day. Her job is NOT in jeopardy either way.

Commenter 5: YWNBTA -- are you going to fire her if she's pregnant? Aske her gently and then congratulate her. Reddit is ridiculous sometimes. Look at all of the other comments. You gauge whether you are close enough to her and whether she trusts you enough. At a certain point it is going to feel like you're pretending not to see the obvious.

OOP: Absolutely not. Her job is safe 100%.

But I know after she has the baby she will obviously need some time off. And since she is the only employee besides me, I’ll need to plan ahead for that 6 to whatever amount of weeks off.

And like I said, I am wondering if she’ll decide to stay home again with this one. And that’s fine, I don’t hold it against her. The way she talks about her three she already has and the time she was there with them all the time I can see how proud and happy she was to be able to do that. So I wouldn’t be surprised or upset or whatever else if she decided to do the same with this potential new one.

I’d just like to know in advance what I’m looking at going forward if I need to hire someone new by x date.

Commenter 6: YTA. Right to fire equals right to quit. Did she sign a contract? Are you offering her benefits? Health insurance? Retirement? You fully admit that you could fire her for being pregnant if you wanted to but somehow you're the victim because she might quit and you'd have to -gasp- find another employee. It's a job at a cafe. It's none of your business if she's pregnant and she doesn't owe you anything.

OOP: I do not mean to imply I’m a victim at all, don’t hear what I’m not saying. I’m concerned that not only she could be worried about it when it won’t happen, but also that if she decides not to come bank. My wife is the one who pointed out that she could be worried for that reason. And we are a small business. It is only the employee and I every day, so with it being only us, there are no benefits.

However, any time she needs to be off, she gets off and I can usually find a family member who can help out for the day. But that’s harder to do when it’s all the time, which is my only worry. I will not fire her. She can work until she has the baby if she is having one, and if she decides to stay home with that one as well, then that’s fine and up to her and her husband. But if I need to hire new help by a certain point, I would also like to know that, too. Because at this point even the people that were helping out before can’t help out like she does. So I’d like to have the time to train someone. It’s just the two of us, so that would be helpful.

Commenter 7: Yes, YTA for sure 1) she has every right to privacy and you have no right to ask. If she’s choosing not to share (assuming there is anything to share in the first place) there may be a good reason for it, medical or otherwise or maybe she just doesn’t feel it’s a necessary conversation to have with her employer because she is not required to do so. 2) I’m not going to assume anything about state employment laws where you are, but even if you follow them and can legally terminate her because you ‘think she might’ be pregnant…. YTA. Also you run a cafe, not a surgical team. Hire someone part time so you feel more comfortable. Sheesh

OOP: I do not intend to fire her at all. I just need to make arrangements for whatever amount of time she needs off, if she’d like to come back. We haven’t been open even a year. And our space is limited. 3+ employees will be trampling on each other in...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-11-12 05:02:16+00:00.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Puzzleheaded_Can9332

Desperately needing advice, husband told me he wants to try poly relationship after already having a girlfriend.

Originally posted to r/polyamory & r/nonmonogamy

BoRU 1

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity, gaslighting

Original Post March 10, 2025

New to reddit and just created this to get some advice. I hope I am in the right community. Ok, so my husband (43M) and I (43F) have been married for 23 years.

We have never dated or even kissed anyone else. Our story is long with ups and downs. I will try and make this short. But feel free to ask any Q as there’s a lot of back story. Ok, so as we have gotten older we have become more open minded. For me in particular just learning and breaking free of what society and relige@n have boxed as acceptable relationships.

My husband has always felt like something was missing in his heart and mind, our whole marriage. There have been about 5 times in our relationship where he has met someone that helps a little bit of this hole. But as we were both clearly monogamous, I was very upset to the point of not being able to function, and we would take a break.

And in the end we would always come back together. Nothing physical was ever done, but the emotional che@ting was heartbreaking for me. I now have more of an open mind however. He said after doing some research and soul searching that he feels like he needs more than one woman to be in a relationship with.

But not in general, specifically a woman from 5 years ago who he had one of the connections with. She had cut it off because she wanted a physical relationship with him but he couldn’t cross that line and because she was so upset her husband found out and they cut ties.

But now he wants to date her, and stay married to me, he said eventually he wants us both to be in equal types of relationship with him. And ok, I can think about this and see if its something I would be comfortable with. The problem, is things started back up with them seriously about 4 months ago, about a month ago they started making out and kissing, and he just told me about this TODAY.

He wasn’t even going to mention the kissing I had to ask him specifically. He said that he plans on having a full relationship with her, s&x and all.

His want is to be with me like we have been and have her as a girlfriend too. I am not sure how I feel about that, Poly is already something I had been pondering for myself so I am wondering if maybe I had someone else as well, we could keep what we have and both be happier for it.

So I am thinking on it. But it’s really hard for me not to feel hurt over him already having someone, dating someone, and them making out cuddling and kissing. All doing that without talking to me first. I am so furious, and also sad.

To make matters worse, a year ago I fell really ill and have been on disability ever since. So I am having a really hard time trying to figure out what I want while trying to disgregard if we aren’t together anymore, how would I live and sUrvive.

He told me that he 100% will not stop seeing her and moving forward, but that he does want things to stay the same with us and I can decide if that is what I want and to let him know. Am I putting too much importance on The kiss and overreacting on what he’s done already? I also asked him would this be where we are all together, like knowing each other and around each other.

But he said he doesn’t see that working, that he wants his relationship with her totally separate and us not having anything to do with each other, knowing each of us he doesn’t think it would work well. I need advice please.

I dont really have anyone to talk to. And I know poly needs a lot of honesty and openness, but I can’t help but feel like he’s already broken that. IDK. Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thanks!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

minisparrow

I’m so sorry. This is heartbreaking, and as others have mentioned, it is CHEATING. It is painful, it is scary, it is infuriating… All your feelings, they are completely valid. It might be additionally disorienting because you haven’t been with anyone else, I imagine, plus the disability.

What does this whole thing also say about the woman who is with him? She either doesn’t know the full context of your story with your husband, or she does not care. Either way, staying with him would keep you in a vulnerable and unfair position, and the lying will not stop there.

You don’t need to face this alone. Please reach for additional support and do not, for a moment, feel that you are the “bad guy” here. Your husband messed up big time.

OOP

Yeah I have never been with another person,  haven't even kissed or held hands with anyone else. I do feel alone. This last year with my health and losing all the plans I've had for my life, I've been dealing with depression on and off. And when I'm depressed I curl up inside myself and draw away from my loved ones. So I'm feeling like I have no one to turn to for support. Hence coming to the internet. Lol. I'm hopeful I can be brave enough to reach out to a loved one soon. 

~

catmouse3

unfortunately poly is based on communication and being on the same page etc and him doing all that behind ur back and only telling u bc u said something first shows he would’ve went further and not told u, he cheated on u honey im sorry but its only “poly” if u know about it

OOP

I told him this,  that it's based on trust and communication. And he broke my trust and idk if I can get over it or not. Because I am curious if poly is something that I would like or not. I'm trying to be understanding of his needs and what would make him happy. He said he was for sure going to tell me within a few months,  waiting for the right time. But he came home wearing a bracelet that our son saw and asked him where it was from and my spouse wouldn't answer so I got suspicious. And the fact that he has still been with me in EVERY way and was going to not say anything to me for so long is very hurtful. He was going to keep seeing her and making out with her without telling me. He only told me now because of the bracelet thing. 

Update March 29, 2025

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1j7vxk3/desperately_needing_advice_husband_told_me_he/

That is the link to the original post, I hope I did it right, this is my first update.

So, I have learned a lot about how he feels about and with this other woman. And I have done some soul searching.

This is what I ended up doing. He claimed he wanted us both, separate but equal partners. And I sat with that for a bit.

Then after some talks I realized I only had one every important Q. If he had to chose now, who would it be?

I gave him an example. I she came to him and said it was too hard on her to continue the open relationship and that she couldn't do it anymore.

What would you do? Who would you stay with? And he wouldn't say the words but he had the look on his face that said he would pick her.

I told him that isn't a balanced relationship. That it isn't poly. That she holds all the power.

That he will do whatever it is she wants because he HAS to be with her so he will do anything she wants, including leaving me.

So then I told him it wasnt fair to me. That his proposal would put me at the very bottom of importance, below both of them.

I told him that's not fair to me. That I don't deserve to be someone's 2nd, someone's back burner.

And so I told him I couldn't stay with him. I packed a suit case and stayed the night with my sister down the road.

We met a couple times after that to go over logistics. I set a reasonable timeline for him to get stuff out of the house.

I set the boundaries that I didn't want to see him and I didn't want any communication unless it was logistics like bills or rides for the kids.

I haven't seen him since. It's been a very roller coaster time for me. We were together for 25 years.

I found ONE person that he actually told the woman's name to. My ex never told me or anyone he thought might tell me.

So his brother told me, I found her on IG and FB 2 days ago. Man that was really hard to see who my spouse was dating.

Seeing her adult daughter do a post that talks about how good a person she is. And I wanted SO bad to say that her mom is the type of person who dates married men.

I'm not going to. But I really, really want to message the girlfriend. Thinking I might spend some time crafting it over the next week and send it.

I have quite the journey ahead of me. To all those who saw through his BS and called it what it was, CHEATING, and who

Encouraged me to leave him, and who were upset on my behalf, THANK YOU!!!!

It was really eye opening to have such a unanimous response to my post and helped give me the courage I needed.

If anyone has any Q, feel free to ask.

I just hope someday I can find someone who treats me as an equal, a partner, who would chose me over othe...

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This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-11-12 05:00:49+00:00.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/xasasacha

Originally posted to r/raisedbynarcissists

My mother has booked a flight after finding my house on Google Maps

Editor's note: NMother = narcissist mother

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse, manipulation, invasion of privacy, stalking

Mood Spoilers: sad, scary

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Editor's note: OOP made many (now deleted) posts regarding her narcissist mother, just sharing her experiences growing up, and venting. The posts below explains more about the background between OOP and her mother.

 

Those of you who are NC, are you still in contact with your grandparents?: April 9, 2024

I am about to go NC with my NMom and my stepdad, who is an enabler, even after their divorce and who has recently started mistreating me as well.

My mother‘s mother, while sometimes problematic, was an amazing grandma who treated me with love and warmth overall. However, she never wanted to hear it when I talked about the abuse my mom put me through, since "you’re not supposed to talk ill about your mother“. She generally likes to ignore issues because she values family so much and probably, honestly, doesn’t know it any better.

While I’d liked to stay in contact with my grandmother, she has a history of getting extremely upset and angry whenever someone doesn’t adhere to her standards or values. That includes anything to do with marriage, kids (she gets extremely upset over me mentioning not wanting kids) and family in general. I have no doubts that she will take on her role as a flying monkey as she has always done and that any time I’d talk to her, she’d criticize me, my lifestyle and my decision to go NC or beg me to try and work it out. I also wouldn’t put it past her to try and invite my mother along whenever I’d visit her.

However, thinking about cutting her off along with my parents feels cruel since she was kind and loving toward me most of the time and took good care of me.

I’d like to hear about y’all’s experiences with grandparents after going NC? Have you gone NC with your whole family, including grandparents? Or do you still talk to them? If yes, what was that like and did they try to make you apologize or talk to your nparent?

 

Did your NParent ever threaten physical violence?: August 17, 2024 (four months later from the first post)

While my NMom was severely emotionally abusive, I was not physically abused. I feel like she wanted to hit me sometimes but never did because that would have been a definitive (physical) proof that she is a bad mother. The emotional abuse could much more easily be framed as something I “deserved” or “misunderstood” and was much easier to deny it ever happened. So the most I remember is getting a slap to the face once and her whipping me with a dish towel.

However, there has been one instance that I vividly remember because she completely lost it. That was the first time I remember seeing the animalistic expression that I’ve seen so many people on this sub talk about; the shark eyes/predator eyes, where their eyes go dark and you feel like all humanity has left their face and they just look like a wild animal. When this happened, she was holding a frying pan that she had been washing in the sink. She just looked at me with such hate and said “I’m gonna bash in your skull if you don’t shut up”.

That was the most insane and terrifying situation I have ever been in. I don’t even remember what this argument was about exactly, I just know that I talked back to her. Usually I’d just sit silently and let her just scream at me while dissociating because any sort of reaction, whether it be saying something or crying or facial expressions, would drive her nuts. To this day I wonder what would’ve happened if I had talked back more, angered her further. Whether the threats of physical violence would’ve actually become real assault.

Do any of you have experience with threats of physical violence, even when your parent didn’t actually ever physically abuse you?

 

My NMother wants to “show up” at my doorstep. I live across the world.: July 28, 2025 (almost one year since the previous post)

I have talked to my stepfather and he told me that he met my NMother who asked him about me. When he said he doesn’t know anything (he promised me he wouldn’t talk to her about me), she dropped that she plans to fly over to [country I moved to a year ago] and just show up on my doorstep.

Mind you, I went no contact before moving and was always afraid of her just showing up while I was still in the country. She does not know my current address. She knows nothing besides some pictures my grandmother probably sent her and the workplace of my husband. But now I’m scared she’ll just show up there and find him or something. Or that someone gives her our address if she tells them a good enough lie.

Jesus Christ. I had a bad day and it just got worse. When will this be over.

 

Original Post: October 11, 2025 (2.5 months later)

My NMother has found my new address through pictures she got from other family that I stupidly had shared a year ago. She used Google street view to locate the buildings and found the exact address. I heard from my stepfather (they are divorced and she doesn’t know we still speak) that she has booked a flight for October and will try and find me.

She also located my husband‘s workplace because he is listed on their website and wants to show up there, too.

I am shaking. I don’t know what to do. I will call the police if I can’t find a way to prevent this but it’s going to be really hard to communicate because we don’t speak the language well enough yet and the police is generally not very helpful when it comes to stalking. I don’t know whether to contact her and tell her to f*** off or whether to try and convince the family members that are in contact with her that I am back in my home country for the time being. I don’t know what to do at all.

If anyone has dealt with this and has any advice, please help me.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: yes report it immediately - get a restraining order if you can to stop it

OOP: I want to I’m just confused how to do it between countries. I live on a different continent and in a different country. I don’t think restraining orders are effective across countries, or maybe I’m wrong.

Commenter 2: Alert border services in your current country. Make it clear that she was not invited and not allowed to stay with you, nor will you provide for her comfort in any other way if they let her in, because she is your abuser. Depending on the country, mentioning that you suspect she may try to remain illegally or work illegally may get you far.

OOP: That’s a good idea, I may try that, thank you.

Commenter 3: Can you and your husband plan a holiday at the same time so you are not around ?

Lock the house up, tell your neighbours she isn’t welcome and not to accommodate.

OOP: Unfortunately no, because of money issues, even though that was my first thought, too. I consider talking to the neighbors but we don’t speak their language very well yet and it’s hard to communicate what is going on.

Commenter 4: Can you take a trip or stay in a hotel when she comes? Make her think she was wrong or that you’ve moved?

OOP: I wish I could but we are tight on money. I’ve considered lying to family that I know speaks to her and telling them that I’m returning to my home country. Maybe she’ll cancel the flight then and we’ll be safe from her for a little longer so we can figure out what to do.

I’ve also briefly considered having a friend she doesn’t know open the door and act like they live there.

 

Update: November 5, 2025 (nearly one month later)

Update: My mother has booked a flight after finding my house on Google Maps

Thank you to everyone who replied to the post and gave advice. My husband and I have read through it all and have carefully considered our options. We have consulted with a lawyer, the HR staff and security of his workplace and have talked to somebody we know who works for the police. Unfortunately we have received the same feedback from all of them: There is nothing that we can do until the situation escalates. So we have decided to just wait and see.

My NMother did not arrive on the date we were given by my stepfather, so at first we were relieved, thinking she didn't go through with her plan. However, about a week later my stepfather sent me screenshots showing that she was indeed here and had rented a car, intending to head our way. She has also brought her current boyfriend.

They came by our apartment and stayed f...

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/March2ndx

Me [26F] with husband [26M] of 4 years. He sold his truck because of our baby and hasn't been the same since.

Original Post March 2, 2016

My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married for 2 of the those years. We always planned on having children but 7 months ago we found out it was happening a lot sooner than we imagined. He bought the truck right before we met. He loved it. I guess you could say he was even slightly obsessed with it. I knew this before we started dating and it didn't change in the 4 years we have been together. He spent a lot of money on it and continued to spend a lot of money on it. Everything he did in his spare time had to due with his truck. All his friends are truck guys like him and he's even in this cute little truck club. Since we've been together I don't think we have taken my car anywhere we have been together actually.

He doesn't make great money but he likes his job and still paid his portion of everything so I never had a problem with him spending his little bit of extra money on his truck. We found out I was pregnant and we were both scared, shocked and excited.

A few months ago he brought up that he doesn't know if he'll be able to afford the truck and the baby. I didn't even know if it would be practical with how big and loud the truck is. We didn't talk about it for a while and then a few weeks ago he told me as much as he didn't want to he was going to try and sell the truck because the baby was getting so close. He said he couldn't afford the payments and upkeep and maintenance on the truck if we were raising a child. He was is good spirits about it and found potential buyers very quickly. He sold it a couple days later for what he wanted and bought a car the next day.

It's been around 3 weeks since he sold the truck and he has changed completely. We are always laughing and having fun together and I don't think I've seen him smile since. I've done everything I can think of to make him feel better and to get his mind off it and nothing has worked. He just comes home from work and watches TV until bed. He's mopey and just drains the energy out of the room as mean as that sounds. I asked him why he hasn't been hanging out with his friends anymore and he told me because he sold his truck. He said everything they did was related to that somehow and it wouldn't be the same. Last night he told me he feels resentment and bitterness towards me even tho it was 100% his decision to sell the truck and he doesn't know why he feels that way. What can I do to help him get past all this? Is he depressed? I just don't know what to do. I know it was just a truck but it had more of an impact on him than I thought it would.

Tldr : husband of 4 years sold his truck because he knew he wouldn't be able to afford it and the baby. Ever since he has been acting completely different.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

panic_bread

Sounds like it was a huge mistake to sell that truck. People don't have to give up who they are just because they have children. Maybe he wouldn't have had the money to keep it in tip top shape, but who cares. Encourage him to take some of the money from the sale and buy a less expensive truck.

OOP

Yea I know he regrets it but he had a $800 monthly payment on it plus everything else. I asked him why he didn't get an older and less expensive truck and he said he would rather just have a car than downgrade from his dream truck. I'm hoping he has a change of heart and decides to sell or trade the car in for a more affordable truck.

~

CrazyMike

Sounds like he not only gave up his truck, but also his social circle. Being cut off from your friends feels incredibly lonely.

Maybe reach out to his truck buddies for some ideas on how to re-engage him into their circle. Maybe they can find a project truck they can all work in together. If he's close with them then surely even they don't want him to just disappear.

OOP

They have reached out to him to come hangout and such but he said he would feel weird and kinda uncomfortable doing the kind of stuff they did before and not having his own truck.

What kind of truck did the husband have

He had a Ram 3500 Cummins. I hope he comes around and becomes okay with getting smaller maybe inferior truck.

Editors Note: a quick Google search for a 2012 model brand new to OOPs spec went for as high as $60,000 in 2012. Add in financing and it would definitely top $70,000

OOP's final comment on the Original Post

Thanks for all the feedback and advice. We have a doctors appointment today and I'm going to try to talk to him more about it after.

Update March 24, 2016 (3 weeks later)

I wanted to post an update because it's nice reading positive outcomes on here. I got a lot of responses and it really helped me better understand what he was going thru. We were finally able to have a good talk about it. He told me what a lot of you said. That truck was his identity and part of who he was.

I told him I knew he didn't want that car he bought and he told me I was right. We talked more an enventually figured out something that would work. He sold the car he had and we agreed he could just use mine. Our schedule works out to where he could take me to work and pick me up on time. It wasn't a big hassle and I was going on maternity leave soon anyways. He found a totaled truck for sale and the engine was still in good condition. It was the engine he wanted. He bought the truck for what was supposedly a really good deal and him and a couple friends ripped everything out of it that he needed and got rid of the body. The engine is in our garage now. It took him a couple weeks but he found a truck to put the engine into and him and a friend are going to pick it up this weekend. He's back to his old self again and baby is gonna be here soon and we couldn't be more excited!!

Tldr: husband had to sell his truck because of our baby and he wasn't the same afterwards. We figured something out and he's back to his old self and the baby will be here soon.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

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DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/DareAffectionate7725 in r/MaliciousCompliance

mood spoilers: positive

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Wait for feedback....ongoing - 14 Aug 2024

Hi all, thought I post this here while I am being maliciously compliant at my current job (TLDR; at the end).

I have been with the company (10.000+ employees) for 4 years and switched departments last year due to relocation to another country and changed my contract to be fully remote. I really enjoyed the company and position as well as daily tasks and was challenged in many ways and learned a fair bit. But it wasn't a position with (contractual) remote possibility, so I decided to change departments and to a fully remote position.

The new team was very small with just 4 people including the manager. When I joined the team I started by organizing their chaos into a workable structure and road map strategy on how we can achieve the completion of the open tasks and requests. My manager at that time was useless, but we got along fine and he let me do my thing. However there are certain types of requests and changes where I do not have the authority to approve and it needs to go through my manager to the higher ups for approval. In all that time, all the requests that I forwarded for approval (or just Feedback) were still open and waiting.

No matter how many 1-1 or team meetings we had, they are being pushed further out pending approval. For the first few months I had already completed all assigned tasks where possible and helped out in other teams when I could.

This particular manager was promoted after 3 months of me joining and hired his replacement. The new manager joined us 3 months later and reports to my old manager. At this point I mainly worked with other teams and helping them, all my tasks are waiting approval and no new tasks were given.

I am somewhat relaxed with new people during the on-boarding process and make sure they have time to digest it all properly and understand the background. So again 3 months later and having learned what type my new manager is, I gave up on explaining the complex environment and what is required to be able to deliver results for me/us as a team. At this point, I have worked in that team for 9 months, onboarded my new manager and completed everything I could complete and helped my colleagues getting on with their open work. Naturally other teams didn't always need my help, so I was a bit idle for most of my managers onboarding time.

Over and over again have I stated to my new manager that I have nothing to do, unless open tasks are given approval or new ones are assigned to me and I asked to please escalate if any of it really needs to be done.

2 months ago my new manager exploded on me during a meeting to stop asking for approval on the open tasks and wait for feedback. I specifically send a follow up email to get that in writing and promptly received a response back to wait for feedback or new tasks.

Well, that's what I do now. I wait and do nothing besides the weekly team meeting where I have no updates. I also no longer help out in other teams because of what my manager said. (if the teams really needed my help, they have to go though my new manager, and any request received was rejected)

And I will keep waiting until (hopefully) it will explode.

Edit 1

My managers boss knows all of this from his own time managing the team. I have spoken to the big bosses (CEO and CTO) about it and followed it up twice with an email including everything that is still l open, including items he needs to approve himself. So I think they are very well aware of the situation, it just doesn't have priority right now.

All 'evidence' is saved in a accessible team space and I have a personal copy, both I keep updated when somethings comes up.

Fallout

One team member resigned last month and the other one is already looking for a new job. Important to know, there is a 20 year age gap between me and the other two members of the team, they still need/want more experience. Our new manager is early 60 and should retire soon-ish.

We had an impromptu team meeting yesterday without the manager where we basically all laughed about this situation, but were sad at the same time that we could not use our skills.

Personally I decided to ride this wave and see where it goes. Because let's be honest, who doesn't enjoy being paid without having to work.

TLDR

Manager said to wait for feedback before doing any more work and to stop following up. Waiting now for 2 + months with no work and no feedback.

 

Update: Still compliant, still waiting for feedback.... - 23 Sep 2025 - 14 Months Later

It has been nearly a year since I shared this post about my experience following instructions a little too precisely and thought I write an update on how things are. TLDR at the end.

Since then, not much has changed, which is, in itself, the story.

Very little work has been completed over the past year. We continued to have our weekly meetings, though they rarely produced any concrete feedback or approvals. No further tasks were pursued beyond what was written in my job description. I stayed the course, remained meticulously compliant, and waited for guidance. No more proactive ideas, no creative concepts, and barely any initiative beyond the occasional clarifying question, which, of course, was promptly redirected to my manager and left in limbo.

My last remaining colleague adopted a similar approach, albeit with a bit less subtlety. Eventually, he was let go.

After his departure, I was handed some of his tasks, but my approach remained the same. Any ambiguity was returned to sender, and any progress was delayed until proper feedback arrived, which more often than not, never did.

A few months later, a new hire joined the team. I observed his onboarding from a safe distance. To say it was chaotic would be generous. There was no structure, no documentation, and very little support. Watching him navigate that mess reminded me just how deeply the dysfunction had taken root.

At some point, the process became even more rigid. Any emails to upper management now required prior approval. Even basic updates were subject to scrutiny, which further slowed communication and progress.

And now, today, comes the inevitable next chapter.

Management has decided to restructure the department again. My manager was dismissed. No replacement has been named, and no direction has been given. Just myself and the new colleague remain, both unsure of what happens next.

For now, I suppose I will continue to do what I now do best.

Wait for feedback.

Fallout

At this point, it is unclear what the future holds. With no leadership in place, no updated responsibilities, and no clear communication from above, both of us are in a holding pattern. We have not been given new objectives, nor have we been told what to expect.

There is a quiet irony in all of this. The culture of waiting for feedback, of needing permission for every small step, has now left the department entirely unable to move. Leadership created the bottleneck, then removed the only person who was technically holding the valve.

So here we are. Two employees, minimal instructions, and absolutely no feedback.

Business as usual.

TL;DR

Continued to follow orders to the letter after being told to "wait for feedback." Did exactly that, no extra work, no ideas, no initiative. One colleague got fired, I picked up some of his tasks, but kept the same slow, approval-dependent approach. New hire came in, onboarding was a mess. Even sending emails to higher-ups required prior approval. Today, management restructured, fired my manager, and left the rest of us with no direction.

Still waiting for feedback.

 

Commentor:

Have you considered asking your current manager (two levels up) about the intentions of your department, how he views your department in five years, and how it makes money for the company?

OOP:

I tried, but the 'new manager' (director) just joined 3 weeks ago himself and really has no concrete plan on how this is moving forward. When I asked some basic questions on the direction we are planning to take I was met with silence and some fluffy words. I guess he also will be taking his sweet time to come up with something that can help this in any shape or form.

 

OE Noob - Reporting from the EU.... - 17 Oct 2025 - 24 Days later

(Editor Note: OE = Overemployed, EU = European Union, J1= Job 1, J2= Job 2)

Hi folks!

No TL;DR, so I hope you enjoy this little read while taking care of other business (like any proper OE pro should).

Thought I’d share a bit of my OE rookie story, because this sub totally convinced me to take the plunge, even though most of you seem to be from across the pond.

I actually stumbled onto this community after venting somewhere else about how I was basically collecting dust at work ...

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Original post was made by u/throwrawalkaround. When I reached out to OOP for permission to post any updates to BORU shortly after her first post was made to r/ relationships, she asked if I could post her first post on her behalf to r/TwoHotTakes because her attempt was picked up by the spam filter, and her post to r/ relationships was removed. I posted her first post to r/TwoHotTakes on her behalf, and she answered questions from her account. When she made her update some time later, she was able to post it to herself

Trigger Warning: religious excommunication, religion and politics, physical abuse

Mood Spoiler: sad but hopeful for the future of the kids

Original Post: (July 9th, 2024)

My church's youth group has a youth band that leads worship during youth, but the church also has them lead worship on Sunday mornings every few weeks (to promote the youth band when the usual worship team has a week off). I'm not in the band, but I often help with lyric powerpoints along with another girl (but not when the band plays on Sundays). The main singer of the youth band is the daughter of a youth assistant, and the daughter is an assistant too (we'll call her Emma, she's 20). I'm writing because of what happened the last time the youth band led Sunday worship on 6/30 (that led to Emma and her family leaving the church). In-between one of the songs, Emma said she felt led to say that Christian nationalism "wasn’t of God" because forcing people to believe went against the basis of Christianity because God gave free will and too many Christians forgot that. She also said there would be no short and narrow path if people were forced to walk it before saying Project 2025 was "advertised as Christian but resembled nothing of God" because God never forced people to believe in him.

No one confronted her or anything as it was brief, and they played a few more songs along with the closing song after the pastor finished his sermon. But when we got to youth on Friday night, Emma and her mother weren’t there. And we were later informed (by the youth pastor) that Emma and her mom would no longer be helping the youth before a bunch of stuff about giving others the chance to be lead singers because Emma had left the church. However, word got out from one of the band's players that Emma told the band that she got banned during the week and that her parents left the church with her, so they already knew before we found out at youth. The reason I'm making this post is because of a conversation I had with the band (and other powerpoint girl) the same Friday the youth pastor announced it, and the conversation was private from the rest of the kids.

Long story short, the band is upset about what happened to Emma, and they've been throwing around ideas on what to do. The one they're heavily considering is a walkout the next time they're scheduled to play on Sunday after playing the intro song (service opens with an intro song before someone comes onstage to welcome everyone before worship continues), and they would voice support for Emma before walking out together. They haven't told anyone not associated with the band because they don't want anyone to spill the deets. But the main thing we're debating is repercussions from our parents and whether or not it's worth the risk. There's likely a few weeks until the band plays on Sunday again, and they still haven't decided on a new lead singer yet. I also wanna add that the church didn't upload the worship portion of the service with Emma and only uploaded the sermon from that day (they always include worship on their YouTube upload of the service). Most of the concerns were around tuition punishments as some of them have their parents helping pay, but they still want to do something. And while I'm not in the band technically aside from coordinating powerpoint lyrics occasionally, I figured the least I could do was get advice from other adults anonymously because we don't want to ask our parents for obvious reasons, and maybe others could see more pros and cons that we can. I appreciate any advice that anyone gives and will relay it to the band too. Thanks to anyone who read this too.

edit: I forgot to add this detail in my post, but the pastor of our church has used the pulpit to speak politics in the past and has even mentioned support of a Presidential candidate on numerous occasions along with other political topics on occasion too (roe v wade & gay rights). So while I agree that politics probably shouldn't be spoken in church, some of the band said that Emma was tired of the often political topics being brought up during sermons, thus why she said what she said.

________________________________

First Update: (July 22nd, 2024)

I wanna thank everyone who commented on my original post because it was way more than I expected, and many of you had really helpful advice. This is a small update with some really surprising things that happened since. First, the band is still going through with the walkout, and they're keeping it within the band so that no other kids tell their parents who might tell leaders (it would've been awesome to include others, but the risk of the church catching wind was too great). Second, we have a date of 8/4 when the youth band will do worship for the adults again. Third, the youth pastor appointed a singer from within the group who will take turns singing on Sundays with future participants in the coming weeks.

Fourth, the new singer agreed that the church's handling of Emma was BS. Fifth and most exciting, two of the band members told non-religious relatives about the situation and fear of punishment, and they agreed to come to the service and let them head to their cars in the parking lot straight from the walkout (for safety). They won't leave the lot in case some parents try to claim kidnapping, but we'll be in their cars if all goes well, and the rest of us are going to ask our relatives too. Sixth, one of the band members told a teacher they knew from school who's thinking about coming and walking out too. And seventh, one of the band members wrote a little something that the lead singer will read before they walk off stage, and it would be great if anyone with editing experience could help to make it clearer or provide advice on what to add (they tried to keep it short). I will make a post about their writeup in the near future.

Here's how we hope it happens. The band will play the opening song (which officially starts service) and usually lets people know it's starting (many make their way from the foyer during the intro song). And after someone gives the welcome/prayer after the opening song, the lead singer will then give the speech before the band walks off stage, and I will walk out with them from the pews along with relatives/friends. One relative said she might bring some people she knows too (which could make more of a statement to the church to see adults leaving too). One of the relatives will also record the whole thing in case any parents don't react well to it, and I will update after it happens.

If anyone has any further advice, it would be appreciated, and I'll bring it to the band. Most of the band (outside of two seniors) aren't old enough to vote this year, but this is a chance to stand up for what's right against something that is adamantly infusing itself into Christianity (Christian Nationalism) and making Christianity lose all of its respect in our opinion. We don't expect change to happen in the church as a result of our walkout, but it's a small thing we can do to say we did our part when faced with it ourselves. Another commenter put it best when she asked if we'd be able to live with ourselves if we did nothing, and the answer has been no for us so far.

I also wanna add something I forgot to clarify in my first post. Emma didn't say what she did out of the blue. She had been vocal about the pastor talking politics for some time according to the band, and I've seen much of it too. However, a lot of people sent DMs disagreeing with the band's decision. So before I get into it, I wanna give specifics of what the pastor has done. The pastor mentioned Trump from the pulpit numerous times including the aftermath of the 2020 election to voice discontent over the results. He has also celebrated roe v wade's overturning from the pulpit, pride month during June, and even compared Trump's legal trial to how Jesus was persecuted leading up to his crucifixion; things that have no place being vented about from the pulpit, and this has happened over the course of a few years.

I received a few DMs in the aftermath of my first post, and some were encouraging while others not so much. A few people (who said they were Christians) said that Emma was wrong to use the microphone to "hijack the service" with her words because she should've talked to the pastor first while calling her actions immature. However, when I showed the band the advice from my posts, I also told them about the DMs, and they said that Emma spoke to a leader about the pastor's political sermons in the past. But nothing came from it as he cont...

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I am still not the Original Poster. OOP is u/AITACollegeFundMom. She posted in r/amitheasshole and her own page.

For once, TikTok did its big one and led me to her recent update because I always wondered how this turned out.

**Trigger warning:**death of a parent, divorce

Original Post: February 13, 2023

When my (42F) daughter (17F) was 7, we lost her father to an avoidable accident. Due to that and the subsequent settlement, my daughter was able to have a trust fund of sorts that provided for college, grad school if she wanted, and even some left over for whatever life might bring. It is money that - managed wisely - would enable her to have a head start in life. She knows about this and has never taken for granted given where the money came from. After all, we'd both rather have her father around than the money.

That said, life moves on and I remarried 6 years after my former husband's passing to a lovely man who has two children of his own (17F, 13M). All of the children live with us primarily with his children seeing their mother on vacations as she lives across the country.

This year, both our girls are graduating and should be headed to college. My daughter was admitted ED to her dream school last year and is ecstatic about it. Her father is an alumnus and she has this old sweatshirt of his that she kept to remind her of him. She cried so much when she got in and both her step father and I were proud of her because she worked hard to get in. My step daughter will also be attending a wonderful school that is one the top ranked schools for her interests. The problem now arises with the money to pay for SD's school.

Because her parents cannot afford to pay the tuition in its entirety, SD will have to take some loans. All told, she will graduate with about $40K in loans which I think is still quite modest for the school she's attending and her earning prospects post graduation. But my daughter will graduate debt free and for my husband this is suddenly a problem. He wants us to split up my daughter's fund between all three kids because then they could all (probably) have college fully paid for. My daughter won't have much left over and will definitely need to borrow for grad school - which she has expressed interest in attending - but, according to my husband, that's ok because everyone will start off on an equal footing post college. I think this is unfair to my daughter because 1) her father had to die for this money and 2) this is like her inheritance from him. My husband thinks that they are all siblings and she should be happy to share the money with them if it means giving her siblings a head start in life. I absolutely do not want to put her in the position of being guilted into saying yes if she doesn't want to. I have expressed all of this to my husband and he thinks that I'm being selfish, that I'm teaching my daughter to be selfish, and I obviously don't consider my SKs the same as my daughter.

AITA for wanting to protect my daughter's trust for her as it was intended?

ETA: Since I've seen this a few times already, both kids do have college funds but somewhat smaller because my husband and his ex got their finances together later in life. So there is some money but with the caliber/COA of the school that SD will be attending, she will still need some loans to cover costs. I haven't brought up going to a cheaper school because that will be a fresh set of problems given where my daughter will be matriculating.

Relevant comments:

NTA. That settlement was for your deceased husband's children, not your future children, and certainly not someone else's.

NTA. No Way! He needs to provide for his kids. You have (tragically) provided for your kid. This is her money. Why hasn't he been saving for his kids education all along? He can cosign on his kids loans and pay them off. These are his kids and he and his ex-wife need to provide their educational expenses!

OOP:

To be fair, he did save for his kids, but it won't fully cover. SD will need to take about $10-$15K give or take per year, although it could be less if she managed to get paid work during summers etc. We would also be happy to help her out here and there if needs be.

Downvoted comment:

INFO: This is a difficult situation to judge as written. My question for you is this: Who has paid for your daughter's needs since you and your husband married? Has he contributed at all to her food, clothing, shelter, school-related expenses, extracurriculars, family trips, etc? Or were those expenses borne solely by you and/or the fund? Because if your current husband has contributed to his stepdaughter's expenses, I can see how he might think, "I've spent thousands supporting this young woman over the years. Money that could have come from her fund."

OOP:

Both my husband and I paid for things because we both have careers and didn't nickel and dime one another about who was buying what for whose kid.

Some information from OOP on this trust:

When the settlement was awarded, it was awarded to me. I then split the money and put most of it in a trust for her since we weren't struggling because I work and made enough for our little family.

Update Post: October 9, 2025 (2 years, 9 months later)

I'd forgotten about this account some time after I posted until I saw my OP on Facebook. (Here's that OP btw: Link). I logged in and found a lot of message requests demanding an update - some nicely and some not to nicely. I almost deleted the account but I figured why not. So here we are.

My daughter is now a junior at her father's alma mater and her dream school as planned. She's doing exceptionally well to her surprise but not mine. I always knew she was capable. I'm happy that she's starting to understand what I've always known. She's told me that she plans to start studying for her LSAT because she wants to apply to law school senior year. I'm so immensely proud of the woman that she is becoming. I've never quite been able to get over that stab of grief that hits when I see her shining and know that her father will never be able to see her being an adult that we can be proud of.

As for the money, it stayed hers. That part I never wavered on but that was also the very thing that ended my marriage.

Things fell apart even before the girls went to college. My ex-husband went to my daughter, against my explicit wishes, and tried to guilt her into sharing the money. She came to me upset and that was it for me. Going behind my back and trying to pressure my teenage daughter into doing something that I had stated would not be happening? Unconscionable. We separated that fall, and the actual divorce was finalized this past summer.

My stepdaughter is also a junior at the school she was excited about but we have not spoken since the separation. I don't know if she blames me and my daughter or is trying to distance herself from the whole thing but it still hurts. My stepson still contacts me frequently so that's something.

I moved after the divorce was finalized so now I'm in a new city with a new job and a new house. It's been an adjustment but it feels good to start fresh in a completely new city for the first time in my adult life.

So that's it. I'm doing well, as is my kid, and we're moving on with life which is all you can do these days. I am grateful to the thousands of people who didn't make me feel like a monster because I stood firm on protecting what was my daughter's. She and I are both grateful that we took that stance, especially now that we know that grad school is firmly in the future and the economy around that.

This will obviously be my last update. So cheers! Be well!

Comment:

You did the right thing, mom. That money came at the expense of your daughter losing her father, and it was in NO way shareable with your former stepchildren. Your ex husband was horrible for even asking her for money for his children! One other thing is, when you married this man, you really should have never even told him about her inheritance to begin with, and your ex husband should have had no knowledge of it, nor of how her college was being paid. Hopefully you'll eventually find someone who's not selfish like your ex husband and will treat both you and your daughter as you should be treated.

Best of luck on your new journey!!

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/sleptwithfriend

I [32M] have been sleeping with my best friend [32F] and for 2 weeks and I think we've been dating for 10 years and never realized it.

Original Post - rareddit Aug 11, 2016

So me and "Sophie" have been best friends since like the 1st grade. She was my next door neighbor growing up, we went to the same college, and got jobs in the same city. And we've been room mates since we were like 25.

So typing this it almost seems like we've been a couple all along. But I've never really thought of her sexually since we were teenagers. She had a boyfriend at like 17 and they were really in love with each other and I was good friends with him, but unfortunately he drowned like a week after we graduated high school. She was obviously a wreck and I helped her as much as I could get through it, and in the process we pretty much became inseparable.

It's not like one of us was clinging to the other, it was completely mutual, we like the same things, have the same interests and did stuff together all the time. When she was having a hard time sleeping because of Rick's drowning she'd ask to come over because she didnt want to be alone and I of course was there for her. Eventually we graduated college and decided to get jobs in the same city, and eventually after that we decided to move in together as room mates because we save a ton of money and we were always hanging out together anyway.

Now I realize, that basically, I think we've been a couple except we just didn't have sex. Of course she would have a guy over sometimes but it was never really serious and same with me, I dated a bit but never really felt a connection with any of them.

So about 2 weeks ago we were watching wrestling (like we do every week) and she started softly crying and were sitting like inches from each other on the couch so of course I put my arm around her and ask if she's ok and if she needs to talk. Basically, she's been having a hard time finding a guy and she's really upset. She's always been kind of thick, but now she's pretty chubby and says that attractive guys don't want to sleep with her anymore.

So I'm trying to be supportive and stuff, and I wasn't lying, I've always thought she was really pretty, but I said that's not true and that plenty of guys would love to sleep with her. She's not a prude or anything and we always make crude jokes to each other and I said something like "If weren't like the best best friends ever I'd have been trying to fuck you for the passed 10 years".

She gave me this look like I had just flipped a switch on robot like she was just staring right into my eyes and my brain is telling me to kiss her and so I did. We were making out for probably 5 minutes and she had pulled my shirt off and I had pulled hers off, and then I'm think oh my god what am I doing.

So I stopped and I'm like woah we need to think about this, are we sure we want to go down this road? We talk for like 2 minutes and we basically decide "hey, we've been friends for 25 years, and been through way worse together that having sex one time shouldn't be an issue"

It was by far the best sex I ever had. And now since that time we've had sex at least once every day. sometimes two or three times. We both recognize we need to discuss this but keep saying we'll discuss it tomorrow when we'll have more time. But I recognize we have to discuss it. Like soon. And I'm scared. I think I've realized that I've been madly in love with her this entire time. And that's why I never connected with any of the women I dated. And I'm really hoping it's the same for her. I think we might bother have felt this way for a long time and were finally realizing it. It just sounds so fucking crazy. Like what the fuck is going on. Am I crazy? Am I getting my hopes up? If she doesn't feel the same way I do, how can I ever hang out with her again. What do I do?

tldr; I slept with my best friend of 25 years, and now realize I'm crazy in love with her and probably have been for 10 years, and I'm afraid that maybe she doesn't feel this way as well.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

bayleeblue22

I think she's into you, otherwise she probably wouldn't have slept with you multiple times. I suggest that you start taking her out on real dates, if she agrees and is receptive to cuddling and holding hands, she's def into you. And whenever you feel is the right timing, you can tell her what's in your heart and how you feel about her.

OOP

I mean like we always cuddle on the couch and in college when she would come to my dorm because she couldn't sleep we'd sleep in my bed together just nothing sexual happened, I'm starting to think she's spent 15 years trying to give me hints now

~

Area_Woman

I agree with OP - take her on actual dates. Allow yourselves to feel some of those early relationship jitters and awkwardness as you embark on a new type of relationship together

OOP

I'm going to and we go on dates all the time I just didn't realize they were dates. Like dinner together, lunch, museums. I think we should plan a vacation together, with a king bed instead of twin beds lol

~

wonderlanders

This is adorable. It sounds like you guys are basically in the perfect position for this to happen.

Are you worried expectations will change if you become an official couple? Maybe pick an evening once a week to do a serious check in with eachother, where you each have an open floor to bring up any concerns or thoughts you've had about this shift in your relationship.

And have fun!! I bet all your friends are gonna be like "Geez guys, FINALLY!"

OOP

Both of our parents are always joking with us about when are we gonna give them grand kids but both of us are firmly child-free so we always use that defense and don't stress that we aren't a couple. I think I really am the only one who didn't realize I'm in love with her. I feel like an idiot

Edit: I just got home from work, she gets home in a bit, I think I'm just going to sit her down and lay it all out there. I'm so stressed out by not knowing.

OOP Updated the Next Day Aug 12, 2016

Edit 2 with Update:

So she got home and I told her we need to talk and she seemed disappointed. So I was really bummed. Like she looked like she wanted to cry. But I said please just let me say what I need to say and then we can go from there.

I told her that since we had started having sex I've realized I'd been in love with her for a really long time and didn't realize it. And she started trying to hold back tears and I got the worst knot in my stomach and thought I was literally going to puke. I told her it's ok if she doesn't feel the same I would always be there for her as a friend and would try my best to not let my feelings get in the way but now that it's out there I guess there isn't any going back. She told me to stop and she was crying now.

I stopped and it felt like an eternity just sitting there I couldn't even look her in the face. Then she just kind of wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my chest and was sobbing. I'm just sitting there confused trying to figure out if this good or horrible.

Finally she looks up at me and says she's been waiting for me to say that since college. And that the reason she was crying with me on the couch the other week was because she thought it had been long enough and it wasn't going to happen and that's why she kept trying to put off having a talk after we started having sex because she thought that was the closest we'd come to being a couple. Now we are waiting for our Chinese food to come after some awesome sex! Thanks so much for the advice and getting me to finally say something.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/EffYouJenny

Originally posted to r/AITAH

**Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Update]: AITAH for leaving one of my brother’s kids out of a trip but taking the rest?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor’s note: removed older relevant comments for more space in this latest BoRU

Trigger Warnings: alcoholism, child abandonment/neglect, emotional abuse and manipulation, favoritism, financial abuse, controlling behavior

Mood Spoilers: infuriating and sad

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RECAP

Original Post: July 24, 2025

So long story short, I (35f) live and work abroad but am from the midwest. I grew up with my brother Jason (43m) and our parents (70s). We were working class, had what we needed but not well-off by any means.

When I was in high school Jason married Tiffany (40f), who is and was and will always be a mess of a person, heavy drinker, partier, god knows whatever else, but she was hot and my brother is a dweeb to put it nicely. They had Jace (19m), Jeff (17m), and Hannah (12f). Their marriage broke down before Hannah was born, they tried working it out but ultimately got divorced. Jason started dating Jenny (43f) while splitting custody of the kids with Tiffany 50-50. Since Tiff had been a SAHM she received child support and alimony, and my brother worked a lot.

I liked Jenny at first, she wasn't a complete smoke show like Tiff but she was kind, had a good job, and was well-educated. I thought, much better match. At first, I know Jenny was upset that the kids didn't immediately love her and call her mom when they were there, and the divorce was hard on them. got pregnant somewhat fast with Daisy (10f) and they got married. Around this time, the older kids started refusing to go back to Tiff's, she was always drinking and having guys around, so all three moved in full-time with Jason and Jenny and Tiff left town and is no longer in the kids' lives.

I tried being understanding, I'm sure having a newborn and then three older kids full-time is difficult. But Jenny completely changed. She stopped working, but declared she was only a SAHM to HER kid. Jason was working 70+ hours to make ends meet AND her parents were helping them out, but she controls the finances. This means that the three of them (Jason, Jenny, and Daisy) operate as a family unit, going to dinners, events, even vacations and leaving the older three kids at home. I have always thought this was disgusting and voiced my opinion about it, but Jason just said his divorce broke him emotionally and he will do anything possible to keep Jenny happy so that their marriage works out. Gross, yes. And 10 years ago to be frank I was younger, broker, and dumber so it was kind of more like 'yes my brother fucking sucks as a dad but I live on another continent and all i can do is be supportive of the kids.' I know, not a great attitude in retrospect and I'm disappointed in myself.

I really did my best, when they refused to pay for Jace to learn how to drive (even though Jenny refused to drive the kids anywhere), my mom taught him and I bought him a used car. We had to shame Jason to put him on his insurance, and he makes Jace pay for it. Same with Jeff - they share the car and use it for their activities and Hannah's. My wife (an only child and we don't want children) have the three of them as our sole beneficiaries in our will, something we did when we found out that Jenny and Jason plan to leave them only the bare minimum amount, everything goes to Daisy.

Also, after we got married my wife (6 years ago) and I decided that we would start taking the older kids on annual trips with us when we went to the US. Nothing FANCY (we might be childfree but we're not billionaires or anything, just well-off), but things like a week in Florida, Utah, California, things like that. They're very outdoorsy kids so they've had a blast every year, and we plan it when my brother takes Jenny and Daisy on trips, so they don't care.

Normally we vacation in the summer, but Jace got an internship this summer so we decided to move our trip to the fall and are going to Maine (LEAVES!!!). I let Jason know the dates (they're in line with their fall breaks no worries) and he basically said we need to start including Daisy. Jenny's parents made some bad investments, they're fine but aren't helping them out anymore and Jenny is looking for a job, but since her parents had always paid for their trips they can't go on one this year.

So, even if all was fair, I wouldn't want to take Daisy on a trip. This is going to shock you with parents like that and I feel so bad saying this about a child but Daisy is a HUGE brat, spoiled, mean, and constantly bragging about the things she gets that her siblings don't. She once told me they weren't her siblings, they were 'Tiffany's kids.' She throws toddler level tantrums on holidays if she doesn't get as much AND MORE as the other kids, tells my wife and I we are going to hell (edit: I now feel bad for including this. She said it about five years ago a few times and when Jenny was told it was about the only time I’ve ever seen her discipline Daisy. I guess she’d heard it from Jenny’s aunt, but it was hurtful and hard to forget with everything else), and since Jenny waits on her hand and foot she's a total slob. I feel bad saying all this, I hope when she grows up she grows out of it. But there is no way I'd want to take her on a vacation. So I told him I didn't think we'd be able to handle all four kids and we'd just go the five of us. He said Jenny could come to help out (absolutely not) or our mom could go (love her but she's getting a freaking HIP REPLACEMENT next month and does NOT want to go). Plus the car we'd need for all these people on a road trip would be stupid, we'd probably need 2, and you know what? I don't want to!

Anyways, sorry for trauma dumping on you all, this is getting long. I was worried Jason would not let me take the other kids on the trip, but they decided to go the route of shaming us online. Obviously its working with their friends and her family, but even my dad told me to stick to my guns. But, my wife came to me the other day and basically said, are we even better than Jenny if we're favoring some kids over another just because we don't like their mom? Before we were evening things out, but now we're obviously favoring the oldest. She told me to think of the long-term health of my family and our relationships. She said that it's my family, my decision, but wants me to think about it. My gut is saying just take the older three, but Daisy is only 10, she's not too blame. Would it make me an evil aunt to leave her out?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of NTAs and few others

 

Update #1: August 4, 2025 (11 days later)

Hey guys, I posted about a week ago and a lot of people asked for updates but things have gotten yucky. A quick thing, Daisy is not constantly some veruca salt-esque monster child. She can be a brat but she is also funny and caring, she’s the only grandchild who has stuck with the church choir that my mom runs even though I don’t think she loves it, always calls my wife and I on our birthdays, and when their dog was too old to go upstairs she brought her mattress downstairs and slept next to her every night before she passed away so she wouldn’t be lonely. People aren’t cartoon villains and please stop attacking a ten year old.

Sorry I didn’t reply to direct messages, I don’t feel comfortable doing that. I don’t know if that account people were messaging me was Jenny’s and honestly it wouldn’t change anything. I did change some small things for anonymity, and it would be a shame if there more than one person out there like her.

Finally, just a reminder that I live half the world (a 15 hour min plane ride) away. I can’t just pop over and there are time zone issues. I also do well for myself but don’t have unlimited money. So stop telling me to take Daisy on “trial trips” and buy a 4 bedroom house for the oldest three to live in lol. And keep in mind, I live in remote, mostly rural areas, not bustling metropolises with vibrant expat communities and international schools. It’s the nature of my job, I’ve worked hard for it, and it’s not conducive to having kids/ young adults living with me.

I’m not a messy person and I don’t do social media drama, so I’ve been ignoring Jenny and Jason’s little vaguebooking campaign, and honestly I wasn’t even going to update until I got some background information but basically I got a call from my brother last weekend and it was Daisy crying and telling me she would be good and she’s sorry for being bad and she wants to go on the trip and promising she’ll be quiet and not say anything rude. It was dark, she was saying she was going to find a way to show me and my wife and her parents she was good and not a bad person and everything would be ok. I tried calming her down, I assured her that both her aunts love her very much and don’t think she is bad person at all. My brother took the phone and was just like see what you’ve done and hung up. I tried calli...

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Environmental_Tap838

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

I realized my (F30) husband’s (M30) family doesn’t like me, and I think it’s pushing me toward divorce. Has anyone been through this?

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, possible controlling behavior, possible invasion of privacy, gaslighting, possible bigotry

---

Original Post: September 20, 2025

I (f, 30s) am married to a (m,30s) who unfortunately comes from a family that doesn’t like me, or at least doesn’t seem to want me around. And I’m starting to think this has been a huge factor in me considering divorce. I’d love to hear from others who’ve gone through something similar.

Here are some examples that really affected me:

\• Inappropriate boundaries: My MIL once asked my husband if we use protection. He shared parts of our sex life as she kept asking. He told me later since I wasn’t around then. I was mortified. When I told him I felt violated, he said it’s “normal” for him to talk about this with her. That I’m too closed on that with family and friends and that they’re like that.

\• Passive-aggressive jokes: She said foreigners like me always “take things,” and that an example was me because I stole her son. My husband laughed when he told me. Again she said it when I wasn’t around.

\• Dismissive comments about my interests: She mocked my love of books, (you guessed it, when I wasn’t there) calling it an “obsession,” even though my husband knows that’s a sensitive subject for me. Instead of backing me up, he accused me of being resentful.

\• Weird emotional competition: Before our wedding, she told me flat out she’ll always love him more than I ever could and said it seriously, not as a joke. No one at the table said anything. Not even my husband.

\• Constant emotional dumping: She regularly calls crying and venting, even when he’s overwhelmed with grief after his father’s death. She never seeks therapy, and expects him to be her emotional support system.

\• Unhealthy family dynamics: His extended family uses his car without asking, damages it, and laughs it off. One aunt even drove against traffic. He says nothing, even if she was very upset. Yet if I make a small mistake, he corrects me immediately and harshly.

\• They reject my cooking: Whenever I cook at my MIL’s house, suddenly more people show up (every time) but no one eats what I cook. He says they’re just “picky,” but even the her vegetarian aunt refused to try the salad I made for her.

\• The culture: very recently I’ve noticed no man in his family (MIL’s brothers and nephews) is still married. It’s a very matriarchal family where the women form a tight circle and I’m left out. I often sit alone during gatherings while they whisper in the kitchen. Some of them don’t even refer to me by name.

\• Resentment or subtle digs: I get the feeling his mom resents me, not just for taking her son, but for being different. They’ve started making xenophobic comments lately, and I’m an immigrant… so it’s hard not to take it personally. Lately all of the extended family are shifting towards radical right discourses against people like me.

And yet my husband defends them constantly. He says there’s “no bad intention,” that his mom is “just being herself,” and I’m “too sensitive.” He minimizes my feelings and seems more concerned about their well-being and not upsetting them than how I feel.

I’m starting to feel invisible. Like I walked into a family where I’ll never be truly welcomed. And even though I love my husband, I’m wondering if this is sustainable.

Christmas is coming and I honestly don’t want to spend another one there. I’m thinking about telling him about divorce before those dates.

Has anyone else felt pushed out by their partner’s family to this extent? Did it affect your marriage long-term? Would appreciate any honest insights.

 

Editor's note: OOP has made the same original post onto another subreddit, I am adding relevant comments from the sub for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I don’t even know how you get to the point of marrying someone like this.

OOP: We were long distance, during the pandemic we visited each other but wouldn’t see often the extended family. Then we got married to be together.

Before marriage, I thought his parents were very loving to me. The only incidents I had were with his dad, and my husband would defend me. Hence me thinking it would be like that with everyone else. The only incident with my MIL before marriage was her comment about loving him more than me. I found it very weird but thought it was not a big deal compared to how nice she was.

After my FIL’s death the situations I’ve mentioned dramatically increased. I’ve been vocal about how disrespected I feel but he keeps being on her side and all the women in the family.

Has OOP considered about counseling / therapy for both herself and her husband?

OOP: I’ve mentioned individual and couples therapy, especially since his dad’s passing. He refuses both. Individual, he says he already knows what he needs to work on. Couples he says if we go then it’s a sign the relationship is over.

Commenter 3: Wait, they go to the kitchen and you don't?

Like, you're left as the only woman sitting by yourself? Do they not invite you, or do they explicitly tell you to stay put?

Either way that's fucked up. I hope you don't have any kids with this guy.

Step one, never visit them again. Tell your husband you don't want them at your house. He can go and see his mom, but not with you, your relationship with them is over.

If he tries to gaslight you again, or try the "that's my mom, she will always be in my life".

Ok, it's divorce talk.

OOP: They never invite me to the kitchen, I’ve tried going by myself and I’m met with that awkward silence as if I interrupted something. I know sometimes people want to chat private stuff, but when it’s in all the family reunions and we just interact while eating, then I feel it’s a bit more than that.

In a reunion, my mother overhead one of the aunts seeing our wedding photos and calling me chubby. I told my husband and he got upset saying her aunt would never say that and my mom probably understood wrongly because we don’t speak their language. Our languages are very similar, so she definitely heard correctly. Since it’s the same word for chubby.

Commenter 4: Never mind divorce - I’m wondering why you married him at all. Did you really think that anything would change - that his family would suddenly start being nice to you after you got married, or he would magically start defending you when he hadn’t before?

OOP: The only incident with my MIL before marriage was the comment of her mom telling me she’ll always love him more. I thought it very weird but thought about the rest of her treatment to me which was very nice. After her husbands death, this has spiraled to this constant comments. I empathize with losing her husband butI live being treated like this.

Commenter 5: Here’s the thing. It’s not the family that’s causing the divorce. It’s your husband. He’s allowing this to go on and not standing up for you. Plenty of marriages work out when in-laws don’t like a spouse, but it’s up to your husband. He needs to grow up. The family you create has to be more important than your family of origin. If he doesn’t love you enough to prioritize you and your feelings then it’s best to cut bait and run. He’ll never be able to have a healthy relationship as long as he lets his family act this way without any consequences. There’s someone out there who will put you first, sounds like it’s not him. I’m so sorry.

OOP: I’ve spoken about how I feel about this. He says of course he’s on my side because he chose to come to the other side of the world for me. I recognize and value that, but whenever we visit his family, and we try to go for months (because we’re lucky to do remote work) this happens often. It saddens me to hear my MIL starts speaking about me like this, it didn’t happen before our marriage or I wouldn’t have married him. I feel very alone and he doesn’t see how it’s wrong. I feel I shouldn’t even say it, he should defend me whenever hearing these things.

Commenter 6: OP: Give yourself the GIFT of leaving this marriage behind!

Your in-laws are toxic people. Your husband is too emotionally immature to see it; he WON'T change. You've put up with enough of their toxic behavior.

Honestly, make an appointment THIS WEEK to see a divorce lawyer! The relief of splitting up from this situation will be wonderful. Block ALL of his friends/relatives on EVERY social media site, and on emails, and your phone.

When your husband receives his divorce papers, tell him he is ONLY allowed to contact you via your lawyer, you'll accept no phone calls or emails from him or his family. Then BLOCK HIM.

Move out and move on with your life NOW so you can start healing, avoid the holidays with these awful people, and begin your journey to a better healthier life. In the near future, find a therapist (hopefully, from YOUR culture) who can help you learn to establish/mai...

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Propermistakeregret

Proposed to girlfriend whilst drunk on NYE night, can I cancel and get the ring back?

Originally posted to r/LegalAdviceUK

RELEVANT COMMENTS infidelity

Original Post Jan 1, 2019

I'm seeing someone else, wanted to break up with her. I bought the ring for a work colleague, wasn't planning to propose until the holiday we planned. During new year's eve, I proposed to my girlfriend. It's been posted on my friends Snapchat, my girlfriends Facebook page, everywhere. I saw people proposing so I wanted to go with the flow and proposed to my girlfriend whilst partially pissed. Can I get the ring back and cancel the engagement please?

TOP COMMENT

[deleted]

Not been bothering with Reddit over Xmas; but it’s nice to come back to an early nominee for “stupidest post of the year”, especially so early on.

Let me check I’ve got this straight:

You were planning on proposing to a work colleague when you go on holiday, despite the fact you are still seeing someone you class as your girlfriend.

However, in a twist of fate, you took that engagement ring out with you on New Years Eve. Either that, or you took the wrong girlfriend out. Either way, mistakes were made.

Those mistakes were compounded when you got caught up in the heat of other people’s affection, and proposed to your (wrong) girlfriend.

And now, you want legal advice on whether you can get the ring back, so you don’t have to buy another ring and can instead give your intended fiancée your accidental fiancées’ ring.

Well, from a legal perspective you’re shit out of luck because a gift is a gift, even when given by a moron.

However, there is a solution: tell your (current/accidental) fiancée about the mistake. Honesty may actually be your best policy here, because I suspect that the realisation that you are such an utter fungus of a person will lead her to take the ring off and fling it.

If you’re lucky, you may be able to find it and then can give your ex-fiancée’s sloppy seconds to your bit on the side.

And what a lucky girl she will be!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Dusty-Pilgrim

Legally the ring belongs to her, unless you placed conditions on it when giving it to her.

If you were so drunk that you lacked legal capacity to make a gift then that could be grounds for getting it back.

Realistically, unless the ring cost a fortune, lawyers aren’t going to get involved and you will have to resolve this between you.

OOP

I spent £1,800 on the ring and I can't get it back? What's legal capacity? I wouldn't be able to drive in terms of how drunk I was , I fucked myself haven't I

psyjg8

The common law test for capacity to make a gift was set out in Re Beaney [1978] 1 WLR 770:

“The question is whether the person making it was capable of understanding the effect of the deed when its general purport had been fully explained to him.” Furthermore, as per Gorjat v Gorjat  [2010] EWHC 1537, the burden is on you to show you were not of sound mind, prima facie, at least.

So, given you understood that the gift was given as an engagement ring - you were of legally sound enough mind to have made the gift, in my view.

OOP

how am I going to propose to my work colleague then? we're going on holiday and i wont have a ring. what happens if i take the ring from her without her knowing? we live together at the moment so i could easily do it. its not theft really is it, i mean i bought it

psyjg8

"its not theft really is it"

s.1 of the Theft Act (1968); (1) A person is guilty of theft if he dishonestly appropriates property belonging to another with the intention of permanently depriving the other of it;

It meets the definition. The ring, prima facie, is no longer your property since you gave it away, and I frankly see a jury swinging that way fairly easily.

OOP

doesnt seem fair to me that something I BOUGHT, which i ACCIDENTALLY GAVE, can be classified as theft, i spent £1,800 on the ring. doesnt the law take into the fact of accidents, mistakes. what if i honestly thought that the ring was mine?

Afinkawan

Nothing accidental about it - you got pissed and made a stupid decision.

Taking something that belongs to someone else without their permission is theft.

Dusty-Pilgrim

Of course it would be theft

OOP

But i bought it

Afinkawan

LPT: if you don't want someone else to have something, don't give it to them.

OOP

gave it to her whilst drunk

Afinkawan

Probably best to avoid getting drunk with £1800 rings in your pocket in future.

Update Jan 2, 2019 (Next Day)

Update on wanting to cancel the engagement with my girlfriend and getting the ring back.

I've had a long and hard think to myself, I decided to hand in my 4 week notice to my boss and start afresh. I think it's best my girlfriend doesn't find out about the affair I've been having so I've spoke to my colleague and told her I'm not going on holiday with her and I've ended it with her. I've known my girlfriend longer and my mum gave me a call saying she's happy and she's always wanted grandchildren and what not so I didn't want to disappoint my mum. I'm going to marry my girlfriend. She already planned out the wedding venue on her MacBook, she hid it from me, so I didn't want to upset her. Genuinely I feel bad if I were to break up with her, she's been buzzing all day calling all her friends saying she's getting married and taking photos of her ring etc. I think it's the right thing to do. Just worried that my colleague will somehow get a hold of my girlfriend and tell her about the times we've slept together. That's my final decision and I think I'll stick to that.

edit; can journalists please stop asking for interviews. i am not happy to go public for a very obvious reason.

FINAL COMMENTS

LordOfThePayso

If you don't own your truth now be prepared for it to come back and own you later on.

blitheobjective

I just can’t put into words how terrible OPs decision is. It’s like the worst possible outcome.

ImperialSeal

Really feel for his fiancée. Cowardly, POS move from OP here.

All it takes for it all to come crashing down is the other woman to get a little jealous after they're married, but it will be his fiancée who gets hurt the most.

Desdam0na

Imagine this guy's children asking him how he proposed to his wife.

irespectfemales123

What a lucky woman she is

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2025-11-11 05:00:37+00:00.

---

I am still not the Original Poster. That is still ThrowRA_LosingMind. She posted in r/relationship_advice and her own page.

Thank you to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know about the new update.

Previous BORU's here, here, here and the latest here. **New update marked with ******* Some previous comments removed for length.

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old. Please read trigger warnings.

Trigger Warning:  mentions of abuse; brain tumor; terminal illness; death

Mood Spoiler:  genuinely fucking sad. OOP is picking up the pieces

Original Post: August 5, 2024

I’m truly at a loss here. This situation has gotten worrying, and I don’t know what to do with it.

Since about a week my husband became convinced I’m pregnant. I have no idea why, because I’m not. We haven’t even started trying, though we do have plans in the future.

We were just making conversation and yeah, I did mention feeling tired. But that’s all. A few hours later he just came in so excited. I told him I’m not, but he won’t let it go.

He has made remarks about how happy he is, what a wonderful mother I’ll be, what our baby will be like. Not all the time, but it has come up multiple times a day.

I told him I’m not. I even took a test - because even I started wondering - and it was undoubtedly negative. I showed him & he just got annoyed, said tests can be wrong. He didn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening. The next morning he acted as if nothing happened.

When I tell him I’m not, he just kind of shuts me out?

I lost my shit yesterday when we were in bed and he put his hand on my stomach, told him he’s acting crazy. I’m not pregnant & his behaviour is scaring me. He went to sleep in the guest room after that & left for work early in the morning. I haven’t seen him or spoken to him today.

I’m just at a loss. I don’t know where this obsession is coming from. I even asked him if I gained weight, if that’s what’s gotten him confused. He assured me I didn’t.

I’m thinking of contacting his parents. Or maybe a therapist or something. I honestly don’t understand what’s happening and I’m worried about my husband.

Edit (next day)

Edit: thank you for all the replies, I didn’t expect all this. It’s been overwhelming & I’m incredibly grateful. He’s asleep next to me right now & I keep going through all the comments.

My husband is one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, I promise you all that he’s not trying to manipulate me, or would do anything to harm me. But that does make me believe something is really wrong.

I’ll contact my & his parents in the morning, once he’s left for work. Maybe go stay with my mom for a bit, though I hate the idea of leaving him like this. I also definitely will make an appointment with my doctor for a blood test. Thank you for all the advice.

Relevant Comments:

To a longer comment addressing the fact that this could be a delusion and delusions can become violent:

OOP: Oof, this reply hit me hard. I appreciate it a lot. I’m very torn. I love my husband very much & am worried about him right now, but I feel increasingly uncomfortable at home as well.

Commenter (replying to OOP): This is not an urgent enough response to what seems like a pretty serious delusion. This behavior isn't normal or explicable in reasonable terms. 

OOP: Fair.. It is very unlike him. I might call my mom, ask her if I can stay with them for a bit. If only to get all of this sorted. I just want him to snap out of it. I miss my husband as I know him.

Commenter: Would he harm you if he thought you got an abortion? Because that’s a possibility. He may accuse you of having an abortion if you get medical confirmation that you’re not pregnant after he’s decided that you are.

OOP: I hadn’t even thought of that, sorry. Thanks for your reply

Commenter: The first time I got pregnant my husband knew before I did. He had a feeling. Home test said negative but a blood test showed positive

OOP: Oh my, that’s wild. Either way I’ll meet with my gyno, if only to have some conclusive proof that I’m not.

Mini Update 1 in Comments: August 7, 2024 (next day after edit)

Things escalated yesterday. But I’m with my mom & his parents are at our place.

Update Post: August 9, 2024 (2 days later, 4 from OG post)

Hi everyone, I hope it’s okay I post this update. I really appreciate everyone asking if I’m safe, and I am.

I wish I could give clear answers but I can’t.

Things escalated when I tried to speak to him, keeping some of y’all’s advice in mind. I sat him down and explained to him that I’d love to have kids with him in the future but that I’m not pregnant right now, and that his insistence worries & scares me.

I told him we could go to the doctor together if that would put his mind at ease, or I could take another test in front of him. (I was just hoping to snap him out of it somehow.)

He got very agitated, said many hurtful things & accused me of being a liar many times. That I’m trying to keep our baby away from him, and so on. Nothing made sense & I wasn’t feeling safe anymore. I knew my husband would never harm me in any way, but that wasn’t my husband.

Things got worse, he did hurt me but nothing permanent or even emergency care-worthy. I also know that if he was in his right mind, he never would’ve done anything like this.

I called mine & his parents and I’m now staying with my mom. He did seem to calm down a bit when his parents arrived.

I haven’t seen/spoken to him since then. His mother - she’s an angel - is keeping me posted about everything. We all agree something is very off about him, and we don’t know what it is. But he hasn’t agreed to getting himself checked out in any way. I don’t know how they’ll go about it, but they say - and I painfully have to agree - that it’s best to keep my distance for a bit, as most of it is aimed at me.

I’m safe, so is he. I miss him so much & just want an answer as to why he’s being like this. I keep trying to figure out if there were signs before, or what I did wrong.

Thank you all for the replies, they were a great help. It’s so kind you cared to ask if I’m safe.

Relevant Comment:

Commenter: Let's pray it's not drugs, since he refuses to get checked out :/ I'm so sorry OP, I hope everything gets better soon. I don't know if going back to him is a good idea tho, he physically hurt you.

OOP: I do think that whatever is causing this, is the reason he hurt. We’ve been together for some years now & he’s never even raised his voice at me up until this.

OOP responds to many commenters and thanks them.

Thanks. I’ve been reading all the comments, you guys are all so kind to me. But I’m scared shitless about what it could be, reading everyone’s experience

Mini Update 2 in Comments: August 11, 2024 (2 days later)

He has apparently agreed to get himself checked out, but I haven’t heard anything else

Mini Update 3 in Comments: August 15, 2024 (10 days from OG post)

He’s in the hospital. Many people were right about it being a medical issue. I’ll get more into it at some point (maybe), but first need to see what’s going to happen with him.

I’ve seen him a couple of times. Sometimes he’s his normal self, sometimes he can’t stand the sight of me. We’re managing somehow.

Update Post 2: August 16, 2024 (11 days from OG post)

I don’t know if anyone will see this here, but you’ve all been so kind to keep asking whether or not we’re okay.

I hope I’ll reach you like this. I’m going to keep this short.

My husband has a brain tumour. A lot of people commented this, and I feel an immense amount of guilt that I hadn’t considered it till then. All the headaches & other symptoms - in hindsight - we had previously dismissed because of his stressful work situation & so on. I’m beating myself up that I hadn’t seen it before.

A wonderful team of (neuro)surgeons, oncologist & other physicians is fig...

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Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ou0qea/final_update_my_husband_32m_is_convinced_i_26f_am/

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2025-11-11 05:00:25+00:00.

---

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is ThrowRA__538. She posted in r/relationship_advice

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old

Thanks to u/nursechai for the rec!

Trigger Warning: infidelity; generally unstable behavior

Mood Spoiler: sketchy but OOP will be ok

Original Post: October 25, 2025

I (28f) recently found a post of my boyfriend (29m) on a local "are we dating the same guy?" page. We have been together for five years. There were several comments on there of girls stating they texted him/went out with him and I couldn't tell if this had happened recently or if it could have been from a long time ago.

So I commented on it anonymously asking if anyone has talked or hooked up with him recently and a girl responded saying she did and asked if I did as well and if I had any "tea" on him. I probably should have said I was his girlfriend, but I was so embarrassed I couldn't, and worried I wouldn't get any information so I just said he told me not to talk or sleep with anyone else and he wouldn't either but that we never hooked up. She responded back claiming he said the exact same thing to her. I then asked when they last hooked up and she never responded back.

My boyfriend then comes home and is furious, slamming doors, giving me dirty looks, but won't say anything to me. I know he knows I was the one who anonymously posted because I had suspicions that he had been cheating on me and have recently been asking him, and he denied doing so.

I then go back to the post and all of her responses are deleted so I know she told him, and I'm sure he told her to delete them, but he's pissed at me for it.

Anyway, what are my next steps? Do I confront him about it or just wait and see if he says anything?

Also, we rent an apartment together and are on the same lease so that makes things even more complicated.

Some of OOP's Comments:

International-Arm790: (Top Comment) You break up with him duh. How much time is left on your lease

OOP: Oh I am, I'm just wondering if I should even say anything about it or just let it be. A little over five months

raerae1991: Leave him, why do you need a confession from him, you already know what’s going on

OOP: I guess I want some kind of closure, although I don't think him admitting to it will give me that anyway. Plus he'll probably lie so it's just my own delusions wanting him to realize he's wrong. It's definitely over between us.

MightySD69: Talk to whoever owns the lease and tell them you need to move out. And make sure you move out cause he has been cheating on you the whole time. Get an STD & HIV test done asap. Do take steps to get away from him asap have an exit plan. Don't try and forgive him no need to confront him you know what he did. Can you go stay with your parents if yes take your important things and go. And tell all friends he cheated so they know.

OOP: I will reach out to them first thing on Monday. Thank you for your advice

Mkheir01: Haha he's acting all mad you made his side piece break up with him. LOL.

Just leave.

OOP: It would be funny if I didn't feel so disrespected, honestly. He's more mad about her finding out than me...but yeah it's definitely time to go

bravo-echo-charlie: Could he have been the girl that asked the questions? Like he made a fake profile? Only asking because I know that was a problem in my local AWDTSG group!

OOP: I don't think so, I know with the local page they make sure that your page is real, you're a woman, and you have to have lived here for at least three months before allowing you access to the page We moved here six months ago. And the original post I found was from over a month ago with several women commenting on it claiming they had either talked to or went out with him.

To another commenter:

I totally agree, but we have only lived here six months. Not sure what benefit would come from over 10 women claiming they have interacted with him in some way and all of them be lying. The photo posted of him was also a current photo and was from his hinge profile so that's damning in itself in my opinion

**t3hd0n: "**I know she told him"

You're also skipping the chance that might have literally been him stalking his own post

OOP: That is very true

t3hd0n: Also he might not even know you know, and hes pissed cause he just lost a side chick. Like the possibilities are high, let him stew in it alone lol

OOP: That's very true, I feel like he's probably torn because how could he actually bring it up to me on the off chance it wasn't me asking the question initially lol

To a longer Comment

OOP: He just knows what to do to hurt me and try to put the blame on me, previously, when this has happened I have always been the one to resolve it because I hate conflict.

I think he's just in a weird position because he doesn't know for sure it's me (although it's pretty obvious) so he hesitant to say anything about it because it'll blow his cover.

I am definitely getting checked on Monday and reaching out to my leasing office as well to see if I can break the lease early.

Update Post: November 4, 2025 (10 days later)

First off, I want to thank everyone for all of your helpful advice on my original post.

He did admit that the girl sent him a screenshot of the post and he was just upset because he didn't like a bunch of random people "knowing his business". But I also found out that he brought that same girl to our apartment when I was out of town a week prior and they had sex in our bed. Never apologized for it, but simply stated that if I came home when I said I was (I went to my mom's because we were in a fight and hadn't spoken in days and I decided to stay two days longer) then it wouldn't have happened.

We are absolutely over, and although he had begged me to forgive him for a couple days, he finally got mad enough at me because I wouldn't have sex with him that he left me alone. It's too expensive for me to break the lease, but we live in a two bedroom apartment so I am able to have my own space, or so I thought..

I woke up yesterday at three in the morning wondering where my dog was, as he sleeps with me. I get up and can't find him, but my ex's door is shut so I open it because I can hear my dog sniffing under the door to get out. There he is sitting on the bed with MY phone is his hand, going through it. After we had established that we were not together. I take it and look at the screen time information and he spent over 30 MINUTES in my saved passwords. So now I am actually concerned and very weirded out and may just ask my mom for a loan to break the lease because he literally creeped in my room when I was sleeping and took my phone to go through it.

Anyway, thank you to everyone for the comments and concerns and advice. Although I feel like I wasted many years with him, it was a growing experience and I will absolutely do better in the future.

Edit: I did also get STD tested as well, just waiting to hear the results back from it.

Some of OOP's Comments:

MakeItLookSexy_: I don’t understand how this woman went to your place and had no idea he had a girlfriend. Or just didn’t care??

OOP: He hid everything that would have pointed to me living here. All the furniture and decorations are his so the few things of mine that are out could be easily hidden. I figured that out when I found several deleted pictures of all of my stuff taken while I was gone as well.

Editor's note: This comment had some really good recommendations for OOP.

OOP: Thank you so much for this, I will absolutely be doing all of it.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-11-11 05:00:06+00:00.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ChickenWingPriest

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for going off on my friend for getting mad at me because I won't hang out with his cheater girlfriend?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Editor’s note: made small edits for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation

---

Original Post: October 5, 2025

I was asked by a friend of mine to stop by his place and grab some stuff one day a few months ago since I had a spare key. Nobody was supposed to be there since his girlfriend works at that time but when I got there her car and a truck I didn't recognize were in the driveway. Immediately assumed the worst and was right. Took a few pictures of the truck and car in the driveway then went in to confront her and she was half naked on the couch with another guy. Snapped a few pics and left before she could get dressed and chase me down.

Immediately called my friend and let him know what I saw. Met up and showed him the pictures. He was heartbroken but said he'd started to suspect things a few weeks prior so he wasn't too surprised. He confronts her and she gives the usual cheater BS. "It was a mistake. Only happened once. I love you he meant nothing!" However she couldn't keep up the lie and was forced to admit she'd done it with another guy a few months previously and that same guy I caught here with the night before when she was "staying late" at work but was actually at her side piece's house.

He broke up with her and kicked her out of his place. Seemed to be doing better until a couple weeks later he gets lonely and takes her back. Now they are together again and I've stopped hanging out when she's around. So I don't see him as much anymore. We had the following exchange when we met up for lunch and I'm wondering if I was too harsh. This isn't word for word but its the best I can pull from memory.

Him: Why don't you come over anymore? We barely hang out.

Me: You know why. I'm not hanging out with, or around, your girl. She's a cheater and I don't hang out with cheaters. Also she fucking hates me because I'm the one that caught her stepping out on you. Remember?

Him: She doesn't hate you. I forgave her. Its fine. So just come over tonight and we can hang out. She wants you over there too.

Me: Not happening. I hope you're happy with her but I think she's trash and I'd rather sit in a room by myself than pretend she's not a total piece of shit just so you can act like everything is ok.

Him: Why the hell do you care? She didn't cheat on you! (He was getting visibly worked up at this point and I was probably looking about the same.)

Me: Look. If you want to sweep this shit under the rug and keep pretending things are fine while she figures out how to get some side dick again without getting caught that's your choice. But I can never pretend that I didn't walk in on her half naked with another man. And I can't pretend that you aren't an idiot for taking her back when she obviously is going to cheat again and has no respect for you. Hell I have less respect for you for taking her back.

We sat in angry silence for a minute before I left and since then it's been mostly quiet. Got a text asking if I really think she's a horrible person and I replied "Yes she's a horrible person. I hate her and hope one day you're smart enough to leave her. But until then I'll be keeping my distance from you as well." And that's been about it. A few of our mutual friends hung out with them recently and they say its super awkward. My friend tries to get them to interact with her but they also don't like her. They're just too polite to say anything to his face about it.

So getting to the judgement I need. Have I been too harsh here? Was I an asshole for snapping at him like that after everything that happened? Should I have just played nice and just made excuses not to hang out instead?

Additional Information from OOP in the comments

OOP: For the record I understand that I'm not an asshole for wanting to distance myself from his girlfriend. I'm mostly worried about how harsh I was when we met up and got into our argument. That's where I think I might have crossed a line.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: Seems to me you could have been less harsh and more supportive. He doesn't need a friend when things are good. He needs a friend when things aren't good and who are there to support him. Yeah, he's an idiot but if he's a good friend, would he be there for you when you do something dumb? We sometimes have to do things we don't like to do, in support of something more important. So, perhaps less harsh and more understanding of how lonely and hard it was for him.

OOP: I'd agree that I could have been less harsh, but he will get no support from me when it comes to choosing to stay with her. He has every right to take her back. But she's not someone I ever want to be around and I'm more than happy to focus on my other friendships instead if that's how it's gonna be.

Commenter 1: Your reaction is completely understandable. You walked in on his girlfriend cheating, showed him the evidence, and now she’s back in the picture. Wanting to protect yourself from that kind of toxic energy isn’t harsh it’s boundary-setting. You’re not responsible for normalizing or pretending everything’s fine, and you don’t owe anyone the emotional labor of being around someone you have zero respect for.

OOP: I can't imagine being in a room with her for hours. He has to know it would be miserable for all of us but he's hanging on to this fantasy that we'll go back to how things were before she got caught. But that is never gonna happen.

 

Update: October 31, 2025 (nearly four weeks later)

UPDATE: AITAH for going off on my friend for getting mad at me because I won't hang out with his cheater girlfriend?

A month ago I came here to get some perspective on a potential falling out with a friend of mine over him taking back his girlfriend after I caught her cheating on him and she admitted to doing it multiple times. I stopped hanging out with him after we got into an argument over me not wanting to hang out with his cheater girlfriend.

Things played out almost exactly how I figured they would and I'm feeling pretty validated in my disdain for his now Ex. After our fight my friend and I barely spoke to each other outside of a few texts. Then I got a call from him yesterday letting me know he kicked her out.

He told me he'd only taken her back after several weeks of her begging and promising to do whatever it took to win his trust back. One of the conditions of him taking her back was full access to her phone, laptop, and game console without complaint. He said at first she was happy to comply but after a few weeks he noticed her acting suspicious and when he went to check her phone she'd changed the passcode from the one they'd agreed on for him to get in. When confronted she started screaming at him and telling him she'd done enough to prove herself so he needs to back off.

He immediately dumped her and kicked her out. Said she immediately backtracked and tried to hand her phone over when she realized he was serious, but the damage was done. Said he was almost relieved she acted like this because it made the decision easier.

I came over and helped him move all her stuff into boxes for her to pick up. I wasn't there when she came to get everything but his sister was there and had to get between them because his ex kept trying to kiss him "one last time" while awkwardly dragging boxes of her stuff out to her car. I'm sad I didn't get to be there. Apparently she ugly cried most of the time.

I'm gonna head over to his place after work to drink and play video games to get his mind off things. He's a dumbass, but I think he's finally learned his lesson about her. I just hope his next girl is loyal. And doesn't talk so goddamn much during movies.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You're a damn good friend. I hope he appreciates you.

OOP: I'm splurging on the good pizza and beer tonight. He'd better appreciate it!

Commenter 2: NTA, it's too hard to look her in the face while she's destroying your friend. He came back and he knows you're a good friend.

OOP: More importantly he knows he's a dumbass. But he's a lovable dumbass.

Commenter 3: NTA. You shouldn’t be forced to hang out with people you don’t like or respect and I’m glad he finally has the blinders off. You sound like a good friend who was watching his back but sometimes people in love or lust are really dumb and you just have to be there to pick up the pieces. But, the fact that she talks during movies would’ve been a deal breaker. That’s just wrong.

OOP: If there weren't explosions and fight scenes on the screen she'd immediately get bored and try and talk to people about random stuff. It was so bizarre. She'd even do it with movies she picked!

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-11-11 05:00:02+00:00.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/madp1865

My [20F] boyfriend [20M] changed his relationship status on Facebook from "In a relationship" with no specified person to "In a relationship" with a girl that is not me

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

MOOD SPOILER: disgust at the BF

Original Post - rareddit May 24, 2016

I feel really terrible right now.

"Michael" and I have been dating since April 2010 (we started dating when we were in eighth grade), so for just over six years now. Up to this point, we have had an amazing relationship. We are each other's best friend through and through. We've definitely had our ups and downs, but we've never officially broken up. We've always worked through any issues we had. He's never given me a reason to distrust him until now.

We go to different colleges. We are about six hours apart from each other for most of the year. Spring break of last year (freshman year), I went to his college to visit him, and I met his friend "Kayla" [20F] who was very close to him, yet he had never mentioned her before. I wasn't expecting him to--I'm not that jealous girlfriend that won't let her boyfriend be friends with other girls--but given her behavior, I thought that me not knowing about her was suspicious. She was very nice to me, but she was openly flirty with Michael, even in front of me. She was touchy with him, she made suggestive comments, etc. Michael always looked extremely uncomfortable, and he never flirted back, but he never told her to stop, either. Several days into my visit, I confronted him about this. I asked him if she knew I was his girlfriend. He said yes. I told him that her behavior was crossing the line and that he needed to set boundaries with her, starting with telling her to cut it out. He apologized and said he would. After that, Kayla stopped flirting with him in front of me, but the day I left to go back home, she said one thing to me, and I remember her exact words: "You know, there was no need to worry. Don't you trust him?"

That kept swimming around and around in my head for weeks on end. She said it so cattily. And it was coming from her, of all people. I tried to shake it off and not think about it, but it was really hard. She just said it in a way that sounded so..."I know something you don't".

I told Michael about it and he said not to worry about it, she was always saying things like that. I kept pressing it, but he insisted that it was nothing more than just a jealous comment. So I dropped it.

Time passed. Kayla added me on Facebook and I accepted just to be friendly. This was when I started seeing a lot of posts about her and Michael that never came up on my feed before because Michael never posted about things they did together. They went to the movies together, they went to games together, they went to concerts together, they went everywhere. In every post Kayla added a caption that had a nickname for him in it. I could tell it was a special nickname because she used it every time. In the pictures, I saw that Michael always looked silently uncomfortable. He always had a weak smile on his face. I know his uncomfortable facial expression and he was always wearing it in those posts. I felt somewhat paranoid but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to come off as the jealous girlfriend who can't trust her boyfriend because he has a close female friend. I also didn't unfriend Kayla because if I did I felt like drama would ensue.

About a half hour ago, I was scrolling through Facebook, and I saw that Michael changed his relationship status. Before it was "In a relationship" without any specific person mentioned. Mine is the same way. Now it said "In a relationship with ____". That blank was Kayla.

I felt like my heart dropped down into my stomach. The post was made ten minutes before I saw it. There were already several comments on the post. I clicked to look at them. The first few comments were people saying "Congratulations!" and "About time!" and things like that. I don't know any of the people who made those comments. The second to last comment was Michael: "......a joke guys. A joke. Don't take Kayla seriously. Kayla, I hate you." The last comment was Kayla: "Hahaha awwww, sweetheart, don't be in denial. ;)" Ten people liked her comment.

I stared at that post for what felt like an eternity. Then I checked my phone. I have several texts, all from my friends and one from my mom, dad, and sister each, all of them asking me why Michael changed his relationship status. I haven't answered any of them yet. Michael hasn't texted me.

Two things.

Is he cheating on me, or is this just a joke as he said?

If he is cheating on me, what do I do?

tl;dr: my boyfriend changed his relationship status on Facebook to say that he is in a relationship with a specific girl, not me, that has a "friendship" with him that makes me paranoid. Is he cheating on me, and if he is, what do I do?

edit: Michael is home for the summer, so I went over to his house. I knocked on the front door. Kayla opened the door. Wearing a bathrobe.

Kayla lives four hours away from us. A state over.

I asked her what the hell she was doing there. She smirked and said Michael wasn't home. I told her she didn't answer my question. Her reply was "I'm visiting for the week."

I didn't have anything to say to that. I felt absolutely destroyed inside. I turned around without another word and started walking back to my car. She shouted after me "Sorry things had to end this way!"

Fuck her. Who the fuck is she to say that to me?

He was cheating on me.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

iloura

I applaud you for your self control. That girl is hideously immature, and he is downgrading severely. I would have beaten her to a pulp and enjoyed it.

OOP

Believe me, I want to rip her face off, but I could see her putting "my bf's crazy ex tried to kill me for no good reason lololol" all over fb if I did something

FINAL UPDATE Posted May 25, 2016 (Next Day/Same Post)

edit 2: Michael came to my house. When I opened the door I found him crying his eyes out.

I asked him what was going on, and this was all I heard until I closed the door on him.

• He slept with Kayla just before they left for winter break freshman year.

• She was indeed visiting him and he didn't tell me because he didn't know how to. When I went to his house to talk to him, he was indeed home.

• He was very very very very (many verys) sorry.

I don't even know what to say to anyone in my real life about this. My parents aren't home. My sister isn't home. I haven't told any of my friends.

Any advice now that it is true he cheated on me?

small edit: I just texted him "It's over." So I've dumped him.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwRAahboyfriend

My boyfriend displayed my nudes on a wall of women he and his friends have slept with. I feel like my life has been ruined.

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Misogyny, body shaming, slut shaming, revenge porn, ineffective police, betrayal

Original Post - rareddit May 21, 2020

This all just happened one hour ago so I’m really shaken. Sorry if it’s too long.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and 4 months. We met at the college that we go to. My parents live in the same city where our school is, but my boyfriend lives about 6 hours away. When school is in session we both live on campus. I haven’t been able to see him since it closed due to covid and we had to go home.

Some background. My boyfriend has a group of friends in his hometown that I’ve never liked. They’ve been friends since high school, and believe me when I say that they still belong in high school. Two of them are brothers from a rich family who don’t work or go to school. They spend their days smoking weed and playing video games. One of the other friends is in the military and the 2 last friends and as well as my boyfriend are in college (but all go to different schools). It’s pretty rare that they’re all home at the same time, especially with the one being in the military he’s away a lot. My boyfriend is really protective of the time they have together. I’ve spent a lot of time with these guys because every time I visit my boyfriend’s hometown I see at least the two brothers.

You may be wondering why I don’t like these friends. For one, they don’t believe in girlfriends. My boyfriend is the only one in the group who has been in a relationship for longer than a few months. They think women are good enough for sex and not much else. I’m not putting words in their mouths. One of them literally told me to my face. I’m very outspoken so they hate me because I call them out on their bullshit. It goes without saying that it’s basically their mission to convince my boyfriend to dump me. Whenever there is an issue between his friends and I, he just tries to stay out of it. He doesn’t stand up for me. I hate who he becomes when he’s trying to impress those assholes. The majority of our arguments have been a result of him allowing his friends to treat me like shit. They’ve been rude or blatantly ignored me. My boyfriend is the calmest, sweetest, most wonderful person (or so I thought). I never understood why he kept them around when it was so clear to me that he had outgrown them. It appeared that they had pretty much nothing in common. I see now how alike they are after all.

For the record I knew I should have held him more responsible for his friends. However, it was just too easy to put them out of my mind. They were only ever an issue if they were outwardly rude to me during one of the few weeks per year I hung out with them. The rest of the time he was a really great boyfriend. I never imagined him hurting me this way.

Back to the story. The two brothers live in a house that’s detached from the main one their parents live in. It’s where they all usually hangout. I’ve been there many times. It has its own kitchen and everything, it’s literally a smaller house. They also have a basement that I’ve only seen a couple times because it’s their “man cave” I never cared to enter anyway. I had no idea, but apparently down there all of the friends have this wall that has their names on it and pictures of the women they’ve each fucked lodged below. Apparently not all the pictures are sexual but there are mostly nude pictures because they have this sick point system like it’s a game and they get more points if the picture is a nude. I guess all of the pictures look like they were taken with the knowledge of the woman in the photo but I doubt any of them knew it was going to be fucking tacked up on display. They’d been doing this for years. I’m disgusted and horrified and devastated because I had no idea this is the type of man I was with.

I found out because I’m friends with the sister of the two brothers and she saw the wall herself. She reached out to only me because I’m the only one she knows personally. She said that my boyfriend had the least amount of pictures by his name.

She showed me the picture of me he had tacked on the wall. It was a full body nude I had sent over a year ago. Thankfully it does not have my face in it, but I have a tattoo on my thigh that makes it very obvious the woman in the picture is me. I would never consent to let those guys see my body that way. I let my boyfriend because I trusted him. I feel shocked, embarrassed, betrayed, violated, objectified, and a little frightened.

I called my boyfriend, I admit, in hysterics. It took many attempts before he was able to understand what I was saying. He at first denied the existence of this wall, then he admitted it exists but he didn’t use a real picture of me, he used a picture of someone else and pretended it was me. I told him I’d seen the pic and KNEW damn well it was me. Then he started sobbing hysterically begging for forgiveness. Then he was annoyed at me for being so upset and asked what’s the big deal, since I’m “hot” anyway. I just hung up because I can’t talk to him. I can’t look at him. I feel physically nauseous thinking about what he did. How he could not only share my nudes with his friends who look down on me, who treat me badly for being a woman. He allowed those men to have access to my body. I have never been so wrong about a person.

I could never forgive him. I think I may want to press charges if I can get the sister to send me more pictures of the wall, but I’m sure my boyfriend has alerted his friends so they could be taking it down as I type this. I’m heartbroken. I don’t know how I’m gonna tell my family because they’re very conservative. They don’t even know about my tattoo. I’m so ashamed. I don’t know what to do.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DearFlamingo4

"He at first denied the existence of this wall, then he admitted it exists but he didn’t use a real picture of me, he used a picture of someone else and pretended it was me. I told him I’d seen the pic and KNEW damn well it was me. Then he started sobbing hysterically begging for forgiveness. Then he was annoyed at me for being so upset and asked what’s the big deal, since I’m “hot” anyway."

This part disturbed me more than the rest. The fact that he didn't just fess up straight away but went through the entire list of excuses shows he has no actual remorse. He may seem like a sweet guy but he's obviously not. He and his friends are just a group of losers.

OOP

I can’t believe that this is the man I loved. I don’t know him. They’re all terrible people.

~

strawberryslurp

You SHOULD press charges. Even if you only have the picture of yourself. And if you haven’t already BREAK UP AND BLOCK this guys ass. Along with all these other guys. I’m so so so sorry this happened to you. You should take legal action if that’s possible. What a horrible thing for these boys to do. Absolutely disgusting.

[deleted]

What the fuck is this

And they have a sister too. Do they not care about her? Do they think she is only good for sex too?

This is fucked up on so many levels. Hope these photos were not shared online.

OOP

I sent them to my boyfriend over text. It bothers me even more that they went through the effort to print them out. I have no idea if there are any awful things he’s done that I haven’t found out about. I want to throw up.

OOP when told to tell her parents

I don’t know how my parents would react. Telling them is what I’m most afraid of. They’ll be so upset I even took the picture.

&

I think my mom will never forgive me. She’s very religious. My dad is less strict than her but he’s anti premarital sex. He and I have gotten really close recently but I think this will ruin that forever

Update - rareddit July 26, 2020 (2 months later)

I wasn’t prepared for it to blow up as much as it did. Thankfully, aside from a few slut shaming messages or creeps pming for nudes, the majority of the messages I received were so wonderfully supportive that it motivated me to make some big decisions I will get to momentarily. I’ve even become friends with a few redditors who reached out through my post. I thought I’d give an update on this situation for those who have been asking as my small attempt at a thank you. I’m sorry if it gets removed again.

So the first thing I did was tell my family what happened to me. I separately told my mom. She was not angry at me like I had feared, not even after learning about my tattoo. She hugged me for a long time and we both cried. Then I had to tell everyone else. My dad was upset with my ex, but later he apparently...

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/luuakij

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (32F) boyfriend (36M) of 8+ years won't marry me

Mood Spoilers: ultimately positive

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Original Post: September 10, 2025

I've been with my boyfriend for 8.5 years, and we've been living together at his apartment for 5 years. Like any long relationship, we've had our ups and downs, but in the last 2 years everything has been great. I know he is my person and I am his.

He's a great guy (not just to me, but to friends, family and strangers), cares a lot about me, shows affection, communicates well, has financially supported me while I finished my degree, and we have a great time together, both on a daily life basis and on special events like travels and all.

We pretty much are already living a married life (without kids), but that alone doesn't fulfill my dream of marriage. I want a celebration of our love, I want to share this moment with our friends and family, I want to be a bride and plan this major life event with him, and I have voiced this to him a few times.

A few years back he was unsure of our future together, but we worked on our relationship and are in a great place, so now when I talk about planning a wedding and marriage he seems to be onboard with it, at least he entertains my thoughts, but so far I haven't seen a ring.

I've kind of given him two ultimatums: I won't invest any money in buying a bigger place together if we're not married (we've been cramped in his bachelor pad for the last 5 years and are getting tired of it) and I won't celebrate double digits of being boyfriend and girlfriend, but even that seems like too long of a stretch now.

But honestly I don't think I have the courage to walk out of an otherwise perfect relationship, so I just keep dragging this and building resentment with every anniversary, with every time I see the surprised faces of people who ask how long we've been dating and with every wedding of people in our circle.

I just feel stuck while everyone else around us is moving on with their lives. How do I get him to finally propose or at least admit he won't ever do it so I can be free of these bad feelings of uncertainty?

TLDR: I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years, living together for 5 years, we love each other and live a happy life together. I want to move forward with our relationship and get married, but he won't propose and I'm getting tired of waiting. How do I get out of this limbo place?

Edit for clarification and things that have come up in the comments:

I'm not from the US, so maybe it's a wedding culture thing there, but where I'm from, we just love a good party, any party. When the reason for it is to celebrate the love and union of two people, it really brings people together in a very unique way, it always gets me emotional even as just a guest. That's what I love about it and dream of having as a bride. There's nothing to do with having a big fancy event to post on social media and live my Disney princess dreams. Even the ring thing, I was talking about it figuratively. It isn't a tradition for the men to get the fiancé an engagement ring, this just got popular here recently. Usually they both get their wedding bands and wear it on the right hand till the wedding.

Legally, I'm sure there are differences between my country and the US, but marriage pretty much affects the same aspects of our lives. Even roommates have contracts, their names on a lease or something. I don't have any legal ties to him right now. I understand some people can live together for many years without it, but for me, this is important to feel secure about our future together.

About kids: since the beginning I knew didn't want any, and he didn't have a strong opinion about it and was ok with anything I decided.

We still talk about having kids, to check on each other and see where we're at on this matter. I've been having second thoughts, and he is still onboard if I decide I do want to. But that's not the reason I'm upset I'm not married after 8 years together.

I haven't asked him directly if he wants to get married and why recently, so I haven't gotten a straight answer since a few years back when it was a no. I've been just casually touching on the subject to try to get a glimpse of where he's at, and he seems positive, acknowledging that we are in a much better place now that we worked on those issues.

So after reading all the comments (that I really wasn't expecting to get!), I realized the next logical thing is to have a direct and honest conversation with him, I just need to figure out how to approach it. We have a big trip coming up next month, so I'll probably wait after that. Thank you all so much for your input and advice, I appreciate all perspectives!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Maybe you try proposing him? That way you can know he's up for it atleast. Since you've constantly raised this multiple times and still no luck.

OOP: I've thought of this, but honestly I think I would resent him more. I don't specifically care about gender roles in this, but being proposed to would give me the certainty that he also wants this and is not just rolling with it.

Commenter 2: Really? Why ask at all? You have your answer. He won’t do it. You’ve seen countless posts from women here who just want a self fulfilling party for themselves. Maybe he doesn’t want the wedding. He doesn’t want the expense. He doesn’t want to waste money on this event that only aggrandizes you and fulfills your dreams. What about his dreams? Maybe he dreams of never being married because marriage is just paper. You’re already in the best relationship and you’re going to ruin it because you need more. He’s happy, clearly. But you want more. It’s not enough. He’s happy, you’re not, so go find another man.

OOP: I don't know what I said that gave you the impression that I just want this self fulfilling party, so let me clarify:

Weddings are my favorite type of event because friends and family come together to testify and celebrate a couple, not just the bride. No birthday, graduation, or any other major event in life can top that feeling and that's what I dream of. It doesn't matter if it's a huge destination wedding or a small gathering in our hometown, the purpose of the event is what matters to me. It's not a money issue.

I don't think people in a relationship need to have the exact same dreams, but they should be supportive of each other. If he ever mentioned he dreams of never being married, I would know we're not compatible, but that's not the case.

I won't even get to the "marriage is just a paper" thing because it's not. He could walk out of our relationship today with no major implications to his life. Not so easy to do that with 'a paper' signed.

Commenter 3: Doesn't seem that "communicates well" works well here for either of you.. he should be able to have a conversation with you on how he sees this long-term and you shouldn't give him ultimatums for something like this. Did you ask him honestly what's his view/plan?

OOP: I mean we communicate well in general.. we talk openly about our feelings, sex life, finances, relationship to others, etc. But on this specific topic I haven't been so direct. Both "ultimatums" were said more like a joke to see his reaction, and he just played along with it.

Having conversations about long-term plans, like buying a house or having kids gives me the impression that he sees us together long enough to fulfill these plans, but we haven't had a serious conversation about marriage in a while (2 years at least). I think I'm avoiding it because I'm afraid to pressure him, so I keep just casually/jokingly mentioning it and trying to read the signs of his responses.

Commenter 4: You don't mention here why he doesn't want to get married, or what he says when you bring up marriage, besides "a few years back he was unsure of our future together." I feel like this is very relevant information.

OOP: Four years ago we were not so good but just living with it like everything was fine. Everything came spiraling down when I finally asked him about future plans for marriage, so we couldn't just ignore it anymore and he said that he wasn't happy with how things were between us, so he could see himself in a lifelong commitment with me. That was a really hard conversation, but we both worked to better ourselves and our relationship and are in a great place now. Since this, he has never said he doesn't want to get married. I haven't asked him directly like this again, but we talk about future plans like buying a bigger place together (that's when I said I won't buy anything while I'm legally single, and he agreed).

Commenter 5: Do you want children or just to be married? I ask only because if you want children (and he doesn't), then it is especially unfair not to progress the relationship forward (or end it) at this point. If children aren't a factor, then you really need to decide if a wedding is worth the relationship. You'r...

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Kyraenm

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

My friend's fiancé has been mocking me for years - I finally snapped and now I feel like I'm the problem

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse, bullying

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Original Post: October 2, 2025

For the past nine years, I've been a part of a very tight-knit friend group: my best friend, her fiancé, and my fiancé. We've always done everything together - holidays, birthdays, travelling, board game nights. I even work at the same company as my friend (we met in a different company, she followed me to the new one). We are even planning to buy land and live near each other (not anymore, but they don't know this yet).

But her fiancé has always mocked me. Things like "wow, what a fat ass", "you look like shit", "stupid". Over the years his comments have made me cry more times than I can count. I've brought it up with them many times. My friend has tried to talk some sense into him, and made him apologize a few times, but the conclution is always the same: "that's just how he is, he jokes and teases everyone, he likes when something interesting is happening". The thing is, he directs it at me the most, because I'm the "perfect target" - I actually react, unlike my friend who doesn't care. He makes me feel inadequate in the worst way - I feel so bad in my own skin when I see myself through his eyes.

I've tried everything they told me to do. Laugh it off. Ignore it. Pretend it doesn't hurt. I didn't want to cause drama. And honestly, I was afraid of losing them - they're my only close friends.

Two weeks ago, we went on a workation together, and as usual, he wouldn't let me fully relax and enjoy myself. But this time, I couldn’t swallow it anymore. I was already in a really bad place emotionally and physically - I'm tapering off psych meds that numbed me for over two years. Without them, I feel everything 100x more intensely. His mocking and "jokes" felt like a knife twisted in my heart. On top of that, I had awful nausea, brain zaps, and dizziness every day. Still, I pushed through: I went on the hikes, I cooked dinner, I made breakfast a couple of times. They knew how sick I felt.

But he just kept going as usual. He called me a "loser" because I hesitated to walk too close to the campfire (I was dizzy and afraid I would lose my balance). In the car after a hike, he complained that my friend was the one looking up restaurants "as usual", not me (even though it's untrue). I reminded them that I can't look at my phone in the car without getting sick, and he just said, "yeah, same as the rest of us". Later, when we got home, all I wanted was to lie down and relax - and he jokingly threw out "you never do anything" because I hadn't cleaned the pans (from the dinner I had cooked for everyone).

That's when I snapped. I told him how much his comments hurt me, how invisible I feel, and he barely listened and literally laughed in my face. My friend overheard everything from upstaits, and instead of supporting me, she said it was funny to listen to us "fighting over dirty pans". But by then it wasn't about dishes anymore - it was about everything. I raised my voice from sheer frustration, and instead of trying to understand me, they both dismissed me. I felt like I was losing my mind.

I ended up walking outside and crying - really crying - for the first time in years. Only my fiancé followed me out, hugged me, and told me we could just leave. So the next morning, we packed up and went home. They were in shock.

After that, I finally realized how different we really are. I'm naturally sensitive (maybe too much). They're the opposite. We're not compatible. I always feel like I have to hide my true emotions so I don't "ruin" their good mood or fun.

I tried to talk to my friend about it again afterward. She said there was no way she could've listened or comfortmed me that night because "I raised my voice". She hates conflict and "drama", so when someone shows strong negative emotions, she shuts down.

And she always defends him. Claims he isn't and will never be an emotional person. She repeats I shouldn't take his words to heart because he "treats me like a sister". So the message is always the same: I'm the one who should change. I should ignore him. Toughen up. Stop caring so much. But that's not who I am.

And honestly... why is he allowed to "just be himself", but I'm the one who has to change? At this point, I don't even think we're real friends anymore. I have started seeing a therapist, but I just feel so tired, sad and confused. I'm still scared of losing them, but maybe that would be a good thing.

EDIT: Wow, I didn’t expect this to get this many responses. Thank you! You have given me comfort and much to think about. To answer some of the reoccurring questions: my fiancé has defended me many times - he called out his behavior, insulted him (but softly), even had a sit-down with him once. But none of this ever had any lasting effect. My fiancé is gentle by nature and doesn’t like confrontation. He often suggested we make a change, but I was always too afraid of losing my friend.

As for why I have been friends with them for so long: it’s not like this all the time. They have many good qualities too. We share a passion for similar things - books, video games, travelling, cycling, trekking. We had a lot of fun together over the years, many good memories. They make me laugh. But almost all of these memories are tainted by moments of hurt, which I have been ignoring for the sake of keeping the peace. But I don’t want to do that anymore.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Your fiancés friend is a bully. Straight up. Even kids know that if you make a joke at someone’s expense and they categorically tell you it hurts them the only acceptable response is an apology. You friend sucks ass too. If my partner did half the shit hers did, I’d be on his ass to either change his behaviour or it’s over. Whether he was acting like that towards a stranger or someone close to me. The fact that she just expects you to put up with it is gross. You’re not being overly sensitive, you’re just at your wits end

OOP: Thank you.

I think she can't imagine how this makes me feel. And perhaps she is more like him than I realized. Just recently she revealed that she used to say what's on her mind to people and it didn't even cross her mind that someone could be hurt by her words. She stopped doing that after a year of therapy, but it's pretty telling.

Commenter 2: ”Tight-knit friend group”. Nope. True friends would never allow one of them to be bullied or insulted continuously.

Time to block them all and find real friends.

OOP: Deep down I know all of you are right - they are not true friends. And I am going to distance myself from them, but as to finding new friends... that feels impossible. I don't really know how. I find it hard to connect to people.

Commenter 3: I'm sorry, but these aren't the actions of friends. That's gone past the point of playful banter and into just straight up high school bullying.

Friends shouldn't be making their friends feel like shit. Even if he is just the type of person to playfully rib people (although from your descriptions of what he said, he's way past the point of playful ribbing), as soon as he found out that it was getting to you he should have stopped.

He's a piece of shit for treating you like that and your friend isn't any better. She's excusing it for the benefit of a quiet life for herself. She's ok with you being made to feel like shit but isn't ok with you standing up for yourself?

You don't need people like that in your life. I'm so sorry that happened to you. You're not too sensitive, OP, they're just assholes.

OOP: Thank you, it feels so good to see someone siding with me for a change.

Commenter 4: Also, if it's just about the dishes, why didn't they clean up after you cooked? Why is that your problem, when you cooked while feeling bad. And why is it OK for them to make fun of you for making sure you don't fall INTO THE FIRE, when they know you're off balance.

Was this trip your idea? With how you're feeling, I'm surprised you wanted to do that? Just wondered if you were pressured into going, to split costs and do a little of the cooking and cleaning. I hope the trips are generally shared work, but yhe mention of cooking and thrn expecting you to clean made me wonder.

OOP: This trip was planned and paid for months in advance, plus I didn’t know I would be feeling this bad after the withdrawal. My friend and fiancé cook and clean as well so I wanted to do my part too.

Commenter 5: She is not your friend. If I heard my husband once mock a friend or family member that would the last time he would do that. Do yourself a favor and stop being friends with them.

I wonder how he treats her when nobody is around.

OOP: I was thinking about this the other day. If the roles were reversed, I would leave my fiance immediately.

He does mock her often, but as I have mentioned, she doesn't really mind. And he treats her like a princess most of the time. I am beginning to suspect she likes that he is a "...

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Nannythrowaway00

AITA for firing my nanny after she didn’t correct people who thought she was my child’s mother?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: racism, parental alienation

Original Post Aug 24, 2021

Throwaway account and name changed for privacy.

I (35F) am Asian American and my SO (38M) is white. Our child (2) ended up getting all of my SO’s recessive genes and looks almost entirely white. This is a rather sore point for me since I often get mistaken for the babysitter. We have a nanny (Mary) (25F) who coincidentally has the same color hair and eyes as my child (very light, golden brown hair and greenish hazel eyes). Mary is great with my child and she seems to genuinely care about my child.

I work unusual and long hours (emergency physician) so I don’t really see my neighbors very frequently. Today, I happened to have a day off and ran into my neighbor while walking with my child. The neighbor said hi to my child and asked if I was the new nanny. I said no, I’m the mom. The neighbor seemed very confused and said that she had been under the impression that Mary was the mom. At first I was annoyed but assumed it was an honest mistake (a lot of people think this when they see them together bc of their similar coloring). However, my neighbor then told me that Mary was telling people she was the mom and that she had heard my child refer to Mary as “mama.”

I confronted Mary about this the next time she was over and she basically brushed it off and said she didn’t actually tell people that, she just didn’t correct their assumptions. I then asked her about my child calling her “mama” and Mary told me it’s short for Mary (her name isn’t actually Mary btw, but it is a name that starts with “Ma” also). I was really angry at that point and told her she was fired. She got very upset and started crying, saying she needed the money, that she loved my child, and that this was incredibly unfair. I stood my ground and she left. (I ended up leaving my child with my mom so I could go to work.)

My husband came home later and got angry with me for firing Mary without consulting him and for not having any backup plan for childcare. We are now scrambling to find a daycare or nanny ASAP and my mom has to watch my child in the interim. My husband thinks I overreacted and that I’m just sensitive to this issue bc our child doesn’t look like me. I do kind of feel like an AH now bc our childcare situation is a mess and Mary is out of work with no notice. But at the same time, it feels really sketchy to me that someone is masquerading as my child’s mother.

Edit- I want to clarify that my sensitivity doesn’t stem from the fact that my child doesn’t look like me physically, but the racial undertones that come with the automatic assumption that I (a POC) must be the babysitter. Most white adoptive parents are not mistaken for a babysitter while out with their POC children, but almost all POC parents of white passing children are assumed to be a babysitter, rather than either the adoptive or bio parent. I am bothered by the inherent racism in the fact that the vast majority of people assume that I must be a babysitter, despite the fact that my child is clearly treating me as a mother.

Another edit bc I want to defend my poor husband (just in case he stumbles upon this post). There is virtually no chance he is messing around with Mary! He also works long hours and barely has any interaction with her (I doubt he even knows her full name). The idea that they would be getting together behind my back actually made me laugh. He’s (probably justifiably) mostly upset about having to find last minute childcare, he’s not actually defending Mary.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

dish_spoon

NTA

The fact that your neighbour initiated a conversation with your child is a very good sign that they know your kid, meaning they've probably had multiple conversations with your former nanny. She didn't just brush off a conversation with a stranger, she deliberately (according to her version of the events) mislead this person into believing she was the mother. Even her defense of simply not correcting them doesn't make sense. There would be zero reason to not say you're the nanny. In fact, that even gives you an out to leave an uncomfortable situation ("I need to get them to a playdate/home to their parents/other activity"). Further, the neighbour has no reason to lie about overhearing her say this to multiple people.

That is extremely odd behavior on the part of the nanny. Beyond contributing to a misguided perception of you among your neighbours and being potentially confusing to your child, her actions demonstrate a lack of emotional stability and good judgement. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my (hypothetical) child in her care. Best case is that she's young and stupidly wanted to cosplay being a wealthy SAHM without considering how that would affect your family. You say she's otherwise a really good nanny, but that's a big red flag. Her motives aren't entirely clear, but she's definitely acting in her own best interests, not those of the child. The fact that her argument against being fired was that she loves your child is sort of the point. She does not seem capable of respecting appropriate boundaries.

Unrelated to my ruling: I would be curious if your nanny ever came on to your husband.

OOP

I think out of every possible scenario the most likely one is that she enjoys pretending she’s the SAHM wife of a wealthy doctor. The jokes on her though bc my husband and I owe a combined $400k in med school debt and the vast majority of our salaries goes straight to student loans.

~

Lucia37

Mary had a great opportunity by being the counter-example to the idea that POC's are always the nanny, and she chose not to take it.

She also is giving OP's daughter the subconscious message that white is better, or that OP might not be her real mom.

As a white person, I really want to take Mary aside as ask her why she thought either of these things was OK.

NTA

OOP

Thank you! This really captures the essence of why I was so upset. It’s not just the fact that people mistook Mary for the mother (bc while it is annoying, I’m not going to fire someone over a simple misunderstanding), it’s that she almost seemed to relish the idea that my biracial child was so white passing that it was inevitable that people would think my child was hers. I didn’t end my conversation with my neighbor with the intent to fire Mary, it was Mary’s reaction to my questions that caused me to become angry. She was very dismissive of my feelings when I told her it was upsetting to me and essentially said my child “looks so much like me so of course people will think I’m (their) mom.” Mary didn’t become contrite at all until it became apparent her job was on the line.

OOP had this repy to a downvoted Commenter about the nanny's dealings with the neighbors

I obviously wasn’t present during any of her interactions with the neighbors but Mary is very outgoing. My impression from the neighbor is that they see and chat with each other almost daily when they’re both outside on walks and my neighbor seemed very familiar with my child. It weirded me out that someone who sees my child almost daily for months has been under the impression for that entire time that the nanny is the mom.

OOP Updated Aug 25, 2021 Same post/Next Day

Update- I wasn’t expecting this to get so many responses, thank you for taking the time to respond. I noticed a lot of dismissive attitudes from non POCs in the comments. This is the very same attitude that caused me to become angry with Mary. She downplayed my very real reasons for being upset and additionally implied that my child just looked white. Part of being a good nanny for a biracial child is to help that child understand and be proud of their heritage. This post made me reflect on why I became so upset with Mary and realized that I had excused many micro aggressions by Mary because of her youth and her otherwise good relationship with my child. For example, Mary only ever gave my child the lighter skinned dolls (despite us having dolls of all skin tones), Mary joked about how much safer our neighborhood was than hers, Mary never gave my child Asian food (even though I would leave a lot in the fridge and encourage her to heat it up), etc. Maybe some of you will not understand the significance of such micro aggressions, but these sort of subtle actions shape the mindset of young children. That being said, I do sympathize with Mary’s financial situation so I will offer her some severance pay.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/carolinablythe31

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I think I am going to break up with my boyfriend

Trigger Warnings: mentions of sexual assault, manipulation, infidelity

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I think I did something wrong to another girl because I felt like she was threatening my relationship: December 13, 2020

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, but this issue happened a little before we were dating but it has been bothering me a little.

Before I met him, he had this friend, let’s call her Rachel. He and Rachel had known each other since they were 15, he told me that when he first met her, he had a crush on her but then switched schools and didn’t see her until freshman year in college.

In high school they weren’t very close, because Rachel was kind of “unreachable” for him, but in college they began a really close friendship, because we live far from campus and we take the bus to school, and they used to sit together all the time.

From what I know is that in February 2019, he confessed his love to Rachel, and she admitted she liked him as well but that she wasn’t ready for a relationship and she was hung up with another guy. And in March he and I started talking, I always saw him from afar and had a crush on him, but he was ALWAYS with Rachel.

We began casually dating in may, and everything was going so well until my boyfriend told me he had to sit with Rachel on the bus everyday now, because of something that happened to her. I don’t have the full details in this, but from what I understand is that one day at the bus, a guy sexually abused Rachel and she didn’t have any other friend in the bus so she went out to seek help from him.

As the angel he is, obviously he accepted, but I wasn’t very comfortable with this agreement between them. If I am being honest, I am a little jealous of Rachel, she is a very pretty and seems to be very nice girl, but as our relationship was very new I felt insecure about this.

Fast forward, I told him that he wasn’t allowed to sit next to her, ever again. And that the next day in the morning, he needed to chose, me or Rachel. He picked me, and I saw Rachel shed a couple of tears, and I felt bad, honestly, but we needed boundaries.

A couple of months ago I catch him messaging Rachel, asking about her current life status with quarantine and if she was still going to therapy. And then a couple of old messages between them, him being grateful about a gift Rachel gave him and him being so helpful with her.

I kind of feel awful about me just taking him away from her, but I felt we needed to set boundaries and for me Rachel is a potential danger to my relationship given the special bond between my boyfriend and her.

I have thought about apologizing to her about what happened, and clearing things up with him, he is so great to me that I feel awful about taking his friend away from him.

Relevant Comments

OOP responds to a deleted comment

OOP: While I appreciate you siding with me, he is not overly involved in her life, they talk once in a while and the gift was last year. She wasn’t using him for attention, what happened to her is genuine, the guy that did that to her has done it to at least other 3 girls.

But I do think that he has unresolved feelings for her

Commenter: Nor does OP have any obligation to be responsible for Rachel potentially being attacked. Rachel can always ask OP and OP’s bf to sit with her, instead of only OP’s bf. In that case, seeing as OP would be sitting alone on this dangerous bus, what if OP gets sexually attacked instead?

OOP: I have never cross words with Rachel, never. If I don’t sit with my bf, I sit with my brother, Rachel only had him and I took him away.

Because of quarantine and online school he hasn’t seen her, but I am afraid of what will happen when we come back to school

 

I need genuine advice on this, I don’t care if people here think I am an asshole, I know I am, but I want to make things right: December 13, 2020 (same day, 12 hours later)

So I went asking for advice in relationship advice and people were either “supporting” me or shitting me, so I am asking for honest advice.

Last year I met my boyfriend on the school bus, we go to college but we live far away and we take the school bus there, not now because we are taking our classes online.

I used to see him from afar, he was always with this very pretty girl, let’s call her Rachel, so I thought she was his girlfriend, so I never made and effort to talk to him, until my brother (who goes to the same school) started talking to him because he wanted to know if Rachel was single.

What my boyfriend, let’s call him Harry, told him was that he met Rachel when they were 15, and that he had a crush on her, but never made a move because she was “unreachable”. Then he switched schools and never saw her again until freshman year of college, were they became really good friends.

Later on he confessed his love to her, and Rachel admitted that she liked him as well but wasn’t ready to be in a relationship and that she was hung up with another guy, this was in February 2019.

In March we started being friends, and began casually dating in late June. Fast forward to September, he tells me he has to sit next to Rachel on the bus everyday now, because on the night bus a guy sexually abused her, and none of her friends go to the same bus.

So there goes my asshole move, after a couple of weeks I began feeling uncomfortable of them spending time together, specially because it felt like nothing had changed between them, even if they were apart for months. So I told him he needed to chose, me or her. The day after that on the bus he picked me, I saw Rachel shed a couple of tears, and I felt bad honestly, I can’t erase that image of her off my head.

I really thought he had stopped talking to her, but turns out that he was with her through the whole process of her therapy and her pressing charges against the guy. So by December she gave him this really fancy medical dictionary but he completely lied to me about how he got it. I just found out it was a gift from her, and plenty of messages between them in the last months.

I didn’t say anything to him, but I don’t know if he has unresolved feelings about her. Our relationship is strong I think, but I feel really insecure about it.

People on other subreddits think I should apologize to Rachel, because I took her only friend away from her, and also made my boyfriend feel bad about helping out a friend in need.

Today I talked to him about it, and he gave me Rachel’s phone number, but I don’t know what to do?

EDIT: my age is 21, my boyfriend and Rachel are both 20

 

Original Post: December 16, 2020 (three days later)

A couple of days ago I made a post about me feeling awful about prohibiting my boyfriend to be friends with a girl named Rachel.

Many people suggested I needed to talk to him about it, or that Rachel was trying to steal him away from me, because they are still very much in contact.

So I talked to him, and he told me that at first when we got together last year he was still a little hung up on Rachel, because he always thought that she was “the one” and then he said that he does speak with her regularly on the phone, because he misses her, but he says that she isn’t the one reaching out to him, is the other way around.

So I am just so mad at him, like he gets to be with me and also talk everyday with the girl he thought was “the one”? That is bullshit.

I am a mess right now, and I feel like I do have to break up with him, but at the same time I don’t want to do it.

But then I remember the cherry on top of the cake, the first one is that he never told Rachel he was dating me, she thinks we are just friends. And the second one is that he admitted that a month before we started dating he and Rachel constantly had sex in his car and basically everywhere. A fucking month!!!!

I am so so mad, I started packing in boxes all the stuff he gave me all of it, and tomorrow I am going to his house to end things. I hope I am doing the right thing.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You are. You definitely deserve to be “the one” for someone else. He can go back to Rachel.

OOP: Thank you! I know that them having sex before he started dating me doesn’t count as cheating, but it feels like it, it even makes me wonder if they were having sex the whole time we were together

Commenter 2: Babe, you know it’s over. You’re looking for a few internet strangers to back you up. I’m happy to be in that gang.

Let’s talk about good things! It’s a holiday season in most places, do you have nieces or nephews you’re making gifts for? Or holiday cookies? I’m not religious, but I love making those cookies where you do the fancy thing with a toothpick on the icing and it looks all professional.

There’s a world of stuff outside this dude, probably including a better dude.

**O...

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Brave_Kangaroo_591

My boyfriend of two years (31M) says he can’t marry me (31 F) because of something he found in my phone…

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: Verbal abuse, false accusations of infidelity

Original Post Nov 2, 2025

Hi everyone, sorry this is a bit long, I just want to give enough context.My boyfriend and I went out of town this weekend to celebrate our anniversary. We spent the day doing activities around the city and then went out to dinner. He’s not much of a drinker, but since we were celebrating, he decided to have a few drinks. When we got back to the hotel, he was definitely drunk, but I still wanted to enjoy the night, so we started watching TV. Out of nowhere, he suddenly said, “I went through your phone and saw that you cheated on your ex-fiancé. I could never marry someone like that.” He also kept saying “I’ve known for a long time, I just never brought it up. If you want to b with me you need to be honest.”

I was engaged back in 2014, and apparently he had gone way back through my phone and found old text messages and photos from that time. I’m a bit of a hoarder when it comes to messages and photos, I just never think to delete them. I have text messages going back to 2012. The thing is, everything he saw was from after my ex and I had already broken up. I tried to explain that, but he wouldn’t listen.

He started yelling and calling me awful names like “whre” and “btch.” He kept saying I was a terrible person and that he could never marry someone like me. It got so bad that when he went to the bathroom, I went downstairs and asked hotel security to help me get my things so I could leave safely.

Security came up with me, and even then, he kept trying to convince me not to leave. Security had to tell him several times that he couldn’t stop me if I wanted to go. I ended up going to a relative’s house nearby for the night.

Since then, he’s been texting me nonstop telling me I’m “not marriage material,” that I’m a bad person for leaving him there, and that he could never trust me.I’m honestly really hurt and confused. I’ve never cheated on him or on my ex, for that matter.

Does he have a right to be upset? Is this something worth trying to work through?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

QuietWalk2505

Rethink everything. Put it in consideration, don't marry someone like him. This dude is manipulative and controlling. Sorry, that happened to you

OOP

Thank you for being kind. I know I need to leave. I just needed to hear it out loud. I wanted to call a friend or family member, but I really don’t like getting them involved. I just needed to feel validated in my decision.

Update Nov 3, 2025

First off, I want to thank everyone who reached out with support, kind words, and even alternative perspectives even the tough or negative ones. ❤️ Your feedback truly helped me see things for what they were.

Now, for some context about what he found in my phone: back in 2014, I was engaged. He came across pictures of me with another man taken in early 2015 (someone who obviously wasn’t my fiancé). Since he didn’t know when my ex and I had broken up, he jumped to the conclusion that I cheated. I’m not saying that excuses his reaction, but I wanted to clarify the situation. It honestly just seems like self sabotage. He can honestly never let himself be happy in our relationship, it has always been like this, and I should’ve seen this as a red flag from the beginning.

When I got home on Sunday morning, I took some time to process everything and figure out my next steps. I followed your advice and called my mom and best friend, they were both incredibly supportive and helped me think clearly. I decided to go back to my hometown for a few days to give him space and time to move out. On Saturday night, during one of his angry text, he mentioned he’d be out of the house by Thursday. On Sunday night, I locked myself in my bedroom while he slept on the couch. I even kept my phone under my pillow, just in case but thankfully, everything was uneventful.

He leaves early for work, so this morning I packed my things and left. My plan was to stay gone until Thursday when he could move out. But I’ll be honest ( and I know some of you might shake your heads) I couldn’t leave without knowing I had proven the truth. I went through my Google Photos and old messages and found the final conversation between me and my ex-fiancé, which confirmed what I already knew: we broke up at the end of 2014. I never cheated.

So, I sent him a long message. I told him I was done and that I did, in fact, expect him to be out by Thursday. I also told him there was no undoing the things he said or how he treated me, and that I was finally at peace knowing I told the truth and that I hadn’t cheated on him or anyone else. I also included the screenshot of the final text message between me and my ex confirming the timeline.

He read the message and immediately tried to backtrack, saying, “We both hurt each other and need time to process things.” But there’s really nothing left to say. He was completely wrong, and now that he knows it, he’s trying to walk it all back. I’m not standing for that. He’s so delusional that he feels like he can gaslight me into believing that I hurt him in someway over something that happened a decade ago, and I didn’t even know him!

He did apologize for calling me out of my name, but that’s nowhere near enough. I feel strong in my decision to leave, knowing I did everything I could in that relationship. I’m so thankful for all of you who offered encouragement and advice during such a dark time it truly helped me find my strength again. ❤️ I know I probably should’ve just let him think whatever he wanted to, but I just couldn’t help myself. Now that I’m safe and away from him, I can answer any other questions you might have. I hope I didn’t miss anything?

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Nannyontheloose

AITA for not babysitting other kids even though I am a nanny?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: entitlement

Original Post March 17, 2022

Not on my main account because a lot of previous clients and friends follow me on there.

I(56F) have been a nanny to a couple, we'll call them Jenna(29F) and Mitchel(32M) for a few years now. They have been great people and I also like the pay since they're fairly wealthy they give me a big sum and I also love their kids. They have a boy(4) and a girl(5) who are really sweet and I look forward to seeing them.

On to the problem: Jenna and Mitchel decided to host a party at a restaurant they live close to, no problem for me, I'll watch their kids like usual while they have their fun. They're giving me the run down on things like the usual but then something odd they said was "and make sure the kids are ready to be picked up by 9:30pm." I thought this was strange but decided to push it to the back of my mind as they never said previously anything about other kids and only said that one statement ... maybe it was just a slip up.

About 20 mins go by and Mitchels and Jenna's friends come over to pick them up I'm assuming so I go over to meet their friends and their friends brought all their kids for me to babysit. There was at least 7 kids I saw. I pulled Jenna aside and asked her why their friends expected me to babysit their kids and to just get someone else to babysit them, as I only agreed to babysit HER kids.

She seemed taken aback and said she thought I wouldn't mind since I don't do anything else with my time anyways,(my husband died 11 years ago so I'm always by myself at home now.)which was true but this was never part of the agreement. Apparently all her friends were busy and couldn't come to the party because of their kids and to save money and time Jenna just offered to dump all their kids at her place for me to watch.

I got angry and said unless she's willing to pay me 7x the amount of money she pays me now, there's no way I'm watching 9 kids for the amount of time that they're gone(8 hours) and I just wouldn't be able to handle it. Her face changed from confused to frustrated and said I should be lucky I'm their nanny at all with the amount of money I'm paid and to be grateful and do this one thing as it's just one night she just wants to treat her friends to a nice dinner. I was shocked and didn't say anything else and just left their house.

Mitchel later called me cussing me out and saying how I humiliated them and embarrassed them with my actions and how they had to cancel everything last minute because of everyone's kids and I was a selfish stuck up lazy bitch for not doing this one time thing. I didn't say anything the whole way through until he was done talking and just hung up and now I'm really wondering if I messed up here...i really like their kids and they were great people before this incident.

AITA?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Slopez604

Nta. It's just business. You're following the established contract. If they didn't want to be embarrassed, they should have contacted you prior to renegotiate. And by the sounds of it, they don't pay you enough to turn turn blind eye this once in order to retain the job. "Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."

JuliaX1984

This was no failure of planning - they deliberately lied by omission to try to blindside her into accepting 4.5 times as much work without extra pay.

NTA Those were NOT the terms you agreed to, and they know it.

OOP

Yes, and they didn't say anything about hosting a party until that day. So they already set up everything prior to talking to me about baby sitting their kids. My guess is they wanted to already be too far into it and didn't tell me about anything so it would be too late for me to back out. Unfortunately for them, I have two legs, and can walk myself out of their lives.

SJ_Barabarian

They see her as an appliance, not a person. "The child-watching machine is acting like it has rights!"

OOP

I didn't even think of it like that! Good point...wealthy people do have a history of taking advantage of others.

~

ArrowTechIV

I am so confused. This is a "party" at a restaurant that lasts 8 hours? Then it ends before 9:30 pm? So it starts at 2 pm? And then they had to cancel everything because you wouldn't babysit -- but they hadn't cleared the "babysitting all the children" with you ahead of time?

That's just weird. If the restaurant and food were booked for an 8 hour time period -- probably on a weekend, which would include prime business hours -- then the lack of honesty and clarity here is odd. That's too big a commitment (probably a contract was involved) to just collapse.

OOP

Sorry for the misunderstanding! When they said they had to cancel, they had to cancel for going/showing up. With something that close and how they already booked everything prior, they couldn't cancel the actual even and still paid for everything. So not only did they lose a sitter, but also a lot of money!

ArrowTechIV

Wow! So they booked this big party and didn't give any thought to running the number of children past you? You are NTA.

OOP Updated March 18, 2023 - Same Post/Next Day

UPDATE(because I'm not sure how to actually update): I didn't expect to be posting an update so soon, as I thought they would both ghost me and we wouldn't talk again and they would find another nanny...I was wrong. Jenna called me this afternoon. Hoping for an apology, I picked up. She tried to guilt trip me into babysitting for her kids again, saying how there isn't another one like me and she didn't want a younger nanny because she didn't want the kids latching onto her and calling her mom and if anything wanted them to think of them as a grandma(what the fuck?). She then went on to say she was sorry and she was wrong for doing what she did and wanted me to come and be their nanny again.

I let her finish with her rant. After she was done talking, I said I was sorry she was that insecure about baby sitters her age and if she was that worried she should take her head out of her ass and focus on her kids rather than her business and even though she doesn't respect my time and effort I DO, told her good luck finding another sitter, and blocked her and Mitchel. I'm still having a hard time finding a replacement, but at least I'm free from the entitlement they showed.

I most likely would not have said all that and put my foot down If it wasn't for all the comments you guys gave so thank you! Really down played my self worth as a nanny because I'm a caregiver for years, so the boost really helped :)

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/WhiteishLlama

Originally posted to r/Advice

Old fling from 2010 added me on Facebook and I think her 15-year-old might be my kid.

Trigger Warnings: hostile workplace, mental health struggles, infertility struggles

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Original Post: October 31, 2025

Back in 2010, I was 20, working a retail job with a girl around my age. We were friends, hung out after work a few times, and one night things got physical. It was a one-time thing. A few days later she got fired, not because of me, just workplace drama, and after that she completely disappeared. Never returned calls, never answered texts, nothing. I figured she just wanted to move on. Life went on for me too.

Fast forward to now. I’m 35, married for eight years, no kids. Yesterday, I get a Facebook friend request from her out of nowhere. I haven’t thought about this woman in over a decade. Out of curiosity, I check her profile. She has a son who just turned 15.

Here’s the thing. The kid looks exactly like me when I was that age. Same hair color, same nose, same build, even the same smile (gap in our front teeth) I used to hate in photos. I showed my brother without saying anything and he said, “Dude, that looks like you in middle school.”

It also appears she married a guy a few years after our encounter. I believe they are now divorced. He is of a different ethnicity than me. They had a few children together and the 15-year-old appears not his.

Now I’m sitting here trying to figure out what to do with this information. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but the math lines up perfectly, and the resemblance is impossible to ignore.

To make things more difficult, my wife and I have been struggling to conceive for years. We’ve gone through tests, treatments, and a lot of disappointment. It’s been hard on both of us, and the idea that I might have a biological child out there that I never knew about is messing with my head.

My wife knows about that fling. She’s always known I wasn’t a saint before we met. But she obviously doesn’t know I might have a 15-year-old kid out there. I have no idea how to even start that conversation.

So I’ve got two problems:

1. Do I message this woman and ask straight up if her kid is mine? (she had to add me for a reason, right?);

2. and, more importantly, how do I even begin to approach the subject with my wife?

I’m not trying to blow up anyone’s life here. But if that kid is mine, I feel like I have a right to know, and he has a right to know too. I am in a position in life where I could greatly help him in the next few years (college, etc.).

On the other hand, I want to prevent causing a huge mess in my marriage.

Any direction or advice is appreciated.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: i almost would want to bring up the idea with the misses, first. then decide whether any contact about the kid is worth pursuing. i feel best to approach this, together, if you think that's what should happen.

OOP: This is kind of where my head is at. By principle, I do not talk with other women via social or text out of respect for my wife. I would want to tie her in on the entire exchange and how to move forward.

Commenter 2: 1) No. 2) No.

If you want to walk yourself into 15 years of debt for back payments of child support, go ahead and ignore me.

Also, if you want to get a divorce, ignore me.

If you don't want to be an idiot, don't touch this with a 10-foot pole.

"Hey, this kid has brown hair and brown eyes, just like me."

JUST LIKE SEVEN BILLION OTHER PEOPLE.

I'm amazed our species has survived this long with this deficit of common sense.

OOP: It was more the gap in the teeth that stood out to me. It’s genetic. My grandmother, mother, my only brother, and I have/had a gap in our two front teeth. The kid (legitimately) looks like a spitting image of me as a teenager. I understand why you would down play this, but the similarities are substantial.

 

Update: November 2, 2025 (two days later)

UPDATE: Reached out to the woman who might have had my child 15 years ago

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Advice/s/15od9edWMs

I made my original post here a few days ago and wanted to follow up since a few of you requested it.

Yesterday morning, I told my wife everything. I was nervous to even start the conversation, but I knew keeping it to myself was not fair to her. This year has already been extremely hard on her with ongoing mental health struggles, and I did not want to add more weight to her shoulders, but she deserved honesty.

She took it better than I expected. She was upset but calm and said she agreed the resemblance between me and the boy was too strong to ignore (In her words, “yeah, that kid has your teeth.”) We talked for a long time and decided I should reach out again to get clarity.

Later in the day, I messaged the woman on Facebook. I kept it brief and direct. I told her that I noticed her friend request, that I was not comfortable accepting it since I am married, and asked why she reached out. I added that if there was something important she wanted to discuss, I was willing to listen, but otherwise I preferred not to reconnect.

She responded shortly after my message. She explained that back in 2010, she had been seeing an on-and-off boyfriend around the same time she and I hooked up. When she found out she was pregnant, she believed the child was likely his and told him so. They stayed together for a while, and when they split up, he continued to pay child support.

According to her, he was never really involved in the boy’s life. Out of curiosity, I looked him up. A simple Google search showed a long history of legal trouble including multiple DUIs, time in prison, and other offenses. From everything I have learned, he was not much of a father figure.

Recently, his new wife began pressing for a DNA test because the boy did not resemble him. He finally agreed, and the test confirmed he is not the biological father. That discovery set off a chain reaction. He has now filed to terminate child support and is suing to recover the money he paid over the years.

I’m an attorney. From a legal standpoint, I know that is an uphill battle for him. It is extremely difficult to recover past child support once it has been paid. Courts tend to prioritize stability for the child over fairness to the adults. Without a certain father to shift the obligation to, meaning no one else has yet been legally established as the biological father, most courts will not vacate the original paternity finding. They do not want to leave the child without a legally responsible parent, even if the prior assumption turns out to be wrong.

Long short, it appears he willingly agreed to support the child 15 years ago without a paternity finding. He should have done his due diligence then. (On top this, he currently owes her almost $23,000.00 in child support arrearages.)

In my jurisdiction, that principle holds true as well. Overturning paternity this late in the game is nearly impossible unless another father is confirmed and willing to assume legal responsibility.

The woman told me that after the DNA results came back, she thought of me immediately and said I am the only other possible father. She also said she has already told her son the truth, that the man he believed to be his father is not biologically related to him. She said it has been difficult for him to process but she felt it was time to be honest.

She has not asked me for anything. She has waited almost 6 months to reach out to me. No money, no contact, no involvement. She said she only wanted me to know and that she is open to doing a DNA test whenever I am ready.

I have already discussed this with an attorney friend who is licensed in her state. He walked me through some of my options and explained the potential legal implications depending on how things unfold. I am considering those now.

My wife and I are still processing everything. This has been a long weekend. She has been more understanding than I could have hoped for, though I can tell it weighs on her. I am trying to balance the desire to know the truth with not wanting to disrupt a teenager’s life that is already unsettled.

For now, we are taking things one step at a time. The woman seems sincere and has not shown any signs of ulterior motives.

I will keep everyone updated once I decide what to do next, but for the sake of attorney-client privilege and everyone’s privacy, I may not post another update for a while.

PS: The woman did see my original post on here. This post has been heavily edited to include only the relevant facts and to preserve attorney-client privilege. I still felt an obligation to keep you all apprised since many of you gave sincere advice and helped me think clearly when this first surfaced.

As always, any help or advice is appreciated.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: If you decide to be in his life he probably needs therapy as he has already been let down by one father figure. Introducing you is not necessarily a bad thing as long as you take your cues from him.

OOP: We are 100% pro-therapy and mental health.

Commenter 2: I...

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Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1osao92/old_fling_from_2010_added_me_on_facebook_and_i/

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2025-11-09 05:02:39+00:00.

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I am NOT the Original Poster. That is LisaoftheRoses. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old.

Trigger Warning: discussions of miscarriage

Mood Spoiler: decent ending

Original Post: September 29, 2025

I (35F) am the Stepmother to two lovely ten year old twin girls who I adore. I have been married to their father (38M) for five years and we dated for two years before that. I consider myself very close to them and we always have fun whenever they stay with me and their father.

They recently asked what kinds of movies I watched when I was their age so it led to me digging out some old classics most notedly the Parent Trap. Of all the older movies I showed them this one was their favourite I think they got a kick out of seeing a movie about twins. They even delighted in the fact that in their opinion I look like Meredith Blake (it's the hair I think no way am I as gorgeous as Elaine Hendrix). It has become an inside joke of us with me often putting on her voice and acting the part while they fall into hysterical giggles. My husband has even gotten into it and playing the clueless Nick when we get into this playful spirit.

The girls are staying with us for Halloween, they alternate who has them on holidays and whoever has them for Halloween is in charge of the costume. The girls asked if I would do a group costume with them I was touched and told them of course, and asked them what they wanted to do. I should have seen it coming, they wanted to do the Parent Trap, with them as the girls and me as Meredith. I found it harmless and agreed. My husband found it funny and said he'd even dress as Nick then.

I got a call from their Mother today telling me she'd heard of the costume and she didn't approve that she felt it wasn't appropriate. I at first was touched and assumed she worried about their stepmother being portrayed as a wicked gold digger and told her it was fine it was just an inside joke that had occurred that sparked this. That wasn't the issue, she didn't think it was appropriate for me to do a group costume with her daughters at all and that it was clearly lazy and I was forcing it as why else would her daughters want to do a costume from an old movie?

I got rather upset here but tried to stay calm on the phone and I told her she might not approve but it was harmless and i'd been in the girls life for 7 tears at this point. My husband who was in the room during the call could see I was getting upset so took the phone off of me and began to get into it with his ex-wife. Telling her that she could have all the issues she wanted but it was an entirely proper costume for their age and it had been the girls who suggested it. Reminding her it was up to him what they dressed as this year and he'd approved of it. I got him to calm down as he was getting upset and the call ended rather tersely.

I just feel awful about this whole thing and I wonder if I should just bow out of matching the girls in costume if it will prevent further problems. I just know this will be a bigger thing down the line.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Final-Dirt-5250: NTA The girls' mother isn't upset about the costume; she's upset that her daughters love you enough to want to do a group costume with you. This is 100% about her own jealousy and insecurity.

Don't back down. The girls asked you, and it would hurt them if you pulled out now because their mom threw a fit.

OOP: I really don't want to back down, it means a lot to me that the girls asked me. I just worry that this could cause worse tension which could be bad for the girls. I also hate that she feels jealous and insecure as I think you're right there. I love the girls like they're my own but I will never replace their mother.

designatedthrowawayy: What do you value more? Making your husband's ex-wife happy or making the two little girls you helped raise happy and creating an awesome memory with them?

OOP: Obviously making them happy. It's not about making her happy exactly, it's more concern if I don't concede on this it'll make things harder for the girls in the longterm.

cherrycoloured: NTA, but im curious, when you say "old movie," do you mean the actually old one, or the one with lindsay lohan? bc if we are calling the latter movie old, im going to start shriveling up 😭😭😭

OOP: the 1998 movie with Lindsay Lohan i'm afraid! Trust me I know how you feel but to them it's old.

To another commenter:

Oh trust me I dislike it being called that too! but to 10 year old girls it's "old"

OOP is voted NTA

Update Post: November 2, 2025 (Over 1 month later)

Well, Halloween is officially over and I thought i'd give an update before I forgot.

Firstly, I've seen a lot of people wondering if I was the reason my Husband and his ex split up and i'd like to clear the air right now. No, they split up when the girls were 2. I came into the picture a year later.

Here is the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1nta8zg/aita_for_doing_a_group_halloween_costume_with_my

Things came to a bit of a head on one of the girls visits before Halloween. I pulled their Mother aside to talk about Halloween, I told her that I understood she might have mixed feelings about this but the girls wanted it and I didn't want to let them down, besides it was their fathers holiday and he was in charge of the costume as per their agreement for whoever had them on Halloween. I asked her if there was anything I could do to make this more tolerable for her as this wasn't doing the girls any favours.

She ended up telling me that no, there was nothing I could do as she didn't approve of it at all as it wasn't appropriate for me to do a group costume with them as i'm only their stepmother. Even if i've been in their life for seven years at this point. She then suggested I only wanted to do this in the first place because i'm using her daughters as a filler as i've been unable to have my own children.

This got to me, i've had three miscarriages over my marriage. One of which the girls know and by extension their Mother as we thought I was past the danger point when we told them. I told her she was being ridiculous and I wasn't going to talk about this with her anymore. After the girls left I broke down crying a little as having my miscarriages thrown in my face like that hurt and the implication that I only wanted to be close to the girls because I couldn't have my own children was so wrong. When my Husband found out what she'd said to me ended up calling his Ex asking her where she got off being so cruel. He also made it clear she is not to call me anymore and all contact is to go through him.

We got the costumes ready and we were prepared for Halloween. She dropped the girls off and informed us that one of the girls had a cold and she didn't want them out in the cold as it'd make it worse and seemed kind of pleased like this would put an end to our plans. When she left they tried to insist they were ok to go out even though they were sick but we weren't about to risk making them more ill so my Husband and I came up with another plan. We all got dressed in our costumes of course, we ordered Pizza and watched movies. All four of us greeted any trick or treaters so our costumes could be seen and we also filled a tub with water and had a bobbing for apples competition. It wasn't the night we had planned originally but all in all it was an enjoyable one despite the little hitch. That's raising kids though. Thank you everyone for all your feedback! I hope you all had a wonderful Halloween.

Editing to add additional information; a few people have been worried about the fact we bobbed for apples. The girls love bobbing for apples on Halloween and as we couldn't trick or treat we took precautions to ensure they could at least do one Halloween thing they enjoyed. We made sure the water wasn't cold with towels on hand to dry off right away and the one who was sick went last and the water was poured out after to ensure that the chance of the cold spreading about was limited.

One of OOP's Comments:

Ok_Wasabi8101: Was the kiddo actually sick? Bio mom gives straight high school mean girl vibes. I hope she grows up....

OOP: sadly yes, she was sniffly and had a bit of a temperature. She tried to insist she was ok to go out with her sister chiming encouragement but we didn't want the cold air to make her worse.