The Onion

Experts Say Disease Has Spread Beyond Early Hot Spots In D.C., Florida

WASHINGTON—In a troubling discovery that has public health researchers on high alert for a wider outbreak, a team of Georgetown University epidemiologists announced Tuesday that they had confirmed the first known airborne transmission of Mar-a-Lago face. “After a 32-year-old woman with no history of plastic surgery presented to doctors with distended lips, eyelid discoloration, and severe cheek swelling, subsequent tests and contact tracing determined that the patient had contracted Mar-a-Lago face via a brief exposure to respiratory droplets from Kimberly Guilfoyle,” said infectious disease researcher Sarah O’Hanlon, adding that failure to contain this more transmissible strain of the MAGA aesthetic could leave the entire country with spray tans and unnaturally frozen brows in a matter of weeks.