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It's the difference between feeling like doing it and having to fight every fiber of your being to stop yourself from doing it.
In the moment it's a pure instinctual reaction that you have to consciously ignore. Like touching a burning stove but not removing your hand. It goes against every instinct. Every rationality.
It's like everything in you wants to harm someone despite knowing it's morally wrong. It's a constant battle between instinct and conscious morality.
I WANT to hurt people. I CHOOSE not to. Because I understand my feelings are wrong. But the feelings are still there
I'm sorry, I didn't meant to undermine your experience.
I just can relate to a scary degree. Especially the "I don't do it because of the consequences, but I really want to do it"
What kind of doctor did you went to?
I didn't take it as undermining. It's a complicated thing to understand (took me years) so questions are understandable.
It was a psychiatric therapist at a mental hospital. We talked everyday for weeks with her asking me all kinds of questions and asking me to act out scenarios to assess my mental state.
She said it was obviously clear I had extreme issues with authority and rules (if the rule doesn't make sense or isn't fully explained I simply won't follow it and sometimes will go out of my way to make a show of ignoring/breaking the rule) and that I have violent tendencies (that was obvious at that point I just didn't know why).