Johnny101

A little over a month ago my two best friends tried to kill themselves on the same night. Throughout the month one of those friends has done that several times. Thankfully they're both still alive today.

Ever since that happened I haven't felt like myself at all, I just, feel like I'm carrying too much and like I'm all alone. People know being suicidal is hard and loosing someone to suicide is hard but having someone you really care about try to kill themselves (and describe how they did it) can also be hard on anyone. I can't make a description of the event on this post but I can say that they didn't pull back, they didn't stop and turn back, they tried to go through and were stopped by an external source. For me that's the part that hurts the most. Knowing they wanted to go through with it.

Ever since it happened Ive been having intrusive thoughts/images about it and just feeling constantly stressed/irritable and having nightmares every now and them. Nightmares in either which I watch them hurt themselves or they die by some form and its my fault. I also had per-existing abandonment issues so before this happened I'd constantly wonder how I would feel if my friends died but the one thing that kept me grounded was knowing that that can't happen in any realistic scenario and now its happening.

Going through life I feel so different, like none of the people I see from day to day have gone through something like this so that makes me different, and if I told them what's going on in my head they'd see me as pathetic because I shouldn't feel this way since they're still alive.

I feel so isolated. Like I want someone, not anyone, but a close friend, who I can talk to about this, but then I remember I have three friends in this world, and two of them want to die. The third one I can talk to but wasn't affected the same way and doesn't really relate.

I don't really know what I'm asking through this post, I guess I just wanted to let it out. I guess I also want to know I'm not alone. Anyone else going through this?

Ill be fine....

friend.com I’m sorry but I don’t think anyone is idiot enough to wear a device that is always listening to you and talking to you pretending to be your friend. This is a disaster waiting to happen. If social media was killing mental health, imagine what this will do.

I wouldn't normally go to the internet with something like this. My therapist is sick and I cant talk to my only close friend right now.

Last Monday I had a particularly bad day, so I started mindlessly ranting at my closest friend, something I normally do to deal with stress, they're good at listening. However, it took them hours to reply to my message, and when they did, they simply said "sorry." I knew something was off, it wasn't them to reply with a single one word message after hours of silence.

Fast forward Tuesday afternoon, I was a little concerned about them but mostly fine. I was busy with work anyways. Then they texted me saying that they hadn't been at work for Monday and Tuesday, and but otherwise "Its nothing, Dw about me". At that point I was worried sick and I almost had a full breakdown.

I late texted them asking if they were really okay and they kept insisting they were. Ofc I didn't believe them, because they were acting very off and it didn't make sense that they didn't want to tell me. We've exchanged very personal secrets in the past.

Its now Wednesday. I restrained myself from talking to them all day, figuring they needed space. I can't find a way to distract myself, and my paranoid brain is trying to come up with every possible worst case scenario. The stress is consuming me, I barely feel anything outside the situation with my friend, I cant be productive with anything, I have really high blood pressure and intense heart rate.

Last night around 1 am I ended my conversation with my friend simply saying "Thank you" after I told them how much I care. I haven't talked to them all day, and if I dont say anything Ill be completely consumed by the stress. I figure I want to say something like "how are you doing" though they've made it obvious that they dont want to tell me about it. If I start with something more innocent like "did you sleep last night" they could take it the same way. One would say to speak from the heart but in that case all I want to say is "I love you" which could get awkward because we're opposite genders but really just friends. I just want advice really. I can deal with the stress, as hard as it may be. What should I tell them? How can I not push them to talk about something they dont want to while still helping them?