The Onion

After a week of deliberating if Iran’s national soccer team will be able to attend their scheduled World Cup Games in Seattle and LA this summer, today the United States clarified they may as long as the team consists of no dangerous elementary school children.

“If Iran’s national soccer team can pass an extensive security background check ensuring it consists of no players who are as fearsome as the 165 elementary school children we had to blow up with a Tomahawk missile last week, we may be able to work something out,” said Secretary of State Marco Rubio. “But that’s a big if! You can’t underestimate how sneaky and smart these Iranian kids can be. According to our intelligence, many of those children were allegedly able to do math as advanced as long division.”