Baggie

I've had a bit of a rough go with it in terms of being raised in a bad environment, not properly socialised properly early in life, and to top it off my partner of 7 years just ended things because of some pretty nasty issues between us that I felt were perfectly fixable.

Everything as it is, I've started having issues with feelings of being disposable. Like I don't matter, like I'm nothing and I can't expect people to stick around, like they're waiting for a reason to abandon me.

On a logical level that doesn't hold much water, but at this point I'm starting to wonder how to fight these feelings if they come from very factual places. How can I justify the thought that I inheritly have worth, if the reality of the situation is that I keep being treated like garbage.

I'm doing all the right stuff, seeing a psych, prioritising recover, actually have a pretty decent inner voice going, but the feelings are still really strong and it's hard to fight them. I'm not really sure how to handle this.

Context: I am not in danger, I am doing okay for the situation, I will be fine. No worrying needed on that part. I am actively seeking mental health support, I will be okay.

As a general thing, suicide is bad right? I certainly haven't appreciated it happening around me, and it sucks. In general, I'd like for people to feel like life is worth living.

But there's a thing here where people want you alive, but they don't want to help you make a life worth living. You can put tons of effort into everything you do, into the people in your life, but you start thinking maybe life isn't worth the constant struggle, the endless unrewarding hell, and somehow you're being selfish for it.

I've never had stronger feelings towards ending everything than I had tonight. And still I decided living was the best option. But it still fucking sucks. I still have to keep on with this shitty existence, maintaining my shitty life, in the hopes that people will stop doing things to me that slowly tear me down over and over again. I'd leave if I could, but I financially and socially can't, and I kind of still don't want to, because I love my partner even if she left it half a decade too late to sort her stuff out.

The neighbours keep sending construction crews to coincidentally destroy my property, my industry was somehow taken over by garbage fake robots, my martial arts instructor turned into a fascist, and I'm supposed to rebuild my life when the whole world is quicksand. I literally do not have the executive function to keep going under these circumstances.

I still think living is the right call, but fuck me the world could throw us a fucking bone once in a while. This whole thing is bullshit.

/rant

It doesn't seem to be related to particular file types or instance, and the images load fine when using the web interface. I think it might have happened after last update?

I'm kind of sick of being into tech. Everything is riddled with ads and speculative investment. You have to manage your expectations so much because everything has a good likelihood of turning into garbage at a moments notice. It's just not fun anymore. I know I'm probably a bit nostalgia blinded, but I miss the mid-late 2000s and early 2010s so much. Games were new and interesting, tech was moving at a lightning fast pace, things were fun.

I know it's more complicated than that, and there are reasons things are how they are, but fuck man. Anyway, off my chest.