Comradeship // Freechat

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How do you stop caring what people think? (lemmygrad.ml)

submitted 1 week ago by DisabledAceSocialist@lemmygrad.ml to c/comradeship@lemmygrad.ml

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Now that I'm able to go back out a bit, I feel really embarrassed because I look rough as hell. My hair is falling out, I've got bad oedema so I'm swollen and puffy, my skin is destroyed, all red and covered in eczema and various infections. Yesterday in the supermarket I got mistaken for a man, and it's not even the first time it has happened. A little kid was blocking my path and her mum said, "Mind out of the way, a man is trying to get past." I've had a shop attendant previously say "here you go, sir," when handing me my item. I've had random strangers loudly make fun of the way I walk (I have problems walking since having a stroke) and an older couple even laughed and made fun of me after one of my foot surgeries because I was wearing plastic shoe cover bags on my feet instead of shoes.

I just feel so embarrassed going out at all but I hate being stuck indoors.

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[–] Munrock@lemmygrad.ml 0 points 1 week ago

Respect and admiration, contempt and disdain.

As humans, we're hard-wired to care what other people think. It's how we survive, it's how we navigate community.

But we ascribe different amounts of importance to different people's opinions. You're going to give more credence to the opinions of people you respect, admire or recognise as leaders or role models. You'll care much less about the opinions of people that you think are stupid and/or inconsequential.

You can mind hack yourself with this awareness. And also just guide yourself into better community.

With people who are kind to you, like them more: give gifts (no matter how small), compliments, time. Show your brain that that person's opinion of you matters more. It's win-win. Good people have their day brightened, you start or develop a community bond with them, and you steadily train your brain to be more responsive to their (positive) opinion of you.

With people who are assholes, frame them in your mind as people to feel contempt towards. That old couple who made fun of your footwwear probably vote Reform and hate foreigners. Foment feelings of contempt or disdain towards them and what they think of you starts to matter less. People like the shop attendant who aren't malicious but just ignorant, it's a little harder but you can still frame them as people who are inconsequential to mute the effect of their opinions.

It works parasocially as well, even with fictional characters (sometimes better with fictional characters, because they won't let you down). Some asshole makes an ignorant or uninformed observation about you, what would say about the situation if they were observing? I think many religious people do this without thinking (so many religions have that 'only God can judge me' trope and it's powerfully comforting for exactly this reason).