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I love her so much

I guess this is just a rant because I don't have a single friend or anyone to talk to in real life. I thought once I won my benefit appeal I'd be OK but I still haven't received my backpay and when I inquired they said first someone from the DWP actually has to start the process of initiating the backpay and then it can take up to another 6 weeks to receive it. There's no sign it has even been initiated yet.

On top of this I've just been screamed at by my landlady and I find it so hard to deal with confrontation and people being horrible to me, I really feel like just bursting into tears right now. Basically she's been letting me live here without paying rent all this time on the understanding I'd pay her back when I got my backpay, plus interest. The interest is because she's had to put many expenses on her credit card because she hasn't had my rent coming in. She needs a lodger to help pay the bills, so without her lodger, me, paying rent, she simply couldn't afford the bills and they've been going on a credit card.

The credit card racks up interest and it's my fault because I haven't been paying rent so of course I need to pay off the interest too, which I agree to. On top of this my own overdraft has been maxxed out beyond it's limit (so into an unarranged overdraft) for a long time, racking up interest charges too. This means my backpay, whenever it arrives, won't be enough to pay off all my debt because I have all these interest charges too, and it's a lot. Even after using all my backpay on debt I'll still be thousands of pounds in debt.

Well I had thought I'd pay off my overdraft but when I mentioned all this to my landlady today she became furious and said I have to pay her first before paying my own overdraft. I realise she's right but she was so awful about it, she unleashed all of her pent up frustration and anger about this ongoing situation on me by screaming in my face for like 20 minutes and not letting me a get a word in edgeways.

So my financial situation is still impossible, and this month I simply haven't got enough donations of food vouchers to see me through. On top of this my landlady's daughter has just had a major operation and is meant to be coming out of hospital very soon, maybe tomorrow, and my landlady is going to stay with her, maybe for weeks, to care for her and her kids. I'll be home alone with no-one to help me. Because of my disabilities I can't walk very far, the nearest bus stop is nearly a mile away, and I have many upcoming medical appointments. I don't qualify for the St John ambulance transport (you have to be either bedridden or on oxygen to qualify) and you have to pay for hospital transport. The only way to get to these appointments would be by taxi, or cancel the appointments. On top of all this with no-one to drive me I will have to order groceries delivered which is even more expensive. I just don't know how to manage, it's always too much to cope with and nothing ever gets better. I am really feeling again like $u1c1d£ is the best option.

IMAGINE MY SHOCK

I posted a few weeks ago about how I had a dream that I was a member of the Swedish royal family. In the dream the Skarsgards were the royal family and I was married to one of the sons. Last night I dreamt that I was a member of the British royal family, married to Prince Harry. I can't really remember what happened other than all the royals and I were in a house together watching TV and eating in separate rooms. At one point the King came to my door to speak to me.

Why do I keep dreaming about this? I don't even want to be royal, or married. What's extra annoying is that I used to have a lot of really vivid interesting dreams, but thanks to meds and health issues I have very poor sleep now and almost never dream any more. But when I do, it's this. I wonder if these dreams are trying to tell me something but I don't know what.

this little bird popped out of the bushes on the side of the footpath and took off on an uphill slope. Just as it was starting to gain height this massive owl silently flew through and just took it out. right in front of me.

shit was crazy.

Just trust me on this. Roast the acorn squash at 400°F until good texture. Season it with cinnamon, salt, pepper, and olive oil. Just trust me.

I fw this so hard. You could really do any squash. Just eat more squash. Mmmmmmmh squash.

Closing that little strip of waterway has made the "strongest" empire on earth bend the knee. You love to see it, long live the Iranian resistance!

I'm open to it, it would make sense why they brought in heavy aircraft for a "rescue" operation.

Shahed meaning martyr goes really fucking hard, and describes their purpose and utility more than the propgandized (and racialized) comparisons to self harm and imperial japanese airforce tactics.

I call them shaheds to folks who know, but anything that isn't explicitly English will just become so new racialized term in itself.

Can someon explain how streamio and torrentio work?

I would go to 1337x.to and copy the download link and paste it into torrentio? To then stream off streamio?

As opposed to downloading from 1337x.to via qbittorrent?

So It's looking like he doesn't have chemo brain...he was just super high the other day and that's why his memory was so shot. I had to print him up tax stuff today so I took a car ride with him. He's well outside of the chemo, it's tough and he has good days and bad days, as I'm sure you're aware. Anyway here's to hoping he has more good days then bad.

Welcome to our ~~Friday~~ Monday ritual! I want to hear about all the bullshit you had to put up with last week! This week, I'm setting a reminder to make this post again on Friday!

So I'm watching some "AP"* content because it sounds fun to take some money from the most manipulative businesses in Capitalism. I've been listening to this channel Desolator Gaming for a while. It's a "sexy" idea to find a way to "cheat" the system. This system doesn't care about us, and the people who "win" never do it fairly, so why should I play by the rules?

*AP = Advantage Play. Basically covering how to spot slot machines that are close to a bonus, poker machines with multipliers in an advantageous spot, etc. so you play the games when they're in an "advantage state" and make $.

I know the guy behind this channel is kind of a chud based on a throwaway comment here and there, but the latest video was a real WTF. At one point in the video, DG mentions the "Big Beautiful Bill" and how Mike Crapo [R-IL] (yes, that's his name) added in a provision to tax gambling winnings way more than before. He talked about how this hurts his bottom line and how he has medical bills piling on, and most AP players are scum who are going to launder money and do tax fraud "but not me." OK, weird flex bro?

Then he went on a mini rant about how cost of living is going up, and house flipping was a thing for a while. His reason for why homes are so expensive? Women, especially those pesky "feminists" who wanted women to join the workforce and now that there's two middle class incomes per household that's why homes cost double.

The link is time-stamped right before this point.

I stopped the video at this point. This dude thinks he knows things, but like most chuds has some specialized knowledge (and AP isn't THAT hard, it's just game-specific knowledge) and now thinks he understands everything. I want to write him off as another dumb idiot, but how do people like this get to this point?

There's no class consciousness here! With the "feminism" thing why not dig an inch deeper and realize more people working = more profit = more consumers = more GDP? Maybe some smart capitalists realized that latching onto this wave of feminism was good for their bottom lines? Same as with all the companies adding rainbow logos during Pride month. It's all about profit, not some conspiracy.

And how do you look at the financial crises that drove all of the home frenzy, what with corporations buying up all the homes, flippers buying homes but not occupying them, all the foreclosures, and go "yep, that's why Betty needs to quit her job and get back in the kitchen!"

The guy probably calls himself a "Libertarian" But you know he votes straight-ticket R even though Rs like Crapo are literally raising his taxes "to pay for Somalian child care fraud"

We need to expose "normies" to this kind of rhetoric so they know a) this is what the right REALLY think about them, b) the politicians exist to put a nice façade over these real nasty thoughts, c) feminists/Somalians/particular people aren't the correct targets for some very real gripes. This is all the fault of Capitalism. I wish I had more free hours to start that think tank/comms shop and start blasting this out to people.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk

late night Chinese takeout

On the highway and 20 of the fuckers come out of nowhere from behind a semi. Had to serve to miss them. Thank god I did, I don't want my head beat in with a lead pipe.

But I recognized their patches, they're one of the bigger clubs in my state. Guess they're out with the nice weather.

Pride: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3169706/

It's about solidarity, gay people and working class people overcoming their prejudices about each other to work together and support each other's rights while fighting the fascist tory government who is trying to destroy them all. And it's so good and has an amazing soundtrack.

And here is a podcast on the real story behind the film: https://workingclasshistory.com/podcast/e23-25-lesbians-gays-support-the-miners/

I love to get high listen to classical music, and bake shit. It relaxes me and I usually give most of what I make away to friends and the staff at my favorite restaurants around town.

I make 2 carrot cakes for Easter every and I always play Handel's Messiah because it just feels so fitting, and I really like the theme my music with what I am baking. Every year I put on the Nutcracker when I do my Christmas cookies and I am always bawling by the end of it. But with Messiah, if I get my timing right the cakes come out of the oven during the Hallelujah chorus and it is genuinely an epic euphoria. Anyway, I think my timing was perfect as they come out the oven in 4 minutes and the pre-chorus just started

He's so frail and his memory sucks now, he forgets what was talked about just 24 hours before. He's going around the house doing dumb things, like this morning he got his fishing tackle out and talked about fishing tomorrow on Easter, when he can barely walk without stumbling.

Gah

So my problem housemate finally had a moment of self reflection and realized how bad he had fucked up this week. I came home from my girlfriend's house, and he solemnly said he wanted to talk to the house about something. I gathered everybody around and he said that he had been taking out the anger of a recently discovered bad medical problem on us. While the medical problem felt like an excuse, this seemed like a much more genuine apology than the last one. I accepted his apology and went to work. I called him before I went in and offered to grab some food from work for us since I got paid today. Called him when I got off to see if he was still awake and said I wanted to talk about the stuff that actually bothered me over the week because his apology was incomplete, but he seemed like he was finally in a spot to listen.

I started off with talking about the conversation we had that triggered this. He picked me up from work last week and said something casually transphobic. I corrected him and said that cis people say out of pocket shit all the time and I don't think he's transphobic at heart but needs corrections and that's okay as long as he's willing to listen. I will say, this was after I got back on my anxiety med and after I quit my anti-psychotic. Last time I called him out on his transphobia, I was probably more wordy and he wasn't used to my new personality, so the personality jump probably made it feel more personal than usual. He ended up saying cisgender was a slur when calling me out for how I handled that conversation, and from there everybody knew he was just being a fragile cis guy. I told him how he was perceived in this moment today, and looped back around on that conversation to say that he proved me right the next day.

I then went to the people he was defending. He was in a group of trans people that all said the straight guy he defended was being transphobic. Straight guy made a joke, I asked him what he meant by the joke very confrontationally and made him fully own the transphobic shit he was saying. Shitty housemate in question perceived this as me asking his opinion instead of pushing him on transphobic shit he said. I then pointed out how much these particular straight people hate him. They're constantly making homophobic jokes towards him, when he's not around constantly telling me how he stinks (he doesn't stink). And pointed out how much the trans people he turned his back on loved him. Those straight people are never going to buy him tires. They're never going to let him stay in a sober living house after overdosing in the house to let him sober up. Those straight people don't feed him when he's out of the job. They don't celebrate his successes, they pray on his downfall so they have more gossip against those crazy queers. The trans people of this house have done a lot to support him, while these straight cis people have done nothing but drag him down, so him defending them when all of the supportive people in his life are disgusted by the behavior is out of pocket.

I was able to talk to him about what I expected from him as an ally in the future, how his word as a cis man often carries more weight than my word as a trans woman and how I expect him to be conscious of that and use his voice to protect the people that protect him so much.

I continued the conversation to move onto the cat, something else we've been really unhappy with him about. He's been shitty about the cat, and snitched about the cat to the non-profit president specifically because of how happy Shiloh (cat) made the rest of the house. He now regrets this because now that he's chilled the fuck out he loves the cat too. He was just bitter that we were so happy because of the cat. Waiting for my house director to talk to the non-profit president to see if we can keep the cat, but this is the most stressful part of the week honestly. I also told the cis gay guy that he needs to keep his chicken bones picked up, he had a full fucking chicken carcass in his room that the cat could have gotten into and we can't have that.

TL;DR I held back from doing all the petty shit I wanted to do and the cis gay guy came around. Actually listened to me and apologized for being such a shithead over the past week

~pretend that ending bit makes sense, i had to clip a bit to fit in the character limit~

But yeah ive had my ups and my downs being thin, sometimes decent, sometimes too thin, and it just feels like i should at least give being larger a go ig even if i don't like it at all. Maybe this just stems from finding somewhat heavier set guys pretty attractive.

I just wrote off ice cream as something I'll never enjoy again. Haven't had it in like 2 years. This shit is fire

It has been over half my lifetime since I read an in depth history of the Spanish civil war.

Anyway, some anarchists I used to roll with criticized Stalin for turning against the Spanish Anarchists during the Spanish Civil War, killing some and abandoning the othera. I thought at the time, "what the hell? Why would the Communists betray those who were fighting against their common enemy? I see some of the historical basis for fighting the Anarchists within the USSR, but why in Spain, when the fascists were by far the biggest problem? It can't have just been " Stalin was a bad dude", that's not how it works. So what were the material and political reasons for that betrayal? Was it even a betrayal? (I am looking for the ML perspective on this more than the anarchist perspective because I've heard plenty of the Anarchist side and not the "tankie" side)

Fpv drones especially, genuinely a very cool experience. No other reason, thank you for your attention on this matter.