Marycat1

I seriously can’t decide. They all look amazing!

The title says it all, I am worried about my birthday this year.

I’ve always struggled with birthdays since I was a kid. My parents often joked about it, and always brought up my sensory and social issues. This year, however, I am worried for a completely different reason; Because of a traumatic experience that happened last year.

Last year, My grandfather passed away unexpectedly the day before my birthday. I was terrified when I heard the news, and my grief took a lot out of me. On my actual birthday, All I wanted to do was spend some time alone. This is something I always want on my birthday. For whatever reason, I like to be up first, and sneak downstairs to get some alone time before my parents and sister come down. I don’t know what it is, but I always feel super uncomfortable whenever anybody wishes me happy birthday first thing in the morning, especially if they whisper or excitedly shout it. Unfortunately, I can’t stop my family from wishing me happy birthday as it’s the normal thing to do.

Anyway, last year ended up being very traumatic as my mom and I grieve in two different ways. On the morning of my birthday, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I had made plans in advance, but when the day actually came, I had no energy and no plan. This led me to waffle back-and-forth, as I can never make a decision. My mom ended up getting frustrated with me, and said that while it was my birthday, she was not going to do the back and forth thing with me. This left me feeling very mad, and just not myself. I ran upstairs crying. My dad came up to comfort me, where I cried to him about my grief, and he 100% understood, for he had just lost his dad, and also the last person in his family (His mom and brother died when I was younger). My birthday had its ups and downs, and ended with my mom yelling at me, my sister watching tv, and my dad planning the funeral for my grandfather. It was a very difficult day.

Later in the week, I asked a few questions regarding my birthday. I was curious about my presents, and if I would get to do a make up birthday since my original one didn’t go to plan. I completely asked these questions out of curiosity, not because I was demanding anything from my parents. My mom told me that I had an issue where I expect to receive everything on my birthday list, which was not true at all. She also mentioned how much money she and my dad had already spent on me, from going to the waterpark with my friend on the day my grandfather died, to the presents, they got me at the last minute on my birthday. They claimed to have spent over $1000. I never meant to come off as entitled, I still feel terrible about it.

This year, my parents said that I can do whatever I want, as it’s my birthday. They even suggested traveling, and going to a waterpark. I immediately said no, not only do I hate traveling, But I am not going to waste my parents money and feel ashamed all over again. I’ve made a budget for myself of under $250 for everything, I am not the entitled brat my parents assume I am.

However, I have no idea what I want to do. My birthday is in two weeks, and there are so many ideas that I have, but I can only choose a few. At the same time, I’m worried to do any of it, some of the reason being what happened last year, but also that my family wants to lose weight (minus me, as I was the preemie that everyone refers to as “the smallest one).” A lot of the things I want to do have to do with food. My family insists that they will not talk about dieting, but I just never know. I’m also trying to think of something to do with my best friend, he has special needs and cannot read or write, and like me, can be young for his age. He can also be very controlling and specific settings like arcades and water parks. I want to do something individually with him, but also do something with my family as well.

I literally have so many things I want to do, I just cannot decide. I’ve made the choice to wait until my birthday to decide what I want, that way I’m not waffling back and forth. Below is the list of everything I want to do. Most of the things are juvenile, or young for my age, but that’s just part of me being autistic lol.

List:

• Buy my birthday cake
• Go to a playground (with friend)
• Go to an arcade (with family)
• Go mini golfing (with either friend or family)
• Go to a candy shop
• Watch TV (preferably my baby shows lol)
• Go to a waterpark or indoor pool (if it’s not expensive)
• Go to an aquarium or indoor center

This is a lot of stuff, and obviously, I don’t plan on doing all of it. But I just don’t know what I want. I’m turning 20 years old, and my interests are those of a five-year-old. Is perfectly OK with me, I just never know how my family and friends are going to react.

Has anybody else felt this way?

So my birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and I have no idea what I want to do. My parents and sister are up for literally anything, and are even encouraging me to make a list of things I want to do. I have many mixed feelings about it.

The thing is, I want to celebrate my birthday. However, it’s been so hard for me the last few years. I’m not sure if this is an autism thing or not, but whenever somebody raises their voice or uses a specific tone with me, I get frustrated and it throws off my whole day. I’ve done better with this, but I’ve also pushed myself to be perfect whenever I’m around my family so that they don’t seem upset at me. My mom says it’s like walking on eggshells around me because she can’t say anything without me getting upset, little does she know I feel the exact same way about her, she has ADD and has a contradiction for everything I say. My birthday is the one time I can avoid this whole frustration thing.

Unfortunately, All I can think about is how awful my birthday was last year. It wasn’t anybody’s fault, but I had a very negative birthday because I found out that my grandfather had died the day before. The grief Left me with mixed feelings, my brain wanted to do everything I had planned for my birthday, but my body did not. I waffled back-and-forth, unable to decide what I wanted to do. That was when my mom got frustrated. She told me that while it was my birthday, she wasn’t going to put up with me doing the whole back-and-forth thing. I ended up getting really upset and the rest of the day was awful, as my mom and I continue to disagree over both our grief and our decisions.

This year, I am still in a big pickle, trying to figure out what to do. Obviously, I want to do everything I missed out on last year, but at the same time, I want to keep it cheap, As my mom and dad made a big deal about how much money was spent on my birthday last year (My best friend and I went to a waterpark the day my grandfather had passed, we were unaware of it at the time. We had a great time, But I was fixated on my mother’s behavior as she spent the whole time crying in a dark corner). Nobody told me anything about my grandfather until the next day. My parents also told me that they hadn’t got me any presents as they had had been so busy with my grandfather. I said this was completely fine, as I understood this took a lot out of them. They ended up throwing a bunch of stuff together last minute, and I was very confused. Later on, I was stupid enough to ask where my real presents were (Stupid question I know), and my parents were very stern, telling me that I had an issue where I was upset that I didn’t get everything on my list (This was not true at all, I was simply grieving and confused). They also continue to talk about how much money they spent on my friend and I (They mentioned our waterpark tickets were over $1000). I really wish they would’ve told me this sooner so that I wouldn’t have had to waste all their money.

My plan this year is to keep it simple. There is a lot of stuff I want to do, but I’m trying to keep my whole budget under $250. The thing is, I don’t know what I want to do yet. I have a tendency to want to do several things in one day. I just cannot make a decision. I love going to restaurants but have been ashamed to go recently as a few weeks ago, my mom and I were at a restaurant, and I apparently said something about wanting to eat six bowls of soup (as a joke), my mom knew this. After two bowls, the waiter took my bowl away because I hadn’t yet asked for another bowl (I have a tendency to go mute occasionally when it comes to asking for specific things). My mom noticed this and said firmly, “You kind of have to ask for another bowl of soup, he thinks you’re done.” That just made me more worried, and I refused to ask for anything else. Then when the check came, the waiter asked if we needed anything else, and my mom looked at me and asked loudly, “Do you want another soup?” I found this so annoying, and calmly made it clear to my mom that she needs to stop coddling me, and that if I want something, I will ask myself. If I don’t ask, I don’t receive. Anyway, I haven’t been too interested in going to restaurants since then. However, I have thought of some cheap things to do that. I really enjoy (I am very young for my age, and often times enjoy doing things that are intended for younger children, like going to the park and watching children’s TV shows).

I honestly don’t know what I want to do. I for sure want to get my own cake, Since I didn’t get my own last year due to my grandfather dying, and my parents, wanting to celebrate my grandmother and my grandfather together (My grandmother’s birthday was the day after he died). I also want to go to the park, Since my sister mentioned she wasn’t interested in going last year, but I love playing on the playground and do it even as an adult. My parents came up with the crazy idea to travel on my birthday, since I’ll be off for spring break, but I hate traveling and have no interest in going away from my hometown for my birthday. I’m still thinking about what I want.

Does anybody have any suggestions about activities / things to do that have no age limits and are cheap? There’s a lot of things I want to do that are young for my age but often there are age and height restrictions. I’ll be turning 20. I’m trying to think of things that are family friendly but also something that isn’t too expensive.

I’ve always been viewed as “the shy kid” or “the quiet kid” in school and home. However, I have been much more outgoing since about my junior year of high school, when my teachers began to bring out my voice through putting pressure on the whole class (for example, My English teacher always wanted students to talk, But we were pretty quiet students, So she would often say things like, “ This is your opportunity to share your opinions,” or “ Someone needs to answer this question, anyone at all!” That was what really got me to start speaking up. Plus, My mom pushed me on a lot of adult skills right after high school, Such as checking into doctors appointments and going back myself, Something I never would’ve been able to do had my mom not pushed me.

My dad has always nagged me to advocate for myself, and in social situations, would say, “It’s ok to talk you know.” He was that kid that was always shy, My mom said when she first started dating him, he would not talk at all and wouldn’t even look at her. He has barely any friends (His one good friend is in jail, And most of the people he talks to either don’t talk to him or live far away). He’s always nagging me to talk to people, and advocate for myself. As a kid, It was because it was one of my special education goals, but that’s over now that I’m in college. Now he and my mom both know that I interact with people, and am doing well in life.

However, I get really upset and unmotivated when my dad draws attention to my difficulties. He knows I talk, But he doesn’t fully believe that I interact and talk with other people. He tends to get really excited and surprised whenever I choose to do something outside of my comfort zone (For example, I really struggle with riding roller coasters because often times I get scared, so when I choose to ride one, He’ll get all surprised and say something like, “You actually want to ride this? Really, You’d do that?” And then afterwards, saying, “ You're a champion, I’m proud of you.”

Today I told my dad that I enjoy speaking in front of a crowd (I don’t enjoy group work or one on one conversations, but I love being in front of an audience and speaking. My dad told me that he wouldn’t have guessed this, But it was possible considering he likes to be “ The funny outgoing guy at work,” and my mom is a social Gemini. But this has nothing to do with genetics, but rather just what I enjoy doing. I love writing, I’m an English major in college. Writing is my life.

I told my dad that I will be presenting at My school’s expo in a few months, and said he was welcome to come watch me. I did this to him that I love speaking in front of a crowd. He again seemed really surprised, and he didn’t think I’d want to do something like this. However, him being surprised is making me less motivated to do this. I kind of relate this feeling as to When somebody selectively mute talks in front of someone for the first time, And the other person says “OMG, you talk?” It’s a bad comparison, but it’s all I could think of. My parents told me to be grateful that they care about me, and I absolutely am, I just feel so ashamed whenever people highlight my past issues.

Does anyone have any similar stories about feeling this way? I’d love to know.

So I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow to follow up on my septoplasty recovery, and I am really worried about it. One of my reasons is valid, and the other is just plain stupid.

I’ll start with the stupid one first. Literally the main thing that scares me about doctors visits, is being called back by the nurse. I don’t know why I always find it so loud and intimidating, and when they say your name, everybody stares at you. It was so nice when I have my CT scan and there was literally nobody there, plus, I had a very quiet and wonderful nurse. Unfortunately, this time I’m at one of the main locations, which has a bigger lobby and louder nurses. Normally, I’m not this worried, but today for some reason, I cannot stop thinking about it.

The second reason I’m worried, Is because my doctors going to be putting a metal wand up my nose to see how the septum is healing. I’ve had this done before, And it all ends up being ok. I just get so worried about it since I don’t like being touched with metal, especially in a sensitive area like my nose. Plus, they give me numbing spray before hand, Which goes in my nose and down my throat. It does not taste good at all but luckily, goes away fast.

I’ve always struggled with doctors visit since I became an adult. Having to check myself in, be called back and having to go back there by myself, having tools poked at me constantly and being told stuff I don’t always understand is very difficult for me. I’m trying to make it easier by reminding myself That I’ll be going to dinner with my mom afterwards Instead of going back to college, and then grocery shopping with her, which I love doing. However, I’m still very concerned.

Does anyone else feel this way about doctor’s appointments?

Ok, so this is probably the stupidest question ever, but I’m wondering, how long has everyone here been able to go without sleeping?

I very rarely have a sleepless night, and when I do, I usually end up falling asleep by early morning. This week, however, I have really struggled with sleep. Being autistic and also a college student, this is common for me, but this week my sleeping has been especially bad.

It started when I first came home for winter break last month. I have been sleeping in until about 11 am, and not going to sleep until 2-3 am the next day. My schedule is never like this when I’m in school. I had planned to get back on schedule this week so I am ready to go back to school, however, my sister was admitted to a mental hospital on Monday and since coming home yesterday, has been quite depressed again. This keeps me up at night due to previous experiences with her when we were younger, along with me going back to school and starting new classes next week. On top of it, I was stupid enough to take my steroid inhaler before going to bed, which of course means I’m going to be wide awake for a while.

I cannot sleep, I worry that whenever I do fall asleep, that I won’t be awake again until 11-12 the next day, as this is what has been happening the last several nights. I go back to college tomorrow and need to get back into my schedule, for I have an early morning class on Monday, and need to be ready. Melatonin doesn’t work for me, it either keeps me up all night or only helps me to sleep for a few hours. My sleep is usually good when I’m in school but at home it is not always the best. Plus my alarm rarely goes off for some reason, despite setting it the same way every night, although I always end up snoozing it anyway.

For whatever reason, I’m worried about staying up all night and going the next day without sleeping. It sounds awful but it seems like the only way to get me back on track (napping and sleeping in often leads me to be awake for hours past my bedtime). My dad wants to get me back to school as early as possible, for he is super anxious about time lol. I plan to get everything done early and spend the rest of the day relaxing.

Has anyone here gone over 24 hours without sleeping, and is it as bad as everyone makes it seem? The longest I’ve gone without sleeping is 18-20 hours.

Ok, the Pisces part has to do more with a special interest of mine as I am a Pisces and am interested in horoscopes. But something I’ve noticed and heard often is that Pisces often take in others emotions as their own, and tend to get really sensitive. I am like this with a lot of people, but primarily those I am close to.

So now to the noise sensitivity part. My sister came home from the mental hospital today, and since then, there has been lots of negative. It’s mostly been the low tone voice, but a little while ago, my dad and I were watching TV and he pointed out to my mom that my sister was crying and she should probably go see what was going on. Then out of nowhere, he called my sister in the room we were in.

This is where the sensitivity sets in. I don’t like admitting it but I HATE crying. Whether it’s babies, kids or a younger sibling, it drives me crazy. To me, it’s just whining, wailing, and hyperventilating. It’s not the noise that bothers me, but how sensitive I feel when it happens. I always get this strong urge to do something, but often times I lack impulse control and either give the person crying a big hug, or shout at them about how amazing they are. As a child, I used to get really violent, hitting things and crying myself, so I believe I’ve made some progress lol.

I used to wear headphones to block out the noise but now I’m ashamed to wear them in front of anyone, especially as an adult. I also tend to get really sensitive when I don’t do something to help, and often have a meltdown. I’m also quite worried since something similar happened the last time my sister came home from the hospital, and it got progressively worse, particularly the crying.

Is anybody else here an older sibling and does not do well with crying

I’m going to start with something positive: My parents said my sister was in great spirits tonight.

The second they got home, however, My dad found her suicide notes, and I have not stopped worrying since. I honestly don’t know why I’m worried. Is it because I saw my dad crying? Because I won’t see my sister for another few weeks because she won’t be home until the end of the week, when I go back to school? Because I’m not allowed to write to her (that is my main form of communication). I don’t know why I miss her so much, I’m snuggling with her plushy as I write this.

I plan to talk to my parents tomorrow, just regarding everything. They’ve tried to pay me lots of attention, But we’ve never had a sit down conversation about how we’re all feeling about this. That is my hope for tomorrow.

I can’t sleep, I’m so worried. I’ve also drank quite a bit tonight because I was angry earlier this evening (because of some stuff with my mom and XC coach, I don’t plan on drinking anymore though). I have so many feelings right now, and so many questions. Just wanted to rant.

The photo is blurry, so here is what it says:

Mary, my whole form of writing letters is for you. I knew you would get it this way. I’m so sorry. Run a marathon someday for me. When you are at the toughest part, think of me. Prove coach asshole you belong there and won’t give up without a fight. I want all of my money to go to you. I love you. Have some kids and tell them about me if they ever struggle. You get that one squishmallow. Protect Shrimp and Cinnamaroll for me, I love them both so much. I love you so much Mary. Don’t blame yourself ever. This was all me. Try to go on for me. Follow your dreams and don’t let this stop you. Yours truly, your sister

Didn’t plan on writing this, but am officially freaked out. My younger sister is on her way to a psych ward right now, apparently she is severely depressed. I feel like it’s all my fault. I’m so afraid, this is her second time there. Just needed to rant.

I really didn’t want to have to write this out, as I am ready to just shout at someone, but my family and I are about to have game night and I don’t want to ruin it by constantly shouting stuff. Therefore, it’s being written here.

Let’s start from the beginning. When I was in seventh grade, my younger sister developed depression/suicidal thoughts. It scared me very badly, for I am a very sensitive person. However, not long after this whole thing started, I began to feel it was my fault that it happened.

My feelings began when my mom and I were in the car. She was either talking to me or somebody else when she mentioned that my sister had been crying to her the night before, saying that I got all my parents’ attention because they were always nagging me about my homework. She felt really bad and later on told me in a very manipulative voice that she was going to spend ten minutes with her talking about her day.

My mom and I were talking about things my sister says that bothers me, and she said that she can’t tell my sister not to talk about it because it would make her feel neglected like she was in the past. I feel terrible. It’s all my fault that my sister is depressed, it’s all my fault that she hates her body, because everyone in my family but me is overweight and are tempted when it comes to eating specific foods, I force myself to eat in private since I apparently “eat like a bird” compared to everyone else. It’s my fault my dad takes my sister to do “special chores” and brags about how strong she is and how she is a “worker bee,” where I’m just viewed as the housewife, because he believes “I’m not strong enough to lift stuff and need to stay at the other house for hours.” I can handle it too, and my mom thankfully knows this, and takes me over there to do chores too. It’s my fault my sister gets straight A’s in school, because it gets her positive attention, because apparently I hog all of their time. I’m the reason my family favors me, because I was born premature and autistic. Everything is my fault.

Since moving to college, my sister gets loads more attention, but ironically, says she doesn’t want it. While they drive me crazy, I would kill for some more time with my parents. I’ve felt so left out this last year now that my parents and sister have common TV interests and find her art fascinating. I can’t talk to my mom about it very well, because all I ever get is a contradiction as my mom is a Gemini and has ADD, and cannot listen without offering some sort of “yes, but…” it drives me insane.

I apologize for the big rant, I just had to share my feelings. While most of this doesn’t relate to me, I can’t shake the feeling that this is all my fault. Has anybody else felt like this or had a similar experience?

So I gave had chronic post nasal drip and sore throats for the last three years. I’ve taken every allergy medication and inhaler there is, and had a septoplasty three weeks ago. However, none of it has seemed to heal my chronic cough and post nasal drip.

However, I was also diagnosed with LPR, or silent reflux, which might be contributing to some of my symptoms. I’ve heard some foods/diets can help, but I’m confused as to which ones, as most of them are labeled for GERD/acid reflux, but none specifically for LPR.

Does anybody know of any good diets/foods specifically for LPR? Thanks!

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had mixed feelings about positive acknowledgement, specifically praise and encouragement. Occasionally I enjoyed it, but most times, I could not stand it.

For example, when I was in kindergarten, I would refuse to eat my lunch or engage in any activities because I worried that people would draw attention to me. It wasn’t until my mom came to school with me that I actually did some stuff. However, I also struggles with separation anxiety and would often melt down when my mom left. My original teacher was also very aggressive with us and would often shame us out loud or punish us unnecessarily (my mom had me transfer classes after witnessing her grab one of my classmates by the neck). After that I transferred schools, but was still uncertain about positive feedback.

I am usually a quiet student, and whenever I spoke, people would react, mostly with, “Oh my God, she spoke!” That only made me more nervous to speak. It wasn’t until my junior year of high school that I really began to speak up.

This semester in college, however, I have been hit and miss with praise. I had one professor who really wanted me to talk more, but oftentimes never gave me the recognition I wanted because she was so focused on the more “advanced students.” This sounds odd knowing how I dislike positive feedback, but I actually wish she gave me more.

My other professor, however, was wonderful. She gave clear expectations and even graded us for our level of engagement. She also, was very direct in her feedback. For example, I gave a presentation in her class, and was super confident going into it (for whatever reason, I love presentations just so I can practice my eye contact with the audience, I find it so satisfying lol). This was the first presentation I gave without being nervous about being timed or having everyone paying attention to me. I spoke clearly and gave great eye contact. My classmates even smiled and seemed interested in what I was saying, which was really nice. We were graded 20 points per section of the presentation based on our topic, notes, delivery, etc. The grading rubric went like this:

20 points - Outstanding 18 points - Excellent 16 points - Good 14 points - Average 12 points - Fair 10 points - Poor

I received mostly average, but under delivery I received an excellent score, along with a comment that said, “Good work with your vocal variety and eye contact!” I seem to do better with written positive feedback rather than face to face.

In athletics, however, I really have a hard time. My XC coach is mostly a jerk to me, but when he gives positive feedback, he is really different about it. Sometimes he’ll shout excitedly about your race, or give you a big hug and quietly talk about how well you did (he did this to one of my teammates after she had a good race, and then looked at me and walked away. My parents suggest I get a pr just to satisfy him, but right now I just want to go at my own speed. After all, I’m not super crazy about praise (as a kid, I literally did poorly on tests because my teachers would get crazy excited whenever one of us did well).

Is anybody else like this? I love positive feedback but sometimes it can be so triggering.