Shirow

Well, I guess this is going a long post and I'm lost. I'm gonna see a therapist Monday.

Sorry if this post isn't really about transidentity but in a way, it has consequences in it.

So, I've been with my wife for 8 years. Married for 4 years. But yesterday, I said that I love her, yet I'm not sure I'm in love anymore. Not sure if this make sense. And I cried a lot.

I've been dreading this for a while. Thinking maybe it was temporary. And I feel like a piece of shit feeling this way.

I've been supporting her through depression, panics attacks, social anxiety and so on. And her love has always been unconditional she's has been through trauma. And I fought mine was too. I feel like I have been forgetting myself little by little in this story. I was depressed, almost a dropout (stayed in high school 5 years instead of 3, failed 3 years after in different universities) but still trying. At the end I was doing sports instead of going to university at some point to be able to feel better in a unhealthy way. And I guess I never really worked on myself, well I mean with a therapist.

That was before meeting her, after retaking first year studying English language and literature. I helped, and she helped me. Our relationship was a bit messy, we had trouble understanding each other. She wanted to be with me all the time and I needed too much personal space. And I had no clue of her own troubles and so did she.

We've grown fond of each other, she is my first girlfriend and only one. She's been studying in Ireland for a school year before Covid and I've waited for her and visited her there. That's where she was sure she wanted to mary me ( she bought an engagement ring there).

I had always not a great view of mariage since I have seen a dysfunctional mariage exemple : my parents staying with each other because of duty, while her parents are happy with each other now even thought they had hardships (an affair).

Little by little I felt I've sacrificed my needs to help her. And I suppose that what love is about trying to help each other. Be there for the other. I guess I am starting to fail. I have taken a vow and today I feel like I broke it.

I don't know what to think of it.

I'm just selfish? I feel like I've been missing out of so many things I wanted to do but couldn't to be there for her. Then again maybe is it me trying to pin that on our relationship or my lack of communication? I am having an identity crisis? Is this self-sabotage? Do I just want to blame my own problem on our relationship?

Ever since I have transitioned this feeling seems bigger. She accepted it quite quickly and have been a real supporter. "Edit" : i meant for my transition not about the feeling. Didn't caught that before >.<

During yesterday talk, my wife asked me if this was because of the hormones? I hate this argument. To me that can't be the point.

She went back to her parents yesterday for now. We are not "in bad terms" but this is a really hard time.

I have tried so many times to communicate. We've ended up arguing leaving me mostly unable to express myself because I'm having a real trouble to express myself when emotionnal. I would blurt things that would be make things worse because of a poor choice of word. I've always end up feeling like I was selfish and the fact that when she was reproaching me some things would make me cry would make her feel always like the bad guy. We could solve some things but it has always been hard.

I remember her asking me if I really loved her if I was asking for some distance? ( not specific to yesterday)

Don't get me wrong I love her for sure. She is a wonderful person and all I want is her happiness.

Today, I don't know what to think of it and it's hard to describe 8 years in a few sentence especially with just my pov. Do any of you have more insight, some question I can ask myself? Something to think about before my therapy session? Yep, once again it's hard to organise my thoughts when everything is a mess.

Well, for starters it was more a volonteer work for the local trans association. But I went out with a dress and thights and well I only had "Converse" for shoes but I feel it was looking good with the outfit.

I had make-up on trying to hide my leftover beard, lipstick, mascara, eye shadow and eye liner. My wife helped for the face part.

I went out like this. I was really stressed but it felt good after a while. I was conforted that I was going to a really small cinema that was running a lgbtqia+ movie and 2 other local allied association was there. I ran an information stand and we were selling small goodies with a member or the association.

I felt a bit stupid when people were asking my name and was giving my deadname since I haven't decided yet for a name.

Anyway felt good to be with other queer or allies. Also people feel I look younger than I really am ( yay! ☺️)

Most likely I will probably only dress full female when going to events with the association. I wouldn't feel safe enough otherwise.

This post was more about sharing this experience. Hope your day has been good!

Okay so, it's been almost two month on hrt and I'm happy genuinely. There are some moments when I'm down or not feeling well, some dysphoria but damn that worth it. I feel like my emotion are not as much bottled up.

I've been laughing more easily and didn't know I could feel dizzy because of laughter.

I've had a euphoria moment that lasted hours and it felt like something I've never felt in a long long time like as a child or teenage year when I loved playing video games.

Even knowing that I cry more easily is a good thing. To let out my own feelings.

Just wanted to share some positivity. Since I tend to focus on the other side usually.

Okay, so It's my first post. I don't know if this count as NSFW but just in case I'll put a spoiler.

I feel foolish.