Are you lonely? Do you want to be more attractive but without undergoing costly and risky surgeries? Try TPG-Plus! This all-natural, symbiotic bioform has been scientifically proven to make you more attractive to others. Just one weekly capsule is all you need to be a better, happier you.

Warning: side effects may include depression, personality changes, epilepsy, neutral cancer, psychosis, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, immune disease, sudden bursts of rage, reckless or impulsive behavior, blackouts, cats, and thoughts of suicide.

Do not take TPG-Plus if you are allergic to cats, pregnant, thinking about becoming pregnant, or suffering from any psychiatric disorders. Consult with your local pet store to see if TPG-Plus is right for you.

[–] ptychodus@lemmy.world 29 points 4 months ago (3 children)

Speak to your doctor if you experience:

Translucent teeth

Elbow malfunction

Hemming/hawing

Pregurgitation

Temporary omniscience

Rectal certitude

Permanent buoyancy

Recalcitrant offspring

Purple haze

Vehement denial

Moonwalking

Rogue waves

Charm offensives

Offgassing

False dichotomies

Spotted dick

Camaro envy

[–] caseyweederman@lemmy.ca 6 points 4 months ago

Welcome... to Night Vale.

[–] ameancow@lemmy.world 3 points 4 months ago

I am experiencing reverse effluviums and an aversion to revision. What are my chances?

[–] AngryCommieKender@lemmy.world 2 points 4 months ago (2 children)

Moonwalking sounds like a feature, not a bug.

Camaro envy? Nope. Nothing is worth that.

[–] ptychodus@lemmy.world 5 points 4 months ago

Okay, for moonwalking you should talk to your agent/promoter. For Camaro envy, even your therapist doesn't want to hear about that.

[–] ICastFist@programming.dev 3 points 4 months ago

Moonwalking is only feature complete when accompanied by HE-HEEE or AU!!!

[–] PlantJam@lemmy.world 3 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Is there a cat free version? Or maybe just reduced cats? The rest is fine.

[–] limer@lemmy.ml 2 points 4 months ago

I’m thinking of doing a startup that processes used kitty litter. I think our end result needs some more work but looks promising

[–] WorldsDumbestMan@lemmy.today 2 points 4 months ago

Raises hand

Wait, do humans also become attracted to cat urine?