Asklemmy

It is a good thing you want to do.

Thing is, no one will really be able to give you good advice unless they know your neighbor. I can only give you suggestions of what I would want you to do if I was your neighbor.

The grieving process is fucked up and people deal with it many different ways and there is no play book.

It is very possible that you attempting to celebrate his dead son’s birthday may only shove it all back into his life.

If I was your neighbor I would want you to leave it be and maintain the same boundaries we have now.

I can speak to that from a somewhat personal perspective because I lost my older brother a few years ago, which means I got to witness my mom losing a child.

I know that she would have greatly appreciated simple flowers later after his passing. She got a lot of flowers and stuff when he passed, which made her feel like he was very loved by his friends.

But then a year later, only a few people remembered. And I think that’s what hurt her the most after the obvious pain of losing her son. That people forgot.

So if you knew his son, you can write a card about how you still remember him and add flowers to that.

It’s usually not about the actual thing you give him but how it’s presented and the words that go with it.

P.S. you are a good person.

You could organise a meal train, i find it hard to accept help, but last time I suffered a loss, having firends bringing me meals every week was a real weight off my mind (oh this isnt such a recent loss, meals would still help though I'm sure)

also just sitting with them long enough for them to talk about how theyre feeling would be really helpful

Its less about the food or the flowers and more that you took the time to let them know you were thinking of them and how they feel. And as other people have said you are a good person for being so thoughtful.

Send him a homemade frozen casserole. It's Midwestern for "I care"

Giving people food is common because it's something they don't have to deal with along with their grief. If there's something you can do for them to lighten their load, chores or take care of something or giving them a meal or just letting them know you're around not just to listen but to help with stuff they might need a hand with is plenty.