this post was submitted on 13 Oct 2025
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I don't know who I'm supposed to date (programming.dev)
submitted 11 months ago by lazyneet@programming.dev to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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This thought has been bugging me for the past few months. Out of my ~15 partners, only 4 would I describe as "conventionally attractive," and all of those were decidedly fem (1 cis f, 2 tf, 1 sissy), and they were all bottoms. I (32tf) can't and don't want to top.

I consider myself pan and I say I like men, but in practice I only like soft and androgynous types. Fem tops are unicorns, and I seem to only be able to maintain relationships for ~6 months at most. My last relationship with a man was such a disaster that I'm tempted to swing the other way, except I don't want to be an ace side or whatever terms people use to justify what amount to platonic relationships. I'm also too busy to really care about anyone right now. How do other transfems navigate this kind of sexual/romantic difficulty?

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[โ€“] lazyneet@programming.dev 0 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Thanks for your thoughtful response. Transgirls really are the best. I like your kink-informed perspective, as that is how my sexuality works as well. It's hard to find people who get it, so I tend to stick with whoever's down regardless of their top or bottom roles, and I'm either forced to act like a man or constantly subjugated. (One would think a tf would have the decency to not call the other "daddy" but they were hot so I didn't let it get to me.) It takes considerable effort for me to top bc my blood pressure is low, lingering heteronormative framings of my gender role, and a little trauma. Using my dick is the hard part (no pun intended). But yeah, under ideal circumstances I would love to have long switchy sex operas with a fellow tf. <3

[โ€“] irotsoma@piefed.blahaj.zone 0 points 11 months ago

Yeah the switchy operas are the best, if rare. I fortunately have recently had bottom surgery, so yeah, I'm glad I don't need to deal with that anymore. Still recovering so not entirely sure how things are going to go, there. But I also have a lot of trauma, from the typical what it took to get hard and people not understanding it wasn't directly tied to interest in sex, as well as some things testosterone and male gender role expectations caused me to do (not sure some if it wasn't actually rape, but just not classified as rape in our culture), as well as some things bad dommes did to me (almost feeling like revenge for being essentially raped their whole lives, but not called rape). I'm hoping this change will allow me to start over in addition to helping with disphoria as well as allowing me access to some femmes who don't like penises at all for sex and leading to more of that operatic sex that I feel is at least slightly more common when no penises are involved even if I was already at that point in how I had orgasms, but many people were unwilling to treat me that way just because of that hunk of flesh. Lol